(Originally published as my Mombian newspaper column. Many thanks to everyone who shared a bit of their lives with me for this piece.) In the face of the COVID-19 pandemic that is shaking our world, I spoke with several different LGBTQ families recently to see how they’re handling the crisis, what their challenges are, and where they’re finding strength.
Emphasizing Gratitude
Mark Loewen, a children’s author in Virginia, is trying to balance “being honest about what’s going on” with only giving his 8-year-old daughter “as much information as she needs to have” at her age. He and his husband Leo are trying not to talk in front of her about their worries. “The news never plays out loud in the house,” he said.
They attempt to be honest about their feelings, however. “We also try to notice when our frustration is escalating, so we can take a break to breathe and restart,” he explained.
Sometimes, though, after a day of working from home, “When it’s finally time for her, we are completely drained,” he said. They then seek to find a compromise activity that everyone will enjoy.
At the end of each day, though, they list things they were grateful for. “They might be little things,” he said. “But we want to remember to stay grateful for what we have and maintain a positive perspective.”
He reflected, “It’s not magical, it’s not really beautiful, but we’re doing our best and we will be all right.”
Sandra, a queer parent who asked not to use her last name, lives in Philadelphia with her partner, their two kids, ages 7 and 9, and her father-in-law, 75. She said that although things are good now, “It was hard for the kids at first,” since they wanted to have play dates and go to the playground.
They are forming connections with others in new ways. “They have had more FaceTime conversations with family and even read their toddler cousins a book today on FaceTime,” she related. “We also go for socially distant walks and people are saying hello more that we are used to in this city.”
“It’s been harder with my father-in-law,” she admitted. “He really enjoyed trips to the corner store and wants us to believe he can go out to ‘get essentials.’” They’ve insisted he stay in.
She also expressed gratitude, though, noting, “We are feeling really grateful that my partner can work from home so our income hasn’t been yanked from us. We are grateful that we have a comfortable home that we can be in together. And, of course, that we really like each other and enjoy each other’s company.”
Single Parents
Before the outbreak began, Calvin Fleming, a single gay dad in California, had been planning to mark the five-year “Family-versary” of his two sons’ adoption with a trip to Rainbow Family Camp, a weekend event for LGBTQ families, at the end of March. That was then canceled because of the virus. “On the bright side,” he said, “COVID-19 is bringing our family closer together than ever.”
His biggest challenge now is balancing working from home with homeschooling the boys, ages 8 and 10. “Both of them have IEPs [Individualized Education Programs], so they require a lot of one-on-one support,” he noted. Yet “Helping them with schoolwork is a good distraction,” he finds—and his mom, who lives with them, helps them, too.
For his sons, the biggest challenge is “the lack of a structured school day with social interaction. They miss their friends.” He’s created a daily schedule, but tries to be “super flexible” so neither he nor the kids gets stressed. He admitted, “All of our screen time restrictions are out the window. And that’s okay. They’ll be fine.”
For support, he said, he’s been reaching out to other LGBTQ parents “and especially other single parent friends.” He’s also been connecting with members of his LGBTQ-friendly church via Zoom video conferencing and getting to know the community “in a completely different and more intimate way.”
After the pandemic is over, though, he said, “We’ll be excited to see our queer family community together again. The next Rainbow Family Camp is going to be amazing.”
Dawn Ennis, a transgender parent in Connecticut, lives with her 13- and 17-year-old high schoolers as well as her 21-year-old, home from college because of the pandemic. “We’ve adapted to the new normal,” she said. “We’re reading more. We’re doing yard work and house cleaning, and—for the moment—we have a full pantry and enough toilet paper, tissues, and paper towels to last awhile.”
All her children have started or will soon start online classes. Ennis herself, who teaches at a nearby university, will be instructing virtually. “And I’ve got a plan to resuscitate our vegetable and herb garden,” she said.
Yet COVID-19 is only one challenge this family has faced. Ennis’ wife, the children’s mother, died four years ago. “Grief doesn’t ever really go away,” Ennis said—but “Resilience is our superpower.”
Still, her oldest son’s presence “is a huge relief” for her and his siblings, she asserted. “He has been a tower of strength.” At the same time, she said, “He nonetheless has fears and anxiety of his own, and enjoys his solitude.”
He’s been finding escape in reality shows like Survivor. She prefers The Amazing Race, the world-spanning adventure competition “that would be impossible to hold now.” Still, she said, “So long as we don’t have to eat bugs”—a common challenge in both shows—”I have every confidence my team will win. We are nothing if not survivors.”
Family Separation
Cathy Renna, a communications consultant in New Jersey, shares custody of her 14-year-old daughter Rosemary with her ex, who lives in Texas. Rosemary had been scheduled to visit Renna over spring break in March—a trip now postponed indefinitely. She and her ex “had to make a hard decision,” Renna said. “But the most important thing is Rosemary’s safety.”
Rosemary’s usual July trip, too, is up in the air, and Renna now wonders, “When am I going to see her next?” While her current partner and extended family are “incredibly supportive,” Renna said, “The biggest source of anxiety is the uncertainty.” She explained, “I’m not anxious about whether my daughter is being well taken care of and safe, because I know she is. But it’s still really hard.”
They talk every day via Zoom, though, and Rosemary, a talented artist, shares her latest creations. Renna orders art supplies online to be shipped to Rosemary. “It’s not the same” as an in-person visit, she said, “but it’s definitely better than if we didn’t have it.”
Caring for Our Wider Communities
One parent in Florida, who asked to remain anonymous, told me that she and her wife “have been a regular part of the life of a seven-year-old girl” who lives nearby with her father and stepmother and plays with their own eight-year-old child. She said, “Her parents are addicts. Her dad just got out of jail for assaulting his current girlfriend.” Her mom has lost custody. The girl often stays with the woman’s family all day on the weekends.
The woman adds, however, “I have severe asthma. My life quite possibly depends on me not getting COVID-19.” The girl has told her, however, that her dad and stepmom “don’t care” about taking precautions against the virus. The woman has had to tell her she can no longer visit. “She sits out in her driveway most of the day now and waves to me when she sees me. That makes me cry,” she related. “We’re going to figure out what we can do from a serious distance so she knows she’s still loved.”
And in a reminder that this is a worldwide pandemic, Luka wrote to me from New Zealand, noting, “I am technically not a parent yet,” but they help care for their housemate’s five-year-old child. Additionally, Luka is a high school teacher, “so I am a queer person constantly around kids.”
Luka is concerned about their queer students, who after school closures would be returning to homes “where there is often much less support than is provided at school.”
For themselves, they said, “The hardest thing about COVID-19 is self-isolation. I’m already struggling as I am not able to see my queer friends as regularly.” They added, “I’m also worried about my parents and siblings, but since we stopped talking when I came out, I have no way of knowing how they are.”
Luka also said that not knowing when they’ll be able to get a haircut makes their gender dysphoria worse, as does the fact that they will likely stop chest binding soon, “as a precautionary measure.” While there is no evidence that binding leads to a higher risk of COVID-19, some doctors have advised not binding if infected, to ease the respiratory effects of the disease.
Nevertheless, Luka said, “I’m appreciating the coming together of online communities, and the support that is providing at this uncertain time.”
Our Children, Building Community
Young people in LGBTQ families are among those stepping up to create those online communities. Bea Croteau is a high school sophomore in Massachusetts and a member of the school’s GSA (Gender and Sexuality Alliance). She and one of her two moms came up with the idea of asking a local college student, whose studies include queer history, to host a virtual discussion on the topic for the GSA. The other GSA leaders agreed. A lot of the GSA members love queer history, Croteau told me in an e-mail. For the online event, she said, “I hope they learn new things and are able to discuss ideas they already know and love.”
We are likely seeing only the beginning of COVID-19’s impact—and the people hardest hit are the ones least likely to have the time to talk with a reporter. The stories above are not meant to be a representative group (that would take far more space than I have here), but simply to offer a few examples and perhaps offer some inspiration. LGBTQ families have always proven we can face adversity; these families are showing we can so again even in the face of COVID-19.
I welcome further stories in the comments, should you wish to share.