This week’s pick, “(An)Other Mother,” comes from Partner A at Cats and Cradles. In it, she reflects on life as a non-gestational mother, a term she prefers to “non-biological mother.”
Now, posts about being a non-gestational/non-biological mother are not uncommon. Heck, there are whole blogs and even whole books on the topic. But Partner A offers some wonderful insights to add to the conversation, such as:
The reality is that Critter’s entrance into our lives had a substantial impact on my own biology as well. Leaving aside the sleep deprivation and the nutritional abyss we fell into after Critter’s birth, my hormones got hit hard. Bonding isn’t just for biological mothers, after all. And back in the early, crazy, difficult days, back when Critter refused to be put down pretty much at all, ever, it wasn’t hard to feel like we were all three part of one semi-detachable organism.
and:
When it’s just me and Critter out in public, people assume I’m his mother. And I am, and I appreciate that recognition. But sometimes I feel just a little like it’s based on a false idea, because the vast majority of them assume I gave birth to him. I realize that I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to pass as his genetic/gestational mother because it’s easier a lot of the time, but I want recognition for who I really am as well. There’s a part of me that wonders if they would think me less his mother if they knew “the truth”, like maybe they’re only considering me his mother because they think I was pregnant with him.
Her post is long, but well worth it. Also check out her newer posts on trying to add a second child to their family. Thanks to reader Stephanie for the tip. (Leave a comment or drop me a note if you would like to suggest a post of your own or someone else’s as a Post of the Week.
It’s a shame (though completely understandable) that the writer’s identity as a mother is so dependent on the assumptions and judgements of strangers. I suspect that over time she’ll grow to fully accept her maternal role. Once you feel comfortable tweaking conventions, it just takes some practice to finesse the disconnect that others inevitably stumble over.
“Non-gestational mom” isn’t a bad term, but I suspect we could do better. Unfortunately our language isn’t (yet) rich enough to encompass every nuanced situation. When blogging, I always feel badly that certain terms aren’t sufficiently inclusive. But I figure if just mix it up, people will recognize themselves eventually — and understand I’m coming from a good place.