Children Ask, Children Tell

(Originally published in Bay Windows, January 10, 2008)

Family Under Fire
Iraq War vet tells of struggles to raise two sons while closeted

American FlagFive-year-old William and three-year-old Ryan are the children of decorated U.S. Army officer Cheryl Parker. Like other children of service members, they have dealt with cross-country moves and months without their mother while she was deployed in Iraq. Unlike the others, however, they must forgo many benefits, conveniences and support services offered to military families, or risk revealing that they have another mother, Donna Lewis. This could lead to Parker’s dismissal under the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, even in LGBT-friendly Massachusetts. (Note: Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the family.)

In the close-knit community of an army base, there is a strong chance the young children will inadvertently out their mothers. “When I tried to put William in on-base daycare,” explains Parker, “he would talk about having two moms. A lot of the daycare workers are spouses of military personnel. I don’t need somebody’s wife saying ‘What’s the deal with William Parker?'” The same applies to the other activities provided by the Army family centers, such as kiddie gym classes. “The questions start and then the lying begins, and it’s just too complicated.”

The couple is adamant, however, that however much they must lie to protect their family, they will never have their children do so. Lewis explains “We can’t take them to the commissary together anymore. One of the boys will say ‘Mom? Not you, my other mom.’ We can’t tell him ‘Don’t say that,’ because he’s going to say ‘Why?’ The best way to deal with it is just not to put them in that situation.”

The “situations” are often ones children would relish. “They had this humongous playground on one base that William absolutely loved,” says Lewis. “But if there were a lot of kids around, we couldn’t go, because he might say ‘That’s my mom, my other mom’s at home.’ That’s what kids do. They introduce themselves. If he was going to play by himself, which really sounds sad, then it was okay for him to go to the playground.” She adds, “He’s dying to play soccer, and they have on-base teams for younger kids. We have to find a team off base, away from the area. William can’t go to the swimming pool, he can’t go to movie day, the things other kids are allowed to do.”

Parker says holidays are especially hard. “We had a Thanksgiving function where all the other officers brought their spouses and children. The children were running amok in this big banquet area. I can’t bring my kids to these wonderful things because I’m afraid of what they could say. It would cost me my job.”

They also stayed away from the kids’ holiday party on base, complete with Santa and gifts for each child. “We thought ‘It’s just not worth it.’ We’ll take them to the mall again to see Santa if we have to,” Parker says. They found another alternative, in an off-base organization that has Santa “deliver” a gift that you drop off with them in advance. “We still had to sanitize our house and take down pictures,” recalls Parker, “because God forbid, Santa would be Colonel So-and-So’s retired brother or whatever.” Lewis reflects, “It’s very hard to explain to the children that you hid a picture. That is the saddest part, that even in our own home, we have to hide.”

They cannot ever live on base, where they could get free housing, but where neighbors would be more likely to question Donna’s constant presence and note the boys call her “Mom.” Parker says there are more than financial benefits here. “Living on base, you’re safer, you don’t have the same kind of traffic, you have the medical clinic, the commissary, the PX. Everything’s right there and convenient.”

Instead of spending time on base, the family often finds itself at a local mall that has a play area; momentary fun, but not a place to build lasting friendships. The worries don’t stop at the base gate, however. Parker reflects “You can be at the carnival and say something, and the person behind you could be somebody from your office.”

When the family socializes, it is most often with non-military, same-sex families. “We show them the other moms so they grow up thinking this is normal and this is great.” Lewis worries, however, that this means less exposure to straight families, a view of the world as limiting as the other way around.

As their children grow older, they will miss out on even more. “Some installations have secondary schools,” says Parker, “that often don’t have the issues with drugs and gangs that you have on the outside. If someone is misbehaving, you’re going to know about it a lot quicker. It’s almost like sending your child to a private school for free.” In order to attend school there, the boys would have to lie about their family. The same is true for a base’s teen center, an after-school hangout that also offers field trips and dance nights. “There are not a lot of opportunities like that off base that I know would be as safe,” Parker observes.

Parker would pay for such opportunities, but observes a big advantage to being with other children of military personnel: “Their dads and moms are at war, too. If nothing else, the boys would have a bond because those kids know what it is to be scared. I’ll be gone a lot before I retire. My kids aren’t going to have that support. In a non-military setting, the kids don’t understand. This war is something they read about in the news. It doesn’t affect them.”

Discrimination impacted their family right from the start. When Parker was trying to get pregnant with William, the Army refused to pay for her artificial insemination because she was not married. It cost them thousands of dollars. When Lewis was pregnant (with insemination again paid for out of pocket), she had to go on welfare to get the insurance coverage for Ryan’s birth.

The couple then had to pretend Parker was a single mom of two. She couldn’t do a second-parent adoption of Ryan because adoption papers, showing Lewis as the other mom, would be a matter of public record. (The same is true for marriages.) Instead, they filed paperwork to give Parker guardianship. She explains, “The Army only recognizes Ryan as a dependent, a ‘custodial child,’ not as my son. He’s my son,” she says with conviction. “I don’t fight it because he still has all the rights and privileges as William. If I fight that battle, then I’ll lose the war. My job is what provides for my family.”

If the boys get sick, Parker must leave work to take them to the free on-base hospital, because the Army does not see Lewis as having any standing to dictate their medical care. “Not that I can’t stop what I’m doing,” Parker says, “but it’s so unfair if Donna wants to do those things, and other stay-at-home moms get to waltz right in and get their kids seen.”

Each time Parker is transferred, they have to pay Lewis’s relocation expenses, whereas the Army pays for legal spouses. “If I have to pay $1500 for Donna’s move,” Parker says, “that’s $1500 I could have spent on my kids’ education or some other way that would benefit them.”

The financial and practical hardships are tough, but the couple struggles most with the emotional ones. When Parker’s unit returned from Iraq, Lewis and the boys did not attend their homecoming parade. Parker will soon have a promotion ceremony, which for married officers involves their spouse and children. The boys will stay home with Lewis that day, unable to see their mother rewarded for her work and commitment. When Parker retires, her children will not see Lewis presented with a bouquet and a retirement certificate signed by the President of the United States like other spouses, a gesture of appreciation for her role in caring for the family during Parker’s years of service.

Parker and Lewis know a few other military same-sex couples with children, but not enough to form a support network in the shifting world of deployments and postings. In an email, Victor Maldonado of the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network says it is impossible to tell how many such families there are, for the law prevents them from identifying themselves.

Parker expresses the feelings of many LGBT service members when she asks “How do I fight for the rights of others when mine are so restricted? They’re taking convicted felons into the military, but I’m beneath a convicted felon.” The worst part is, she says, “Because of that, my kids have to suffer.”

Parker knows people will ask “Why doesn’t she just quit?” She gives a soldier’s answer: “I’ve known I was gay since I was probably five years old. I’ve known I wanted to be in the military since I was ten, when I saw the marching band go by. This is something that’s been in my blood. It’s easy for people when things get tough just to quit and move on to something else, but I refuse to let them take away my dream. I’ll go out kicking and screaming. It should be your right to defend your country, with no strings attached.”

She wants her children to have a positive view of the military, too. “All I want them to know right now is that the military gives me a good job, it benefits them. They won’t know that I have to live in such fear and secrecy until they absolutely have to. I’m hoping by the time they get old enough, things will be different. I’m being optimistic, but it could happen.”

Lewis adds “We want them to be honest, and we want them to be themselves. We’ve already talked about it — if that means they out us and we lose everything, then to us, that’s God’s will. I am not going to try and teach my babies to be good, upstanding citizens and in the same breath say ‘Lie.’ I can’t. It doesn’t work.”

That’s a sense of values the military should be proud to embrace.

24 thoughts on “Children Ask, Children Tell”

  1. I guess we’re one of the lucky ones. My partner was stationed in Pensacola with the Navy, and we were always included, with our daughter, in functions. Some events were held by the squadron and some were just pool parties and family get togethers at co-workers homes. If a dish was needed for a potluck or retirement ceremony I was usually called to bring one, as the ‘wife’. The folks here were great, and with one exception, a Captain with really old views of women in general, let alone being gay, we were all (kid included) made to feel like a part of the Squadron’s family unit.

    I can’t wait for the day when the military abolishes the old hateful and ignorant ways and let our service men and women serve openly. Being a military brat myself, I can say leaving children of gay soldiers and sailors out of base functions is letting them miss out on some of the best memories and experiences they will ever have.

  2. what a horribly sad situation. i feel like it’s sad because our country can’t recognize that that gays have always served, will always serve and must serve our armed forces.— in the mean time i find it horrible that you are in the armed forces and you subject your children to this homophobia- i say if you are gay and want to serve- do it-submit yourself to the lying and obfuscation and hiding and shame- but once you start bringing kids into this world– get out!!! there are other jobs- and yeah- you might not make as much (at first) but at least you don’t have to let your military “family” mind fuck you . get out!!!

  3. Everyone in the military makes a large sacrifice to defend this nation and our freedom. This family is making an even greater one. I , for one, am deeply grateful for Ms. Parker’s service.

  4. Excellent Article! My partner is an army civilian and I never thought about the possible ramifications of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ on children.

  5. Pingback: Children Ask, Children Tell | GayExecutive.com

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  7. I posted this article on a gay message board and I was surprised at some of the responses. But the more I thought about it, the more I began to agree with the responses. I gave up so much for my child. I would never dream of asking my child to sacrifice her childhood for my career. This comment I got sums it up best for me:

    I fully, firmly believe that gay people should be allowed to serve openly in the military, but since at this time they can’t, I think this woman is being extremely selfish toward her partner and especially her children. Since it seems to be all about her and how she “always wanted to be in the military” then fine. Let her go do that, her partner and kids can settle where the children can make friends and have full lives instead of being cloistered away like a dirty secret or a bomb that might go off and she can visit when she’s able. She’s not doing anyone, except perhaps herself, any favors.

    Bravery is something we attribute to soldiers, so maybe she should show some and fight for her right to serve instead of making her children suffer in the closet with her. During wartime is the best time for this sort of fight anyway.

    Maybe that’s harsh, but that’s my initial, gut-level reaction.

  8. Like the soldier in the article said, it is so easy for someone to say “Just quit!” As it appears to be easy for SteveS to say that the soldier was being selfish for wanting to maintain her family and career. And that she should fight for her right to serve openly. However, there is no other profession in this country where so much is asked of the individual (read: his/her life) and then that person also be forced to fight for his/her right to do that very job.

    Not every American is willing to step up to the plate and say, “Yes, I will defend the honor and freedom of this country, regardless if I agree with the reasons for this fight (read: political reasons). I realize that I may lose my life in this quest, but I will do it!” No, there are very few Americans that are man or woman enough to do this. Yet, some feel that on top of this fight, these Americans that WILL stand and fight, some should and must go even a step further and say, “And while I am risking my life for my fellow soldiers and every free American, and democracy as a whole, let me remind you that who I love does not affect my ability to aim my weapon. Who I love does not alter my Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honest, Integrity, or Personal Courage. No, who I love does not make me any less an American, a soldier, a man/woman, or person who deserves the same opportunities and freedoms of every other American. While I put my life on the line, let I, the gay soldier, remind you all, that I fight for people in other countries to have the very rights that I am forbidden to have in my own country. But fight I will because I am an American Soldier!”

    So SteveS, and to any other responder who feels that this soldier is being unfair, or simply that gays and lesbians should not be allowed to serve in the military, look around: are you sitting in a tent in a foreign country? Are you awaiting deployment to said foreign country? Are you man/woman enough to enlist to go fight in these countries? If you are man/woman enough, then why haven’t you? Why don’t you see what it feels like to be in a country where people hate you simply for what you are, not who you are. Then my friend you will know what it feels like to be gay or lesbian in America today!

    But to the soldier in the story, and to all soldiers, especially those who serve in silence: HOOAH!!! God speed, and may He watch over us all – gay, straight, whatever!

  9. G-d bless the both of you for the sacrifices you make not just for your children but for your country as well. DADT is nothing but hatred and bigotry at its worst. Lets hope that it goes away in the not to distant future.
    Thank you for all you do!
    Keep a smile on your face and love in your heart!

  10. Wow, thank you for telling such a powerful story. It really breaks my heart to hear all that you have to go through to both be who you are and do what you love.

    I recently wrote a post about this from the L Word perspective at my blog http://www.coaching4lesbians.com/blog/2008/01/22/the-l-word-season-5-episode-3-the-coachs-perspective/

    But it, and even the story line doesn’t even begin to bring home the added conflict and heartbreak of walking this path with children.

    All the best to you and your family… and may long overdue change in policy be swift.

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  13. As a gay mom with two older kids (15 & 12) I definitely understand the issues faced by the writer. We have lived on base for short periods of time, participated in activities on base, my kids even attend school on base….and no one knows our family secret. This has been very difficult on all of us as we have always instilled the importance of honesty…infact, it is a value that is at the core of my service. We struggle with teaching honesty, while feeling that we are being dishonest just by existing as a family. As I retire in 1 year we have decided that we will endure the keeping of our secret in the hopes that somewhere in the future our “success story” may help resind the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

    I am lucky that my children have always been there for promotions, and for any official function that we decide to attend….my partner is there when she is available; the down side is that she is recognized as a “friend” when she is so much more. While I look forward to retirement, I have a sadness associated with the event as my partner will not receive the official recognition that is very deserved as simply giving her that recognition would spur an investigation that would mean a loss of all we have sacrificed for.

    For now, we endure the required security “sign ins” of my partner every time we enter the gates, the denial of access to the kids if I am not available, as she is a civilian and has “no real need” to enter the base unaccompanied. My partner has a power of attorney, which can only be used in emergency, or upon my deployment. For now, we just try to offer some explaination to the kids of why gays aren’t “good enough” to serve in the open….when we’re good enough to make sacrifices in our personal lives in excess of the heterosexuals we serve beside everyday. The sadest part aren’t the sacrifices I or my family make in the service of our country, it is the misinterpretation of the Constitution . I’m very proud to be a defender of the Constitution….the same document that in a normal society would, under Article 14 allow me to simply be the person God made me to be.

  14. I am apalled at what this family has to go thru just to be happy. My hat goes off to the mothers for being strong enough to sacrafice and withstand this trying time. Marriages break-up everyday cheaters, liars, and financial problems. so I will say again that this family has my utmost respect for staying together thruout the test of time. Just hold on a little longer, we will shine oneday!

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  20. This honestly makes me sad.
    I’m not angry, but I should be.
    Just sad. Sad that the men and women who lay down their lives for us every day, that are the most honourable, courageous people I know, have to hide their relationships because it’s not the “norm”. So sad. And so sad for those children. Because I agree, how can you teach them values, but tell them to lie about their families? Families that LOVE them and cherish them.
    What is wrong with this world where people actually think this is ok?

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