A second guest post by Mary W. Foulk, a writer, new mom, and lesbian film critic, whose work has appeared at Lesbian Life, among other places.
Last Sunday, Alyson and I attended a friend’s birthday party. Prior to the event, I found myself really anxious about going. My concern—that we would be the only gay couple. We love our friend, her husband, and their children; they couldn’t be more supportive of us, our family, our love. I just couldn’t turn off the nagging voice that questions: What if no one talks to you? What if someone says something offensive, an off-color joke or remark? What if there are conversion Christians or wide-stance Republicans? What if I am asked, where’s Grady’s Dad or are you the mom? What if . . . ?
My anxiety does come from experience. We have been the only lesbian couple at many a party. In fact, one summer we attended countless weddings and repeatedly were the token lesbians. It’s an awesome responsibility, mind you. We always sat off to the side—with the other “alternative” invites, like the artistic cousin or Buddhist colleague or thrice-divorced aunt. It got to the point I thought about starting a business in which we rented ourselves out. Our business cards would read: “Rent-a-lesbian. Prove you’re progressive. Put the blue in blue state.”
And yes, we have been recipients of the “I didn’t mean anything by it” gay joke—the one at which you kind of nod, stunned by the ignorance or inappropriateness, stunned into silence. Then, you get home and feel voiceless and enraged.
I don’t mean to sound so cynical or bitter. As a parent, as a lesbian mom, I think about how I can keep my fears at bay, my assumptions in check. How can I remain protective of my family and identity yet open and trusting? For my sake, for Alyson’s, for Grady’s. As for the party, we had a fantastic time. None of my “what-ifs” were realized. In fact, we made new friends—a cute lesbian couple that invited us to a potluck next week.
Mary Foulk is a writer/educator who lives in Portland, OR with her amazing wife, Alyson, and their beautiful son, Grady. She loves being a parent and never realized how deeply challenging, moving, fun it could be. When not doing laundry or attempting to put a onesie on a fidgety baby, she enjoys exploring the incredible views of the Pacific Northwest, critiquing lesbian movies, and attempting to read something other than an anxiety-provoking parenting guide.