One of my readers has asked about resources for non-bio moms who have lost custody or had their children taken by bio moms. The National Center for Lesbian Rights has published a list of cases involving custody rights, not all of which ruled favorably towards the non-bio mom. They also report on a decision by the Washington State Supreme Court stating that a woman who agrees to have a child with her same-sex partner has all the rights and responsibilities of a legal parent. (This follows a similar California ruling that I wrote about in August.)
Not being in this situation myself, though, I don’t have a whole lot of expertise in this area. Anyone know of any other resources, such as legal guides, support groups, etc.? (The Family sections of both HRC and Lambda Legal are good general references on LGBT family issues and related laws, but it’s hard to find anything specific on non-bio mom topics.) Please leave a comment if you happen to know of something. Thanks.
Here is an article that may help?
Also, here is the national association of non-custodial moms. I didn’t see anything about non-biological moms on their site, I think in the legal field it’s still going to be new terrority for a lot, but they are a support group for any non-custodial parent, they say.
Hi!
I am the mom who queried about resources, and I’ll tell you why I did:
I have five children: four I gave birth to when I was married, and one my (now) ex-partner, M, gave birth to four years ago during our six-year relationship. My daughter’s name is J, and a few months after our breakup last year, M denied me contact with our daughter. I have not seen her since last March, and frankly my life has been hell. My story is a little complicated, but the basis is the same: we planned Janie’s conception together with the understanding I would adopt when she was born, I was there for her birth, was denied permission to adopt, but I co-parented J for 3 1/2 years. J only knew me as one of her moms.
As a result of my effort to find help, I realized that there is no support and few resources offered by GLBT organizations for women like me. Other than generous expressions of empathy and perhaps a list of attorneys, we are pretty much left to our own devices, rendered invisible, despite the fact that in every lesbian family, there is at least one non-biological mom, which I would think makes us a pretty large constituency. The same community that provided us with organizations, activities, lots of resources when we had our children, celebrating our families and expressing outrage when we were threatened, virtually ignores us when we lose our kids. It is as if one is no longer a mom, for where is the place for a woman at the family organization she used to belong to, once she no longer has her child?
I am trying to locate other moms like me in an effort to provide support as well as a voice. We need to get our families noticed and protected. It won’t happen though, if we don’t work hard to effect such changes.
I’ve begun to work on a website:
http://www.alwaysamom.org
and I can be contacted at:
alwaysjaniesmom@yahoo.com
Non-bio mother Lisa Coons-Anderson hosts a website to support other unrecognized parents: We 2 Have Parental Rights. It seems it has not been updated in a while, so I don’t know how active Lisa is on the issue right these days.
For parents who are still in a position where they can plan ahead, there is an important document that is endorsed by
numerous LGBT organizations including COLAGE, and you can find it on their website: Protecting Families: Standards for Child Custody in Same-sex Relationships.
Thanks for addressing this issue, Dana.
Abigail Garner
Author of Families
Like Mine
(And Wellesley Class of 1994!)
I fully agree with Alwaysjaniesmom that issues of rights and custody for non-bio moms are vital for our families and community. In an ideal world, of course, we’d be able to marry our partners and have our children (and our parental rights) protected by the same laws that protect straight parents and their families. Then, even if one mom wasn’t awarded custody, she’d at least have visitation rights (barring any violent or criminal behavior that would prevent this).
I do want to point out, however, that my partner and I are an exception to the “at least one non-bio mom in every couple” rule. I donated an egg, which she carried, and we successfully petitioned the State of New Jersey to put us both on our son’s birth certificate, without needing an adoption. We’re therefore “genetic mom” and “gestational mom,” rather than bio and non-bio.
Still, I think this only underlines the broader point: with so many variations on how we create our families, clarification of the legal status for all parents, whether coupled or separated, is necessary for the benefit of our children and our selves. Until such time as this is sorted out, though, LGBT-family organizations should make an extra effort to include those who are actively parenting their children as well as those who have (through no fault of their own) been prevented from doing so.
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I am currently in a court battle to get parental rights of my daughter. My partner and I never married because it wasn’t legal yet but I was made her guardian of her when she was 2 weeks old. My partner and I split up when my daughter was 6 and I had visitation and payed child support. In February 2013 my ex took away my guardianship and no longer allowed me to see my daughter. It has been 8 months since I have seen her and we are going to the NH Supreme court to try and get parental rights. Needless to say this has been very stressful and I was hoping to connect to other non bio moms who may be going thru the same thing.