Finding Leverage: LGBT Rights and the Unbiased but Unknowing

I was talking recently with another local mom, who has a toddler about the same age as mine. She’s straight, but has been totally accepting of my relationship and our family. She’d recently enrolled her child in a daycare program that she liked, and wanted to know if I’d be interested. It turned out that the program was run by a local church. “Hmm,” I said. “I’d have to look into that. I don’t know whether that denomination or that particular church might have issues about our family.” The other mom looked puzzled, then shocked. “I never would have thought of that,” she said.

It struck me then, that this is a vast area where the LGBT community can make inroads: educating the unbiased but unknowing.

Certainly, it’s vital that we continue to fight blatant prejudice and inequality. At the same time, without having to file lawsuits, demonstrate, or harangue, we can gently educate our friends and neighbors who may be supportive of our rights in theory, but unsure or unknowing of what to do in practice. They may also be unaware of how many biases there still are, even in the most accepting regions: Sure, the major employer in the area offers partner benefits, but we still pay taxes on them. Sure, I can stay home with my son and go to playgroups like any other stay-at-home mom, but while I’m not employed I can’t contribute to an IRA like a legally married mother could.

Educating people, even the well meaning, doesn’t guarantee their vote when it comes down to the wire on gay marriage amendments or hate crimes bills, but it tilts the odds in our favor. We can gain traction with the soft underbelly of voters who might support us if they realized we needed supporting, and why. We can give people a language for talking about us (“lesbian,” “partner”) in an open and accurate manner, which they will hopefully continue to use and propagate. Language is power, and we can empower people to spread it.

As LGBT parents, we also have a secret weapon: our kids. Not that you have to dress them up in HRC shirts or push a stroller in the Pride Parade (though if you want to, by all means do so); you can simply impress people with the fact that our kids are pretty much like anyone else’s. Often, when I’m at a playgroup with my son, people respond to him before they even notice me. (This happens to all moms, I suppose.) We make further playdates based on our children’s compatibility, and I find myself socializing with people I might never have spoken with based on profession and background. They’ve already been charmed by his cute smile and manners; when the fact of his two moms comes up, it’s a non-issue (or at least so small an issue that they don’t mention it). I’m sure there are examples of bias where this is not the case. When it is, however, we have the opportunity to spread some information. Naturally, we want to socialize more than proselytize in these situations. But it can’t hurt to drop in the fact of your extra financial burdens when you’re both griping about completing your 1040’s and there’s anti-gay marriage legislation pending in your state.

Again, there are times when we need to be aggressive in the face of blatant prejudice. The daily actions for most of us, though, are not so confrontational, but rest in expanding the horizons of the unbiased but unknowing. One person at a time.