It was with this doubtful eye that I opened a review copy of Elizabeth Pantley’s The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums, and Tears (Pantley). I was pleasantly surprised. Pantley, a mother of four, is the author of “No-Cry Solution” books for sleeping and potty training as well as several other parenting volumes. It is to her credit, however, that the books draw on more than just her own experience. For this work, she surveyed and spoke with 242 test parents around the world including gay parents, adoptive parents, and those in interracial or multicultural relationships. (She doesn’t, however, delve into how these different types of families might approach parenting differently or face different issues.)

Pantley starts on a good note and admits “there are no distinct black-and-white answers when it comes to raising children, and contradictory advice abounds. So parents must sort through everything they know, everything they hear, and everything they learn to come up with the right parenting approach for each of their children.” She assures parents that effective parenting skills are learned, even the best parents have children who will misbehave, and all parents lose their cool sometimes. Her book is geared towards parents of toddlers and preschoolers, but it’s easy to see how many of her ideas could be applied to older children as well.

Rather than jump right in to discipline solutions, however, Pantley talks first about the root cause of all common childish misbehaviors, a child’s undeveloped emotional control. When children act up, she says, it is typically not because they have personality defects or bad parents, but simply because they are still developing an ability to control their emotions.

After establishing this, Pantley offers a variety of practical discipline techniques. She again emphasizes there is no one-size-fits-all solution: “The beauty of having various options to choose from is by selecting those that fit each particular parent/child pair best, you can avoid the frustration and tears that result when parents attempt to follow an outsider’s advice about what is best for them.” This is refreshing in a world that bombards parents with “you should do this” advice. Her general approach is to find and address the specific cause of a child’s problem. Children who are tired, hungry, frustrated, bored, overstimulated, afraid, feeling powerless, or confused will tend to act out. Stopping the immediate behavior is only part of the solution, and will not help the child learn the long-term lesson of how to control their emotions and reactions. Pantley then offers several general solutions for avoiding and handling misbehavior, such as consistency of routine, offering a child an age-appropriate number of choices, and using songs, stories, and silliness to engage and garner cooperation. The last section of the book consists of “no-cry” solutions for specific misbehaviors, such as not wanting to take a bath, having poor manners at mealtime, fighting with siblings in the car, dawdling, hitting, lying, and messiness.

It’s all very sensible stuff. Many parents, I think, will already know that a hungry or tired child is more likely to be a misbehaving one, and many of us have used an impromptu puppet to distract and calm. Still, having it laid out like this can, I think, make us even more conscious in the heat of the tantrum-throwing moment that we need to address the why and not just the what.

What makes Pantley’s book stand out among parenting guides, however, is the middle chapter focusing on parental behavior. She wants to help us assess and manage the anger that, no matter how hard we try, seems to be a natural part of the whole parenting package when our children misbehave. Denying our anger or feeling guilty about it can only make things worse. Instead, we must deal with this emotion just as we expect our children to deal with theirs. Pantley offers several suggestions to help us do so.

Overall, this is a smart, practical book that is less about a specific method or style and more about how to identify causes of misbehavior and communicate effectively to stop them. Even her titular “no-cry” approach is a bit of a misnomer. “If your child doesn’t calm down with gentle efforts,” she advises, “then sometimes it’s best to let the tantrum run its course.” And again: “There are times when your child is fussing because he is unhappy with something you’ve told him to do or stop doing. If that’s the case, it’s only fair to let him be sad.”

Pantley peppers her work with pull-quotes from other parents, labeled “Mother-Speak” and “Father-Speak,” showing how others are using the same principles in practice. Perhaps not surprisingly, most of the quotes are from mothers. I suspect this is a factor of the parents Pantley had access to when she was working with her test families, but it is a shame there are not more fathers represented.

There are only a few moments when the book lapses into the overly chirpy tones of many parenting guides. (“Are you a bit surprised that ALL of the most common childish misbehaviors are likely caused by a child’s undeveloped emotional control? Yes, all of them! Every single one!”) The only moment of preachiness is when she asserts “Dedicated parents read parenting books, so I know that if you are reading these words you are a parent who truly cares about doing the best job you can.” I’d argue that dedicated parents find resources, which could include books but might only consist of friends, one’s own parents, online forums, or medical professionals. The human race certainly had its share of dedicated parents before mass publishing.

My last complaint is a minor one, which is that the photos of children throughout the book don’t lend anything to it. They are not connected to the text in any way, but merely show us “Wade, Age 4″ or “Isabella, Age 2 1/2.” I suppose they are meant to show happy, well-adjusted children (there are no photos of misbehaviors), but I didn’t find much value in them. Save the paper and leave them out, or find some photos of the techniques in action (a parent calming a crying child, for example).

For LGBT parents, there is little that is objectionable, although the book is written for a general audience. Pantley mostly uses “parent” and “parents” with only a few sentences like “Having a distracted Mommy or Daddy sitting beside her on the floor as she plays feels very different than having the same parent engaged. . . .” Even this could be read as a nod simply to parents of either gender, and not to Mommy-Daddy pairs per se. Pantley also acknowledges the many ways people create their families, saying at one point “During pregnancy or the adoption process, parents will daydream about their future families.”

Whether you find yourself struggling with your child’s behavior, want to be more prepared for when problems do occur, or simply want to be more aware of how methods you may already be using fit into the big picture of child and parental emotions, this is a worthwhile read.

In order that this post not be completely self-serving, however, I want to share with you a few items that made the move easier:

• Spackle: This wonder substance patches all kinds of flaws in the home you’re leaving. It’s also a sign of maturity; when I was in college, we’d cover up holes in the wall with a combination of toothpaste and white-out. I hate to admit it, but the real stuff works better. I’m partial to Drydex, which goes on pink and turns white when dry. Spring for a plastic putty knife, too—at less than a dollar, it’s a good investment.
• Electric screwdriver: Infinitely useful for tasks such as taking the ten thousand baby-safety latches off your old kitchen drawers and putting them onto the new ones.
• Large felt-tip marker: Mark your boxes as you pack, or make sure your movers do the same. The last time we moved, the packers labeled almost everything “Misc.” This was arguably not entirely inappropriate, but still made it hard to sort things out when we unpacked.
• A lawyer who understands LGBT relationships. Do you know the difference between writing your deed as “Joint with Rights of Survivorship” and “Tenants in Common”? You should, and your lawyer should help you decide which is right for you. (See the helpful interview of gay real-estate guru Jeffrey Hammerberg at Queercents.)
• Grandparents (or other nearby family or friends): If you have small children, having them stay with family or friends for a few days can not only make the move less stressful, but also give you time to secure hazardous cleaning products and install safety devices (outlet covers, stair gates, etc.) My son is with my folks right now, and having a grand time. I have, however, promised I’ll build him something out of empty boxes when he arrives. (I was thinking a simple box castle; he suggested a forklift. We’ll see . . . .)

Taking Time for YOU

Let’s face it, with so much to do and so many demands on our time it is challenging to take time just for yourself. If you’re a Lesbian Mom, the task is infinitely more difficult. Whenever I see my friends juggling careers, relationships, and children I wonder how they heck they do it. Yet, I would say that the busier you are the more taking time for yourself is mandatory, not optional. If you have kids, this makes it doubly mandatory because not only will it make you a better Mom, you act as a role model to them. You teach your kids that taking time for yourself is a good thing, and you help them bust the crazy misnomer that caring for yourself is somehow bad.

Why is taking uninterrupted time just for yourself so important? Well, you wouldn’t drive your car on “Empty” without any gas in it, would you? You wouldn’t write checks from your bank account without first making a deposit, would you? Your personal engine works the same way and it needs to be recharged in more ways than one to keep running optimally. We all have physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. Yet, how many of us can say that we consciously make deposits in each of these accounts on a regular basis? Goodness knows we draw from them each and every day, so why don’t we take the time to re-fill the well?

In my work as a coach I hear lots of excuses why women “can’t” take time for themselves. Things like:

• I don’t have any time
• My job is too demanding
• My kids need me
• I have too many responsibilities to manage the household
• I can’t be selfish like that
• Other people need my help
• At the beginning/end of the day I’m too tired or rushed to take the time
• I don’t want to be perceived as lazy
• I have too much to do

Now, I know where these people are coming from. Heck, I use some of these same excuses myself from time to time when I’m resisting the need to simply take time for myself. What I do know for sure is that the more people you have in your life that you love (and that need you) and the bigger impact you want to have in your career and on this world, the more you need time just for yourself. Time to simply close the doors on all that you are doing and retreat to doing something (or absolutely nothing) that nourishes your being.

You don’t need to go to some distant mountain to Om with reclusive monks for hours on end to refuel your soul and recharge your body, mind, and spirit. What you do need to do is to make YOU a priority by carving out regular time in your schedule just for you. You wouldn’t think twice of making an appointment with your partner or kids and keeping it sacred; well, you need to do the same for your most important asset – yourself.

To start, consider taking just a few hours a week (either all at once or scattered throughout) to block off just for yourself. Then, do something that truly feeds your passions, desires, body, and soul. Some suggestions that have worked for me and those I have worked with include:

• Taking quiet time to read something you enjoy
• Journaling about what you are feeling and what you really want from your life
• Doing nothing at all but pampering yourself (hot baths, taking a nap, lying in the sun)
• Taking a walk somewhere beautiful
• Visiting a museum, art show, or going to a concert
• Chilling out with a cup of tea or coffee and reading
• Getting a massage or bodywork
• Listening to music
• Engaging in a hobby you enjoy
• Watching an inspiring movie

There are lots of ways to recharge and refuel. The key is finding something that works for you. It should be easy to do, not cost a lot of money (or at least be in your budgeted spending for the month), and be something that feels a little self-indulgent. A sort of guilty pleasure that you otherwise would brush off as too frivolous for someone as important and accomplished as you. When you feel that pang of “there is something else I should be doing to achieve/serve/please something or someone else” that is simply verification that you really do need this down time.

In this whole “new world” the concept of down time gets a bad wrap. People think stopping for even a minute is a recipe for failure or missing something. The catch is that the stopping is indeed the most important non-activity you could possibly be doing to live a life that is more successful on your own terms and to feel more comfortable in your own skin.

Paula Gregorowicz and The Paula G Company specialize in working with lesbian business owners and professionals who feel stuck, frustrated, or like they don’t fit in to help them discover how to be comfortable in their own skin anytime, anywhere. To learn more, visit her websites at http://www.thepaulagcompany.com and http://www.coaching4lesbians.com or e-mail her at paula@thepaulagcompany.com.

• How to set a homework schedule. Also useful for us bloggers and writers.
• Kids Freeware Bonanza. From games to education.
• Copy TV shows to your iPod. Perhaps good for car trips, waiting at the doctor’s office, and other moments when you’ve exhausted all other means of entertainment.
• Teach kids valuable lessons with free Sesame Street iPod videos. Over 35 years old, and still going strong.

And for busy parents:

• A guide to freezer cooking. No, not actually roasting a chicken in your freezer, but rather how to cook and freeze a month’s worth of meals in a single cooking session.
• Can I freeze that? A guide to freezer do’s and don’ts. A link to information from The National Center for Food Preservation. (I didn’t even know there was such an organization. I wonder if donating a few things from my fridge would get me a tax write-off.)

If you need to keep your older kids amused while you cook, point them at MAKE’s podcast and downloadable pattern for creating a Thanksgiving turkey out of paper. Even better, have them sous-chef for you, mashing potatoes or cutting up green beans. (Younger children can snap beans with their hands or use safety scissors.) You might even avoid the last-minute panic if you have more hands to help (assuming you have enough space to keep stray elbows from ending up in the cooling pumpkin pie).

Personally, I’m too busy arranging my wedding this weekend to even think about Thanksgiving yet. I will add two tips for parents to Paula’s list, however. First, make your kids part of the process. They’ll feel better about it, and you won’t feel like they’re simply getting in the way. Kids can snap green beans or mash potatoes from a very early age.

Second (and this is useful for non-parents, too), don’t be afraid to ask for help. Unless you’re trying out for America’s Top Chef, there are no prizes for solo efforts. If you have relatives coming from out of town, have them bring the cranberry sauce or washed and trimmed green beans that are ready to cook. I always find multi-chef meals to be more fun, anyway. Everyone gets to try some new foods and no one feels guilty for not contributing.

Drop a comment if you have holiday tips of your own, or recipes you’d like to share.

• Less than 25% of all families consist of a married, opposite-sex couple living with their own (biological or adopted) children—down from 40% in 1970.
• While most children do live with two parents today (including stepparents), most will also at some point live with only one parent.
• One third of all births are to women who are not married. Half of them are not teen mothers, but rather women over the age of 20. This number doesn’t distinguish between those cohabitating with a partner and those living alone— regardless, it shows that marriage and family are no longer the coterminous institutions they once were. (The one third also does not include women who adopt, since we do not know how many women adopt on their own.)
• For women over 30 years old, 8% birthed children on their own in 1970, but today the proportion has jumped to 12%.
• Finally, a figure pointing to the continued need for childcare: “Among children living with single parents, 69% have an employed parent. . . . The women in these families are not selfish careerists, as they have often been (and still are) characterized. Women seek employment for the same reasons men do: they need a paycheck, they want personal rewards, and they wish to do meaningful work.” (From Hertz and Marshall, Working Families.)

Join us here tomorrow night at 9:00 p.m. EDT to learn more about these demographic and social changes and to discuss practical advice for single moms and others.

(Thanks to Google Blogoscoped for the tip.)

It’s tough leaving our two-and-a-half-year-old son, of course. Every day brings changes at this age. At least we’re beyond the milestones of first step and first word, so there’s no worry about missing those. We also know he’s in good care, staying with my folks this week. He’s their only grandson, and there’s mutual excitement when they get together. I’m a firm believer, too, in a little time away to refresh and recharge. I’ve seen too many parents either frazzled or apathetic when they’ve been “on” too long. That’s why there’s a halftime, or at least a seventh-inning stretch, in many sports—so players and fans can make it through the rest of the game.

If you’re going to be on the cruise, drop me a note and we can sit on the Lido deck and chat about our kids. If not, I look forward to reading your comments when I return.