Some of you may have heard or read NPR’s recent piece (and followup Q & A) on two young boys expressing female “gender preferences.” The boys’ parents each sought the help of a different psychologist. One went to Dr. Diane Ehrensaft, a psychologist and gender specialist in Oakland, CA. She described the boy as transgender, and said she does not think the parents should try to change their child’s behavior. The other went to Dr. Kenneth Zucker in Toronto, whose said he preferred to try and make the child, Bradley, comfortable with the gender of his birth. That meant depriving Bradley of favorite activities:

So, to treat Bradley, Zucker explained to Carol that she and her husband would have to radically change their parenting. Bradley would no longer be allowed to spend time with girls. He would no longer be allowed to play with girlish toys or pretend that he was a female character. Zucker said that all of these activities were dangerous to a kid with gender identity disorder.

Zucker, as it turns out, is the darling of groups such as NARTH, the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. In his book Gender Identity Disorder and Psychosexual Problems in Children and Adolescents, co-authored with Susan Bradley, he writes:

The rights of parents to oversee the development of children is a long-established principle. Who is to dictate that parents may not try to raise their children in a manner that maximizes the possibility of a heterosexual outcome?

Zucker is treating gender identity the way sexual orientation was treated until fairly recently, as something that can be “cured.”

Awful stuff, but why am I telling you this now? Read more »

Raising a child takes at least 18 years, though some would say it is a lifetime’s work. Why then, has television representation of LGBT families focused primarily on the initial stages of family creation, and not on the later years?

Almost every adult lesbian on television has had a storyline revolving around her attempt at pregnancy, including NYPD Blue’s Abby Sullivan, ER’s Kerry Weaver, and more recently Cashmere Mafia’s Caitlin and Alicia. The long-running Friends’ never starred a lesbian, but Ross spent the second episode in shock that his ex-wife was going to have his biological child with her new, female partner.

LGBT shows, too, often tackle lesbian family creation. Pregnant lesbian characters have included Melanie and Lindsay of Queer As Folk, Bette and Tina of The L Word, Ellen DeGeneres and Sharon Stone’s couple in If These Wall Could Talk 2, Chris and Kris of LOGO’s sitcom Exes and Ohs, and Dana and Kirsten of the same network’s Rick and Steve, who partner with the titular characters to have a family. We see little, however, of any of these women actually raising their children. (The last two shows are new enough, though, that they could show it in future seasons.) Read more »

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who call yourselves mothers. We may come by the title in different ways, but the one thing we all share is a love of our children.

I found it interesting that two lesbian-mom authors this week wrote of the difficulty of sharing Mother’s Day with another mother. Harlyn Aizley at the Beacon Broadside says: Read more »

Both the New York Times and Details magazine have just published articles that look at the “settling down” of gay male culture. The Times, in a Sunday Magazine cover story, explores the trend of even young gay men in their 20’s getting married. Details looks at “The Gay Baby Boom.”

It’s a good thing that mainstream media is finally realizing there’s more to gay life than darkened bars and sparkly drag shows. At the same time, I can’t help but think: Didn’t we gals go through this already? Newsweek’s famous cover article on “Lesbians: Coming Out Strong” appeared back in 1993, and these days you can’t find a lesbian on mainstream television who isn’t trying to become a parent. Read more »

Just in time for Mother’s Day, I’m pleased to launch the brand new “Proud Soccer Mom” line of t-shirts, sweatshirts, hats, and more. Suitable for both playgrounds and Pride marches, they could become a wardrobe staple.

Buy now through CafePress.

Helen and I discuss why people always want to know what children of two moms call their parents, why even Cynthia Nixon can’t escape the question, and why we shouldn’t get so hung up on the issue. We also have fun with two classic board games and tell you why our son isn’t a genius just because he plays them (though we’re not ruling it out).

Online Videos by Veoh.com

Brought to you in partnership with After Ellen.

Thomas Beatie caused a minor sensation several weeks ago when he came out as a pregnant transgender man. I offered my own opinion about him, which boils down to “a loving family is all that matters.”

Annalee Newitz at AlterNet, however, reminded us that Beatie is not the first man to get pregnant. She knows of at least two others in the U.S., one of whom had a child almost ten years ago. Now, the U.K.’s Daily Express reports that a transgender man in Germany had a child over a decade ago. (Thanks, PageOneQ.) I’d venture a guess that we’ll hear of more in short order. Read more »

Just when you thought the Jenkins-Miller custody battle was over, with a Vermont court ruling that Janet Jenkins could maintain child visitation rights to the daughter she parented with her former partner Lisa Miller:

Virginia’s Supreme Court this week heard arguments from Miller, the “ex-lesbian” biological mother, who wants the court to overturn an earlier ruling which affirmed Vermont court decisions giving Jenkins parental rights.

Nick Langewis at PageOneQ has a good recap of the whole interstate debacle. He also notes that fathers’-rights advocate Glenn Sacks sees the case as an example of what divorced straight women often do to their husbands. Sacks tells Jenkins “Welcome to the ‘dad’s club.”

I’ve never liked Sacks; his pro-father, pro-men stance tends to slide into misogyny. “I’m in Janet Jenkins’ corner on this one all the way,” he says. I’m a little creeped out to think I’m in that corner with him.

Langewis also discusses the “ex-gay” thread running through the case. This isn’t, however, the only recent custody battle with such a theme:

• Last year, the Utah Supreme Court ruled that parents do not have the right to visitation with non-biological children. The ruling stemmed from a custody case instigated by an ex-lesbian mom, working with an anti-gay legal organization.
• A Georgia mother tried to revoke the state’s second-parent adoption laws in order to prevent her ex-partner from custody. The Advocate says she is “rethinking her sexuality.” The Georgia Supreme Court declined to hear the case.
• A mom in Ohio tried to use the state’s ban on same-sex marriage to deny her ex-partner visitation, saying the ban also invalidated the right to co-parent. Not exactly an “ex-gay” case—but if we could revoke someone’s toaster oven. . . .

Isn’t part of being a parent teaching your children self-respect?

Out magazine just published their second annual list of “The Power 50: The Most Powerful Gay Men and Women in America,” which means it’s time for my second annual list of The Most Powerful Lesbian Moms in America.

The definition of “power” is subjective, of course. For the purposes of this list, I considered it to mean someone who is known by a large cross-section of the population, within or outside the lesbian community, is at or near the top of her chosen profession, or who is in some other way a well-known personality and long-time influencer. I aimed for inclusion rather than exclusion, but tried to pick those whose impact in their fields or in the world at large is widespread and lasting.

I’m including the names of partners, even if one person is not as well known, in order to acknowledge the contributions of both people to their households and to each others’ achievements. (I may have missed a few partners, however, if their names are not public, and I was not able to find last names and professions for a few others.)

Out only has 14 women on their list, one more than last year, so I’m hoping my suggestions may help them find a better balance. If I can come up with the names of 46 powerful people who are not only lesbians but also moms (a few less if we omit less-known partners), surely Out can add some more lesbians to its Power 50. Out gave more weight to political clout in all its picks, whereas I looked at overall clout, political or professional. But still, I can’t believe the balance is so skewed.

I’ll also add that we must each define success for ourselves. It may mean choosing to stay home with one’s children, or to forgo career advancement for the sake of one’s family. For those who strive to achieve in both career and family, however, these moms are inspirational.

Of course, the thing about motherhood is that your kids always think you’re the most powerful mom(s) in the world, and it’s their opinions that really matter.

In alphabetic, not rank, order by last name of the generally more well-known partner: Read more »

Authors Gina Daggett and Kathy Belge are the duo behind the long-running “Lipstick and Dipstick” advice column in Curve magazine, in which they offer their butch-femme take on lesbian relationships. Their first book, Lipstick’s and Dipstick’s Essential Guide to Lesbian Relationships, is a compilation of practical and witty advice on everything from dealing with a new girlfriend’s homophobic parents, to setting boundaries when you move in together, to whether you should keep sex toys from a previous relationship. The book is not primarily about parenting, but does explore some parenting topics and their impact on adult relationships. Kathy (who also writes the Lesbian Life column for About.com) was kind enough to send me a copy so I could review the parenting sections. Read more »