ABC News’ “What Would You Do?” series recently set up several actors in a local café near Dallas, Texas, to test patrons’ responses to harassment of same-sex parents and their children. An actor playing a homophobic waitress harangued the parents (first two moms, then two dads) about how they were “bad for the kids,” and told them to leave the restaurant.

In the end, over half the patrons spoke up and told the waitress her behavior was inappropriate.

That’s encouraging news for our society. I’d like to believe that the number of people who would harass us outright is growing smaller, and the number who would stand up for us is growing bigger.

Even among those who would stand up for us, however (whether in person or through their voting habits), there may still be some who do not feel entirely comfortable interacting with LGBT parents and our children. Much of this may be because of a fear of saying the wrong thing, or because they are unsure of the terminology to use.

Here, therefore, are five “Don’ts” and five “Do’s” that I’ve developed to help potential allies when they first encounter LGBT families. (Those with existing LGBT friends should use their own better judgment about the friends’ sensitivities when it comes to discussing their families.) Many of these tips may be obvious to readers here—but I hope that by compiling them, I’ve given you an easy way to share them in your communities.

Don’t assume that just because we’re LGBT, we’re completely different from other parents. We change diapers. We fix scraped knees. We worry when our teens start to drive. We comfort, we care, we discipline when necessary. We make mistakes like anyone else. We try to learn from them. Above all, we love our children.

Don’t assume that just because we’re LGBT, we’re exactly the same as other parents. We often went through a different, costly process to have our children and secure our legal relationships to them. We may face greater bias in employment and housing. Same-sex couples face additional financial burdens opposite-sex married couples do not (paying taxes on employer-based medical insurance for a stay-at-home partner, for example). And the simple act of our children addressing us in public by our parental titles—“Mommy” and “Mama” or “Daddy” and “Papa” (or any other variations)—can bring unwanted stares.

Don’t ask questions about how we created our families if you don’t know us. Many of us are happy to discuss these details once we know you (and may bend your ear if you catch us in the right mood), but are not always so willing with strangers.

“Which of you is the real mom/dad?” is probably the most egregious question of this type. If there are two of us doing the parenting, then we both are. Maybe one of us bore the child in her womb. Maybe we used a surrogate. Maybe we adopted the child. Maybe one of us donated an egg that the other one carried. It doesn’t matter. Both of us are raising the child and committed to her or his well being. That makes us both real parents.

Similarly, don’t ask a female couple “Who’s the father?” or a male couple “Who’s the mother?” Maybe there is a genetic parent whom we wish to acknowledge, and maybe there isn’t. Maybe one of us is transgender and is the child’s mother or father, although we appear to be the opposite. Don’t assume.

Don’t euphemize. Nothing conveys discomfort like using the terms “your lifestyle,” “people like you,” or similar. Say “lesbian,” “gay,” “bisexual,” or “transgender” if there’s a need for these terms in conversation.

Don’t assume that if one member of a couple looks more feminine, and one more masculine, that we fall into traditional mother-father roles. You may just find out that the more masculine-looking mom carried the child and is a stay-at-home parent, and the more feminine one is teaching him to play baseball.

Do refer to a same-sex couple (especially one committed enough to have kids) as “partners,” if you don’t know otherwise. They may prefer another term—spouses, wives, husbands, etc., and will likely tell you if they do—but “partners” won’t offend anyone. Under no circumstances use “friends,” which trivializes the relationship.

Do ask what the children call their parent(s), but only if there’s a need. If you are a teacher, coach, neighbor, or someone else who has a need to know because you will be interacting with us, then this question is fine to ask of parents or children. Otherwise, it seems nosy.

Do comment about something your family has in common with ours. Does your son also like Legos? Did your daughter also love to dip her french fries in chocolate milk when she was the same age as ours? Let us know. We’d much prefer to talk about our similarities.

Do tell us how cute our kids are. Yeah, we’re suckers for that, too.

Do remember that no two LGBT parents are exactly alike, and may approach discussing their families in different ways.

TIME doesn’t comment on the current battle for marriage equality, however. I”ll make up for their omission by quoting from Mildred Loving’s own statement of June 12, 2007, the 40th anniversary of the decision:

Surrounded as I am now by wonderful children and grandchildren, not a day goes by that I don’t think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the “wrong kind of person” for me to marry. I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people’s religious beliefs over others. Especially if it denies people’s civil rights.

I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard’s and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness, and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That’s what Loving, and loving, are all about.

My deepest condolences to Brendan’s family, who loved him unconditionally.

Unfortunately, the song, “And Mom and Kid,” isn’t yet available online. I give you instead “Roy G. Biv,” from their generally awesome album Here Comes Science. At least it has a rainbow theme. (It’s from their weekly podcast, so there’s a short spoken intro.)

This also serves in lieu of our vlog for the week, which won’t be happening because of unforeseen circumstances. Stay tuned for one next Thursday. (And please leave a comment if there’s a topic you’d like to hear us address!)

I am a member of the Amazon Associates program, and get a small referral fee from all purchases made at Amazon.com via links on this site. You are under no obligation to purchase through them.

One is Steven Goldstein’s piece at Blue Jersey, which I mentioned in my Political Roundup this week. Steven is the chair of Garden State Equality, which is now on the front lines of the marriage equality battle. He tells us not of an organizational initiative, however, but a very personal conversation with a member of the Hasidim, the ultra-orthodox Jewish community. They were protesting GSE’s rally and lobby day for marriage equality—but the conversation is not what you’d expect.

The other piece is by actor and lesbian mom Cynthia Nixon at HuffPo. She writes of lobbying New York State Senator Ruth Hassell-Thompson, who told her that she was going to vote “no” on marriage equality because of her deep religious belief that marriage should be between a man and a woman. Nixon writes that Hassell-Thompson nevertheless considered not only the opinions of the many constituents who contacted her, but also several very personal matters. In the end, Hassell-Thompson voted yes. I won’t spoil Nixon’s narrative by giving too many details here, but you should go read.

They explain:

This is a blog about gender and American popular culture, written by two English professors. We both see the world through the lens of cultural studies, which means that we think that things like advertising, television, mainstream films, popular music and the internet are worthy of serious academic study and commentary. Our goal here is to focus on the way gender is constructed in the mass media. . . .

Our two body “solution” is to offer two distinct yet coordinated narrative voices, sometimes individually, sometimes collectively. Professor Moss (a woman) may comment on masculinity and Professor Bean (a man) may comment on femininity. Our point is not to provide a woman’s opinion on femininity and a man’s on masculinity (or at least not always to do so) but rather to open up gender for discussion on any terms we think are appropriate. We may post together, and usually we will comment on each other’s posts, but we also want to create a space in which each of us is free to stake out her own territory. We see this as a joint venture, but one that still allows for individual commentary.

You will find that each of us has a distinct way of positing a problem, analyzing a text, etc., but you will also notice the ways in which we see our shared, and often perplexing, culture similarly.

We talk a lot about gender in the LGBT community, but we certainly don’t have an exclusive on such matters. I think, in fact, that our understanding of gender can only benefit by including all perspectives, LGBT and not. Profs. Bean and Moss are also among the strongest LGBT allies I’ve ever met, in any case. If you’re interested in issues of gender and culture, check them out.

• Amicus briefs are coming in to Florida’s third district court of appeal from LGBT and other civil-rights groups, in support of a circuit court decision that allowed a gay couple to adopt two brothers, effectively overturning the state’s ban on adoption by same-sex couples.
• Despite new legislation in Victoria, Australia, to allow lesbian couples access to IVF treatment and donor sperm, many couples have had their applications delayed due to a lack of the government resources needed to carry out the record checks required.

Schools

• Oregon Gov. Ted Kulongoski signed the sexual-orientation inclusive Oregon Safe Schools Act, which requires schools to have clearer rules, processes, and educational tools to deal with bullying.
• A leaked report from the Dutch government says that religious schools can refuse to employ gay teachers if their behavior is contrary to school beliefs, even if such behavior is outside the classroom.

Personal Stories

• Australian gay dads Matt and Martin talk with the Sydney Star Observer about their path to parenthood through surrogacy, and why they went to California to make it happen.
• We hear a lot of stories of LGBT parents, but fewer about LGBT grandparents. Iowan Loren Olson discusses his upcoming wedding and its impact on his grandchildren, noting wisely, “From a global perspective, social justice demands that we share our sexual orientation with others, but when it comes to decisions related to the consequences to individuals, the decision always is more difficult.”
• Joan Garry, former Executive Director of GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation), writes about Father’s Day in a House with Lesbian Moms.
• Straight ally “Palindrome” writes at Open Salon about explaining marriage inequality to her preschooler. Her daughter’s reply is spot-on: “I think people should get to choose whoever they want to marry. It should be their choice, not somebody’s elses [sic].”
• I can’t believe I didn’t link to this already, but Paige Schilt’s piece at Bilerico on maintaining ties to the queer community after parenthood is a must-read.
• Not an LGBT story per se, but this touching post by a birth mother seems relevant because of the large number of us with adopted children. (Thanks to Steve at Green Dads.)

This week, I want to highlight another contributed post, this time from the blog May the Beauty. The author describes herself as “a 6 feet tall, spirited, wordy, loving, coffee serving, cheese-ball. Also known as a Mother, Wife, Partner, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Cousin, Lesbian, Friend, Neighbor and Christian.”

In her post, she describes a close friend who nevertheless voted Yes on Prop 8. She, like Haley, tries to navigate the often complex intersection of belief, friendship, and family:

Look, I can’t tell you that it doesn’t bother me, because it does; and I can’t act like I’m better than you because I have a friend on “the other side,” because I’m not. In fact I’ve been rather pissy even though we all agreed to stop arguing and start acting like our friendship is worth more than our disagreement. But here’s the deal: we are asking people to take some of their most dearly held personal, spiritual beliefs and set them aside for our sake. Often these folks have had an arduous journey to faith—learning to be obedient to your maker isn’t always easy; we can all attest to that, even if the tenants of our faith conflict. We’re asking them to set aside personal history, spiritual lessons, and family mores—but we’re not asking very nicely. We call them bigots, we refuse to be their friends, and then we ask them to “treat us with respect” by voting for us to marry.

She continues about her friend:

Our friendship baffles everyone . . . including us. . . .

I do not advocate gay people going out en masse and making friends with a conservative in order to Further Our Cause. It’s often painful. Certainly frustrating. And I’m no revolutionary. . . .

Here is what I want for my family: I want us to be respectful, disciplined, loyal and fun. I want to be creative, diligent, and thrifty. I want to know how to set goals and to keep Hope light in my heart. I want my kids to know how to be incredible friends, to nurture heart of hospitality in their home, and to be faithful always to family. I want them to be able to speak openly and honestly about their spiritual experiences. I want their spirit to shine through their actions, and when people who know them open their mouths to describe them, I want them to find their hearts on their lips.

Our friends are models of many of these qualities. They’re extraordinary. This tenuous friendship will foster all of those qualities in my children, and in me. They’re inspirational folk.

So they’re not bigots, and if this were a playground, I’d fight anyone who called them names.

I’m not a advocate of putting another initiative on the ballot in 2010; I’d like to have more time . . . I have so much more to learn. I need to learn to discuss the issue respectfully with these people that I love. I want those conversations to leave us feeling connected and to foster empathy on both sides instead of leaving us anxious, separated and stewing.

It’s another extraordinary piece, and I urge you to go read the whole thing.

My opinion? Yes, there are true bigots out there in the world, and they tend to get the headlines. The great mass of people are not so easily categorized, however, and it is in those uncertainties where there is hope, and room for conversation and change. Whether a California initiative comes in 2010 or 2012, and no matter what issue may be relevant to our particular states and families, we need to start having those conversations.

In her post, she makes the surprising admission of being a regular reader of LesbianDad, a blog likely familiar to many of you. For those who don’t know Polly and her wonderful blog, Haley’s description is actually pretty accurate: “one of those crazy, liberal Californians, Berkeley graduate, feminist, Buddhist, lesbian activist. She’s also a ‘Baba’ of two children and an excellent writer and photographer. She and her wife have one of the 18,000 marriages that were upheld by the California Supreme Court last week when it also upheld Proposition 8.”

Haley observes that her reading of Polly’s blog “is likely to ilicit [sic] the same ‘duh’ response of outrage from both the LGBT and conservative reader-types, but I’m sitting squarely on the (barbed wire) fence on this whole gay marriage issue.”

In Haley’s eyes, homosexuality is a sin. At the same time, she reflects:

In this country, people aren’t required by law to believe what I believe. And, other people don’t think it’s a sin. My faith is big enough to even like a few of those people, even if I don’t agree with the complete scope of how they’ve chosen to live their lives. How do we properly deal with that in society? I know our response to sin has changed in the years since Moses codified the laws of the Israelite’s theocracy.

By reading Lesbian Dad, she says:

I see the joy LD derives from her family every day. I see the frustration she feels about her their ‘legal’ status. I see the faces of her children at museums and dance class and home. I read that she sits on their beds after they’re asleep to stare with joy and hope for their futures just like I do. But for time zones, we might be doing it at the exact same moment.

Haley writes that she has committed herself to listening, “not just to my side of the story, but to the side that might be uncomfortable. To look full on into the real ‘face’ of the gay marriage debate.”

She says she has not yet resolved the matter in her own mind, but adds the following in response to a comment I made on the post:

My sincerest first hope is to come from the place of respect regarding LGBT families. As I share where I am, I know some of my words aren’t popular ones. But, on the whole, I’m trusting your community. I’m convinced that family conservatives MUST learn to love–yes, and to LIKE–others before faith has any real relevance. To that end, dialog is good.

It is easy, in these days of rallies and ranting, to get the impression that change happens for those who shout the loudest. That sometimes works, but more often, I think, change happens in these quiet conversations. It happens in the willingness of individuals like Polly to tell their stories, and in the willingness of individuals like Haley to do that most courageous act, listen—really listen—to others. It is a slower process, but also a deeper and more secure one.

I am honored that Haley submitted her post to Blogging for LGBT Families Day, taking her chances in a potentially hostile crowd. I hope that others in the LGBT community do not berate her for her still unresolved position. We will never gain allies if we do not allow them the chance to take their own journeys and find their own answers.

Go read the whole post. My excerpts here don’t do it justice, and Haley is herself an excellent writer. She’s also more of a true Christian than many of those who profess to be.

Over the next few days, I’ll be reading through the posts and highlighting a few that catch my eye. Please leave a comment if there are some that catch yours (other than your own).

(And if you didn’t participate, but would like to, go ahead and sneak in your post. I’m a parent. Late is standard.)