The first couple, Julie Garnier and Charlene Evans, are in an article on the efforts of schools in Washington, D.C., to teach about all types of families, including ones with two moms or two dads. It’s particularly notable because the article isn’t “about” black lesbians per se; Garnier and Evans are just the couple they’ve chosen to focus on. Nice to see that white isn’t always the default, especially when recent demographic work by UCLA’s Williams Institute and others shows that a high percentage of lesbian and gay people, including parents, are in fact people of color.

The second, Jane Ladson and Pat Body, are raising Body’s great-granddaughter, and appear in an article on the struggles of some black women to help their extended families during the economic recession. The article does focus on black families—but this time, it is the fact that Ladson and Body are lesbians that is the “incidental” part of the story. The writers could have chosen an opposite-sex couple just as easily, but didn’t.

It’s great to see these intersecting images of acceptance.

(Thanks to reader Jackie for nudging me to write about these stories in a separate post, rather than waiting for my next roundup.)

The Movement Advancement Project and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) have published a series of guides “to help shape discussions with conflicted or undecided Americans.” The “Overall Approaches” guide is the best place to start, but there are also guides dealing with specific topics and aimed at specific cultural groups.

MAP and GLAAD explain, “It can often be easy to fall back on abstract jargon or angry rhetoric that can derail discussions with those who are not familiar with the issues.” Instead, the guides show ways to find common ground “and to help them understand issues of LGBT equality through the lenses of their own values and beliefs.”

Amen and pass the potatoes.

How do we help our parents as they age? For adults with non-LGBT parents, there are plenty of resources on how to help parents through the various legal, financial, and emotional issues of growing old. Search the Web or your favorite online bookstore for “aging parents,” and you’ll be swamped with results.

For adults who wish to help their LGBT parents, however, the resources are far fewer. And while many of the issues older LGBT and non-LGBT people face are the same, some are not.

Let’s not forget: LGBT parents have been choosing to have children together for over 30 years. Those who had children in previous non-LGBT relationships may have had them even before that. Those “children” now in their 30s or older have parents who, if not in their “golden years,” are at least starting to turn silver. 

Scott French, program manager for the Caring and Preparing program of Services and Advocacy for GLBT Elders (SAGE), said one of the most important things adults with LGBT parents can do is “to have conversations about making sure that your parents have a health-care proxy, a power of attorney, a living will,” and a document (called by various names) about what they want done with their bodies after death.

“These are important for everyone, but they’re really important for LGBT older adults, especially if they’re partnered,” he said. Unlike opposite-sex spouses, “there is no person who automatically gets to make those decisions” for LGBT older adults.

He also encourages people to talk with their parents about a will. Many people think they don’t need a will if they aren’t wealthy, French said, but noted, “Wills aren’t predicated on somebody who has wealth. They’re essential to be able to dictate what you want to happen to your possessions, whatever they may be.” And for people in same-sex couples, “you don’t always have the same protections, so it’s always better to have it in writing.”

Children of LGBT parents should also discuss with their parents how the finances will be distributed in the will and whose name they are in now, he said. He suggested talking with a lawyer and/or a financial planner “to ensure that if they’re partnered, the surviving partner is taken care of, because inheritance rules oftentimes don’t apply.” Pensions and other items that naturally transfer to an opposite-sex spouse may not transfer to a same-sex one, or may not do so without a financial penalty, even if they are legally married or have a civil union or domestic partnership. Attorneys and financial planners may be able to set up trusts or recommend various other strategies to protect assets and avoid taxes.

SAGE encourages people to complete the above documentation even if they are legally married or in a civil union or domestic partnership. French explained, “You never know what you might run into or if you’ll run into a service provider who isn’t aware of what the laws are.”

He noted, however, that many people “are very unprepared,” even though most of the documents are “very simple.” All except for a will “can be done without a lawyer,” although some may still need notarization.

Another big concern for the elderly is long-term care, which could include nursing homes, in-home care, or other care options with varying levels of assistance. For those with LGBT parents, French said, “I think the biggest concern is fear of discrimination.”

He suggested, “If at all possible, partner with your parents to try to find a place, and go with them on visits to places, because you both are going to want to be comfortable.”

The federally-funded National Resource Center on LGBT Aging, which SAGE manages, offers various tips on how to find LGBT-friendly care, including looking for places that advertise in LGBT publications, have LGBT people represented in their materials, or have been recommended by friends.

Children of LGBT parents may also encounter problems working with service providers if they are not the legal children of one of the parents. Single parents with non-biological/non-adoptive children should consider naming them in documents such as a power of attorney, health care proxy, living will, and the like, French said.

As for when adults should raise any of these issues with their parents, French advised, “Sooner rather than later.”

“While the initial conversation might be uncomfortable,” he said, “it’s actually much easier to have these conversations when there isn’t a crisis,” such as a heart attack or diagnosis of an illness. That way, “you aren’t then tying these things directly to mortality.”

A better approach, he said, is having an everyday conversation and asking, “I’m just wondering, do you have stuff in place, in the event that there might be an emergency down the road?”

And while LGBT parents should have their documentation in place as soon as they have children, if not before, French said, “that’s not the way it really happens” in many cases. All adults should therefore have a conversation with their parents “just to see if they have things in order.”

Additional resources to help caregivers assist LGBT elders are on the SAGE Web site, the National Resource Center on LGBT Aging, and the AARP LGBT portal (aarp.org/ pride). The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force has additional information on policy issues affecting LGBT elders.

I keep seeing bumper stickers around town with slogans like, “Proud Parent of a Middle School Honor Student,” and “Proud Parent of a Soldier.” They remind me, in this season of LGBT Pride, of how often “pride” is associated with both LGBT identity and parenting. We LGBT parents have a lot of which we can be proud, in a lot of different ways.

First, several people with LGBT parents have been in the news lately with things we can be proud of as a community. Director Mike Mills has just released his film Beginners, based on the true story of his father coming out at age 75. It stars Golden Globe Award nominee Ewan McGregor, Academy Award nominee Christopher Plummer, Mélanie Laurent of Inglourious Basterds, and Goran Visnjic of ER.

Utah college student Cara Cerise, who has a gay dad, was recently named the 2011 Utah Young Humanitarian by a panel of community leaders, receiving a $5,000 college scholarship, the largest service-based award in the state. Her volunteer activities have included leading her high school social-justice club, helping low-income HIV-positive teens in Brazil, and creating a Utah chapter of COLAGE, the national organization for people with LGBT parents, according to the Salt Lake Tribune.

Zach Wahls, a University of Iowa student with two moms, spoke eloquently at an Iowa House hearing in February against a bill to ban marriage for same-sex couples. He has since appeared on Ellen and (with his moms) MSNBC to talk about his family.

And Morehead State University basketball star Kenneth Faried is a leading prospect in the NBA draft coming up on June 23. He spoke with ESPN.com in February about the influence of his two moms, one of whom is battling lupus. “When they got married,” he said, “that showed me what commitment is all about. . . . I look at them, what they’ve been through and I think, ‘Wow. That’s amazing.’ They’re amazing to me.” He told NBA.com in March that his mom Waudda’s rebounds from bouts of lupus are what inspire him to be a star rebounder on the court.

Not all of our children will succeed in such public ways, of course—nor should we expect them to. But we can all be proud of our children for all the many concrete accomplishments of childhood, from learning to walk, to riding a bike, to passing an algebra test. We can also be proud of them for emotional accomplishments: overcoming stage fright at a piano recital, standing up to a bully, asking a date to the prom.

In those ways, we are no different from any other parents. But we may also be proud of our children for things specific to LGBT families.

Every time they introduce us to their friends, teachers, or coaches, we can be proud that they are unashamed of their families in a society that often lacks understanding and acceptance.

Many of us who have come out or transitioned after having children can be proud of them for learning to accept us afterwards.

For those of us with children who have come out as LGBT themselves, we can be proud they have the courage to be who they are despite the extra burden of dealing with the myth that LGBT parents are more likely to create LGBT kids.

And we can be proud of our children every time they speak up for their families or for LGBT people in general—but we can also be proud of them if they choose to focus their activism in other areas.

We should also be proud of our allies, such as the politicians who have introduced legislation that would give our families equal recognition and protection, and the lawyers and judges who work to make sure laws are applied fairly to all families. But we should be equally proud of the allies in our immediate communities—neighbors, teachers, coaches, clergy members, and others—who accept us, speak up for us, or make an effort to be inclusive of all families.

Finally, we should remember to be proud of ourselves as well: for sticking to our dreams of becoming parents; for fighting to retain custody or contact with our children after divorce or separation; and for expanding the definition of family to include donors, surrogates, birth parents, and others who contribute deeply to our children’s life and well being.

Sometimes, I am proud simply to have gotten the laundry done, put dinner on the table, and sat down with my son for his bedtime reading. (If my newspaper column gets written, too, so much the better.) At other times, I reflect that I am also proud to be part of a family that medically, legally, and socially might not have existed a few decades ago. And I am proud that my son seems to be thriving in it.

LGBT parents don’t have exclusive rights to pride. We share one type of pride with non-LGBT parents and another with the wider LGBT community. But we stand at an intersection that gives us a unique perspective, proud of ourselves, the LGBT community, and our children.

Happy Pride, proud parents.

(Photo credit: Strange de Jim)

My own dad has been a constant presence in our son’s life right from the beginning, always ready with a story or to step in and help us when we have male-related plumbing concerns.

Leave a comment and share a tale of a dad in your life. (And then go read this sweet reflection on dads by gay dad Ryan LaLonde.)

Good question, and one I’ve written about a few times before. In particular, Bennett looks at lesbian couples who want to include their sperm donor as a third legal parent—and in a few cases, have indeed been able to secure a “third-parent adoption.” This is, of course, not the same situation as when sperm donors suddenly want parental rights in the face of a couple’s opposition.

As two recent essay collections have shown, though, queer family structure today is many and varied. If you haven’t already, check out And Baby Makes More: Known Donors, Queer Parents, and Our Unexpected Families (about which more here) and Who’s Your Daddy?: And Other Writings on Queer Parenting (about which more here.) Note thatAnd Baby is now available in the U.S. and both are available through Amazon (Who’s Your Daddy through third-party stores).

Bennett, although he cites neither work, writes perceptively:

Whether or not multiple parentage gains wider legal and social acceptance, the fact that it’s being debated—and, in a few cases, allowed—suggests the flexibility that the concept of parenthood has taken on today, not only among scholars, but among adults doing the work of actually raising children in sometimes unorthodox situations. It’s part of a broader reexamination of what it means to have a family, a conversation that is itself only a chapter in a story that has unfolded over hundreds of years. . . .

Some of those changes remain deeply controversial, of course. And yet there are other aspects of the contemporary family that, while they would strike people of an earlier era as deeply unnatural, today go all but unremarked: the fact, for example, that it’s common for grandparents to live not with their children and grandchildren but instead hundreds of miles away. The family of the future may look similarly unfamiliar to us, and in ways we’re only beginning to discern.

It’s a great piece, and well worth a read to start your week.

I am a member of the Amazon Associates program, and get a small referral fee from all purchases made at Amazon.com via links on this site. You are under no obligation to purchase through them.

Co-editor Susan Goldberg has asked me to invite readers to the official book launch tomorrow in New York. Hope some of you can make it. (I won’t be able to, unfortunately, being far away in Massachusetts.)

Date: Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Time: 7 pm – 9:00pm
Location: Bluestockings Bookstore
172 Allen St.
New York, NY

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I’m also pleased to present a guest post from Goldberg.

It got colder — that’s where it ends…
Susan Goldberg, Mama Non Grata

Ding, dong, the fridge is dead! And long live the fridge!

Okay, it’s not quite dead, but the Eaton Viking model manufactured sometime in the early years of the Reagan Administration that has been chugging away in our kitchen since well before we moved in is slowly dying. And we are more than happy to pull the plug.

We’ve been eagerly anticipating the fridge’s demise for a while. Each time something goes awry, we call Franz, our inscrutable appliance repair guy, and I cross my fingers that he’s going to take a look, shake his head, and say, “You know, I think it might be time to say goodbye.” But he never does. Instead he tightens a hose or replaces the timing mechanism in his understated way, as I hover and ask leading questions. He never takes the bait.

“So,” I’ll say. “When, in your expert opinion, do you think we should call it quits and replace this thing?”

“That depends,” he’ll say. “But, generally, when it stops cooling things.”

It’s not quite that I need Franz’s permission to buy a new refrigerator. It’s just that it somehow feels more responsible to go purchase a major appliance “because our appliance guy told us to,” rather than “because it’s an ugly relic of the early 1980s.” I mean, take a look:

Yes, yes, I know that the newer fridges are much more energy efficient and environmentally friendly, but I just would have savoured that little nudge from Franz in the right direction. (And, why, yes: those are white melamine cupboards! They go so nicely with the flowered linoleum floor, don’t you think? But I digress.)

In any case, Rachel and I noticed a puddle of water emanating from underneath the Viking a couple of days ago and decided enough was enough. We briefly consulted Consumer Reports, measured the space, hightailed it over to Sears and picked out a new — Energy Star–rated — model in basic black, in approximately 20 minutes. Our salesperson was an odd mixture of completely not homophobic and utterly sexist: got it right away that we were a couple, asked how many kids we had at home, compared notes with us on child-rearing, but also made fun of Rachel for being “a sarcastic woman” and me for being “an opinionated woman,” while suggesting that it was a good thing we had two sons instead of two daughters — “because four women in one household — hooo boy.”

It was oddly refreshing.

So, we buy the fridge. It’s going to be delivered the first week of September. And then I mention to Rowan later that evening that the current fridge will soon be gone, to be replaced by a new one.

And he loses it.

“I don’t want the fridge to go away,” he wails. “I don’t want a new fridge. I want this fridge. I love this fridge.” Tears, shuddering sobs, snot, the whole bit. I think he might have even hugged the old Viking. It took about 20 minutes to calm him down and distract him, with promises that the current fridge would still be there when he woke up in the morning, that everything would be okay.

So, what’s with the sudden passion for the fridge? I mean, of course, he loves to stand in front of the thing with the door open while I intone like a robot about wasting energy and all, but beyond that, I’ve never known him to profess any great love for the beast. My sense is that — of course — it’s about something else.

And that something else? Just a hunch, but this: Rob is leaving soon.

If you look closely, you can just make out the face of a man in two photographs tacked up to the side of the fridge. That’s Rob, with each of the boys as babies. Rob is our cherished friend, our sperm donor, a key part of the extended family, and Rowan and Isaac’s, well, their “Rob,” who currently lives and works in a different city but who has spent the past five weeks with us, playing Chase and Cat in the Hat and Princesses and Chutes & Ladders and Pokémon and computer games with the boys, holding slumber parties and sleepovers, babysitting and hanging out and cooking and talking and eating ice cream with us and generally being a mensch.

But, summer days are slipping away. Soon, August will give way to September and school and work commitments, and Rob will have to leave.

None of us — me, Rachel, Rob — can actually talk about the upcoming goodbye. The last time Rob left, I sat with two sobbing little boys on the front steps as the car pulled out of the driveway on its way to the airport, Rachel and Rob white-faced in the front seat. The plan had been for Rowan to accompany them to the airport, but he wouldn’t get in the car, as if that might somehow delay the inevitable. But the inevitable, it has a funny way of happening in the end.

So, it’s getting colder. The fall will come, and we’ll stick old pictures on our sexy new fridge — which will, undoubtedly, chill the milk much more efficiently than its predecessor. And try not to pine too much for, uh oh, those summer nights.

I am a member of the Amazon Associates program, and get a small referral fee from all purchases made at Amazon.com via links on this site. You are under no obligation to purchase through them.

I have a full review up at Bay Windows, so you can go read it there. Bottom line: Go buy this book, along with Who’s Your Daddy?. Both are the kind of rich explorations of LGBTQ parenting we need more of today. (And despite their origins, both volumes include writers from the U.S. and Australia as well as Canada.)

You can also visit editor Susan Goldberg at her blog, Mama Non Grata, and editor Chloë Brushwood Rose at her York University faculty Web site.

Like Who’s Your Daddy?, though, the book is not yet available in the U.S. (The publisher says it’s coming next March.) It may, however, be ordered from the Canadian publisher, Insomniac Press, or Canadian online bookstores such as chapters.indigo.ca and amazon.ca. Or use it to justify that ski trip up north you’ve been wanting to take.

(And no, I’m not getting any referral fees from those links, although I do for the links to Amazon.com on this site. But the book is so good I didn’t want to keep anyone waiting for the U.S. publication. If you feel guilty, go and do some other holiday shopping at Amazon.com through this link (for which I will get a small fee) and help me justify the time I spend on Mombian.)