It Takes a Queer Village

The Canadians are on a roll. Hot on the heels of Who’s Your Daddy?, the volume of LGBTQ parenting essays I wrote about a couple of weeks ago, comes And Baby Makes More, a similar volume from a Canadian press, but one that focuses on the experiences of those who have used known donors, those who have themselves donated sperm or eggs or been a surrogate, and the children created by these acts.

I have a full review up at Bay Windows, so you can go read it there. Bottom line: Go buy this book, along with Who’s Your Daddy?. Both are the kind of rich explorations of LGBTQ parenting we need more of today. (And despite their origins, both volumes include writers from the U.S. and Australia as well as Canada.)

You can also visit editor Susan Goldberg at her blog, Mama Non Grata, and editor Chloë Brushwood Rose at her York University faculty Web site.

Like Who’s Your Daddy?, though, the book is not yet available in the U.S. (The publisher says it’s coming next March.) It may, however, be ordered from the Canadian publisher, Insomniac Press, or Canadian online bookstores such as chapters.indigo.ca and amazon.ca. Or use it to justify that ski trip up north you’ve been wanting to take.

(And no, I’m not getting any referral fees from those links, although I do for the links to Amazon.com on this site. But the book is so good I didn’t want to keep anyone waiting for the U.S. publication. If you feel guilty, go and do some other holiday shopping at Amazon.com through this link (for which I will get a small fee) and help me justify the time I spend on Mombian.)

Grandparents for Equality

Liberal grassroots group Truth and Hope created this video as part of a study about the effects of targeted marriage equality advertisements on a group of voters. You can read the Advocate post about the project to find out what both Democrats and Republicans thought—but before you do, take a minute to watch the video. It’s a wonderful piece featuring two straight grandparents talking about their gay son, his partner, and the men’s two children.

Gay Grandfather and Gay Grandson Talk with NPR

As part of NPR’s StoryCorps, a project recording conversations between loved ones, Morning Edition’s Renee Montagne spoke with Tony Perri and his 20-year-old grandson Jeffrey. Tony came out as gay after being married to Jeffrey’s grandmother for 12 years. They remained married for another five.

In the piece, he talks about confessing to a priest about being gay, coming out to his family, and his grandson. Jeffrey in turn speaks about coming out to his grandfather. It’s a wonderful snapshot of multi-generational family life. (And it’s short, so do listen.)

The Library of Congress is archiving all StoryCorps interviews.

Songs about Grandparents from Erin Lee and Marci

Children’s musicians Erin Lee and Marci bring us the next of their regular posts with thematic recommendations for kid-friendly music, plus activities to make the songs an interactive experience for the whole family.

I’ve created links to Amazon for the full albums (click the album image or name), plus links to Amazon MP3 downloads, when available, for those who want only the singles. (Click the song name.) I also have a widget after the jump that will let you preview all three songs without leaving Mombian. (I’m of the opinion that the Amazon screwup last month was indeed a screwup, but unintentional on the part of the corporation. See the statements from the Lambda Literary Foundation and prolific lesbian author and publisher Patricia Nell Warren.)

The very first children’s song Erin Lee wrote was “Grampa & Me.” We were doing a show to celebrate Grandparents’ Day, and for some strange reason almost every book, poem and song that we found featured gentle, patient, country-living, garden-growing grandparents. Now, of course, there are many wonderful grandparents out there who are just like that—but Erin Lee’s Grampa wasn’t one of them. He used to stand on his head until things fell out of his pockets, and whatever treasure fell out, she got to keep. And Marci’s Grampa used to cut her hair (not as a profession, but for fun—badly). Grandparents, just like families, come in all shapes, colors, sizes . . . and speeds. So here are some songs celebrating all sorts of Grandparents! Read the rest of this post »

Family Voices XVIII: LGBT Grandparents

Here’s the next post in my Family Voices series. This phase of the series is in partnership with Stonewall Communities, an organization dedicated to creating residential, educational, social and supportive opportunities among older LGBT people.

After you read their interview, go read the lengthy Web exclusive by Newsweek on LGBT seniors. It is an excellent piece (with a video bonus), and a worthy acknowledgment of the 30th anniversary of SAGE (Services and Advocacy for GLBT Elders), the nation’s oldest senior network. “Gay seniors confront unique challenges,” the article reports. “They’re twice as likely as straights to live alone, and 10 times less likely to have a caretaker should they fall ill.” At the same time, there are signs of progress: When SAGE holds its national conference next month, it will be sponsored for the first time by the powerful, 40-million member AARP (American Association of Retired Persons). Read the rest of this post »

Family Voices XVII: LGBT Grandparents

Here’s the next post in my Family Voices series. This phase of the series is in partnership with Stonewall Communities, an organization dedicated to creating residential, educational, social and supportive opportunities among older LGBT people. I’ll be posting the stories of LGBT grandparents (and the occasional grandaunt/uncle) once a week for the next few weeks.

Sarah describes herself as a “long time out lesbian feminist activist.” She and her partner have 11 grandchildren between them, including two who are of mixed race, making them a diverse family in more than one sense. Enjoy her story. Read the rest of this post »

Family Voices XVII: LGBT Grandparents

I’m very pleased today to bring you a new wave of posts in my Family Voices series, in partnership with Stonewall Communities. Stonewall Communities is an organization dedicated to creating residential, educational, social and supportive opportunities among older LGBT people.

Karen, the first interviewee, lies in Canada with an extended family across many time zones. She discusses being a gender variant parent and the social changes she’s seen since she was born in 1948, the year the California Supreme Court struck down the law prohibiting interracial marriage. She talks about male role models for her son, how being a grandparent differs from being a parent, and the influence of her own grandmother on her life. Enjoy her story.

Tell us a little about your family. Who is in your immediate family? Do you live together, nearby, far apart? Did you have to come out to them, or has your orientation/identity always been a part of their lives? Anything else you’d like to share about yourselves?

Our family consists of relatives by blood or marriage, and others whom we have acquired, or they acquired us over time. Family by genetics or marriage include: our daughter, son-in-law, and grandson; our son, daughter-in-law, and two grandsons and one grand-daughter, aunts, uncles, cousins, and our nieces and nephews, and my 93-year-old mother-in-law. Pam and I live in Alberta, while our daughter’s family lives two time zones east in Ottawa, and our son’s family lives in Anchorage, Alaska, two time zones west. Meanwhile many relatives live in Los Angeles, one time zone west, and far south of us. We have built an extended family here in town consisting of married couples (mostly guys, but a few lesbian couples as well), in addition to other couples who aren’t married but have been together for many years, some for more than 22 years.

Coming out to my wife’s family wasn’t as difficult as anticipated because I was not a stranger to them, having been involved in their lives since I was 15 years old. My mother-in-law shrugged her shoulders and said it explained my good taste in clothes. My now deceased father-in-law (bless his soul) said he didn’t judge anyone unfairly. For most people it didn’t seem to matter as long as my wife and I were both OK. Everyone of consequence offered support. Read the rest of this post »

Happy Grandparents’ Day!

It’s Grandparents’ Day today in the U.S., a lesser-known holiday than its non-grand counterparts, but a reason to celebrate nonetheless. Here’s to our own son’s grandparents, who have been a supportive and happy influence on his life and ours. Parenting is largely about on-the-job training, and it’s nice to know there are trustworthy people we can turn to who have been there before (even if we also sometimes disagree completely with their opinions). My mom was even kind (or brave) enough to share some thoughts on grandparenting for one of our video blogs.

Looking at the holiday from another angle, let me point again to an article I mentioned a couple of weeks ago by Alice Fisher and Michael Connolly of the Stonewall Communities Lifelong Learning Institute. They ran a course last year for LGBT grandparents, and wrote up their experiences for this month’s The Older LEARNer, a publication of the American Society on Aging. They discuss the changing role of grandparents in today’s society as well as particular issues for LGBT grandparents. One of the more general observations they make is:

Families today are far-flung and smaller; both parents are often employed. This puts pressure on the grandparenting relationship. It has been said that grandparents are like the National Guard—called upon in times of stress. Our own grandparents were not much involved in babysitting, nor were our parents for our children. But now “babysitter” and “substitute parent” are established grandparent roles, along with “spoiler” and “mentor.” This change in expectations may catch us unprepared. Our children may make assumptions about our grandparenting roles without discussing them with us. What if the role we consider natural does not match what our kids are hoping for?

Let’s hear your opinions, readers. What roles do grandparents play in your children’s lives or what roles do you play as a grandparent? Is it what you expected? Is it the same as the role of your own grandparents in your life? If you don’t have children, feel free to offer thoughts or memories about your own grandparents or what think your parents’ role might be as grandparents.

I’ll be bringing you more voices of LGBT grandparents in the coming weeks, in cooperation with Stonewall Communities, as part of my Family Voices series.

Coming Out as LGBT Grandparents

With increasing coverage of LGBT parents in the media today, it is surprising LGBT grandparents are still largely invisible. I suspect this has much to do with the frequent media focus on lesbian couples with cute little tots or funny stories about finding sperm, or, for occasional variety, gay men searching for surrogates. The idea that LGBT people have been having kids long enough to become grandparents is foreign to most people, as is the concept of anyone coming out after having kids.

Alice Fisher and Michael Connolly of the Stonewall Communities Lifelong Learning Institute, the first LGBT LLI in the world, hope to change that. They ran a course in 2007 for LGBT grandparents, and wrote up their experiences for this month’s The Older LEARNer, a publication of the American Society on Aging. They discuss the changing role of grandparents in today’s society as well as particular issues for LGBT grandparents. One positive excerpt:

For the most part, we have not found the issue of how and when to come out to grandchildren to be a big issue for the youngest generation. We are open and low-key. . . . Grandchildren help choose—or invent—terms of endearment for the nonbiological grandparent. Can grandchildren keep track of five or seven grandparents? Yes, we found. Better than we can.

It’s a good article on a topic that deserves more recognition. I’ll be bringing you more voices of LGBT grandparents, in cooperation with Stonewall Communities, in the coming weeks. Stay tuned.

New Free Donor Registry

There’s a new online registry for donor-conceived children, their parents, and sperm, egg, or embryo donors to find each other. Donor Offspring Matches (DOM) has just launched as an alternative to the older Donor Sibling Registry (DSR). DOM has one advantage over DSR, though: it is free, whereas DSR charges $40 per year. Is this a worthwhile bargain? It remains to be seen.

DOM, brand new, doesn’t not have the track record nor the member base of DSR. I noticed that it makes members’ e-mail addresses available to the public, whereas DSR limits such information to registered members, and it does not yet have a stated privacy policy on its site. I therefore wrote to its founder, Rosanna, to ask about the service. She says that for technical reasons, the site went public and word spread before some pieces, like the privacy policy, were in place. She also claims the public e-mail addresses are by user request, although that may change in the future. She adds that DOM will never share any information other than what members make public, and will not sell or share it with third parties. Below is her full e-mail to me, republished with permission.

For the moment, this is neither a recommendation for nor against DOM, merely information. If DOM proves itself reliable, builds its member base, and expands the range of options available to parents, donors, and their offspring, however, then it could become a welcome addition to this community. As always, investigate all such services thoroughly, and consider what finding a match (or not finding one) will mean to you and your family. Read the rest of this post »