I’ve taken a look, and while there is much to praise, there are also a few obvious gaps, particularly around gender identity and transgender issues. 

The section on gay and lesbian parents is short—just over three pages—but reassuring and positive. It is about half aimed at lesbian and gay parents, and about half aimed at straight ones. For gay and lesbian parents, it offers basic advice like needing to consult with a lawyer, but mostly refers people to further resources in the Guide at the end of the book. For straight parents, it addresses the fear that it will be “confusing” to their children to learn about same-sex parents. “I think the answer is simply no,” the book (now revised by Dr. Robert Needlman) tells us. “Children are remarkably able to accept plain facts when they are presented plainly.”

Bravo—and even more so for the following paragraph, which explains that children may be confused if they are taught homosexuality is wrong, but then meet parents who are nice and have great kids—and are gay or lesbian. It also notes that the existence of gay and lesbian families gives parents the opportunity to teach about different types of families, tolerance, and acceptance. The book also offers a short section to help parents support their teen if they suspect the teen might be gay or lesbian.

Where it fails, however, is in discussing gender identity, and not only because there is no mention of transgender parents or how parents might approach that topic with children. It dances around the issue of children who may be transgender.

It rightly says children should be allowed to play with toys aimed at any gender, and notes that does not determine gender identity. It also notes that some children may consistently express that they want to be the other gender, and that a psychiatrist or psychologist might diagnose “gender identity disorder (GID).” But it then simply notes that “Many children with GID do grow up to be homosexual; many do not.” True; but some people who have been diagnosed with GID also grow up to be transgender, and the book makes no note of that. (And the fact is, GID is itself a problematic term. The American Psychiatric Association may soon replace it with “Gender Dysphoria.”)

With organizations such as Gender Spectrum offering numerous resources for parents with gender variant and transgender children, there’s no excuse not to include at least a reference to them. It’s great to see the book explicitly include gay and lesbian parents, but let’s hope the 10th edition is even more inclusive.

I am a member of the Amazon Associates program, and get a small referral fee from all purchases made at Amazon.com via links on this site. You are under no obligation to purchase through them.

Nanette Gartrell

New results from the U.S. National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study (NLLFS), the longest-running and largest study of American lesbian families, show that the quality of life—a measure of positive psychological adjustment—of 17-year-olds raised by lesbian moms did not differ from those who grew up with heterosexual parents.

The study took 78 17-year-olds from the NLLFS—all of whom have lesbian mothers—and matched them based on gender, age, parental education, and ethnic background with 78 17-year-olds who have opposite-sex parents. All were scored based on their responses to statements like, “I feel I’m getting along with my parents/guardians,” “I look forward to the future,” and ”I feel good about myself.” The result? Both groups “responded generally in the same way.”

The study also found that teens with lesbian mothers had no difference in quality of life based on known vs. unknown donors or on whether their mothers were still together or had separated. (The study, which began in 1986, limited itself to families conceiving through donor insemination.)

Additionally, it found that although nearly half of the NLLFS adolescents said they had been teased, excluded from activities, or stereotyped as being different, particularly by classmates, as a result of having a lesbian mother, this was not associated with a lesser quality of life. The researchers say, “The relationship between stigmatization and quality of life may have been mediated by the adolescents’ close, positive relationships with their lesbian mothers.”

Previous studies from the NLLFS have found that the teens “demonstrate significantly higher social competence” and “significantly lower total problem behavior [than the standard population],” as Dr. Nanette Gartrell, the lead investigator, explained to me in an interview a few years ago. In a paper published in 2010, Gartrell and co-investigator Dr. Henny Bos found the teens “were rated higher than their peers in social, academic, and overall competence, and lower in aggressive behavior, rule-breaking, and social problems, on standardized assessments of psychological adjustment.”

Additionally, a previous study found that among the 78 children in the NLLFS, none report having ever been physically or sexually abused by a parent or other caregiver. This contrasts with 26 percent of American adolescents who report parent or caregiver physical abuse and 8.3 percent who report sexual abuse.

The new study appears in the peer-reviewed Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics. Full press release below.

The quality of life of 17-year-olds reared in lesbian-parent families did not differ from that of a matched group of adolescents who grew up in heterosexual-parent families, according to a new study published in the Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics.   “Consistently, over the past three decades, researchers have found that the daughters and sons of same-sex parents are psychologically well-adjusted. And now our new data demonstrate that 17-year-olds raised from birth by lesbian mothers are as happy as their peers,” said lead author Loes van Gelderen, MSc, University of Amsterdam.

The study also found, among teens with lesbian mothers, no difference in quality of life based on donor status (whether they had been conceived by known or unknown donors), experienced stigmatization (whether or not they had experienced discrimination), or maternal relationship continuity (whether their mothers were still together or had separated). “The favorable outcomes for these adolescents are a reflection of good parenting by mothers who prepared their daughters and sons for the prospect of adversity,” said Principal Investigator Nanette Gartrell, MD, of the Williams Institute.

In the study, Quality of Life of Adolescents Raised From Birth by Lesbian Mothers, 78 17-year-olds with lesbian mothers were matched on gender, age, parental education, and ethnic background with adolescents in heterosexual-parent families that were drawn from a representative statewide sample.  The adolescents in both groups gave a numerical score (0 = minimum; 10= maximum) to each of a series of statements such as, “I feel I’m getting along with my parents/guardians,” “I look forward to the future,” and ”I feel good about myself.” The adolescents with lesbian mothers responded generally in the same way as the teenagers with heterosexual parents.

The data in the new report comes from adolescents whose families are participants in the National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study (NLLFS), the longest-running and largest prospective investigation of lesbian mothers and their children in the United States. Initiated by Nanette Gartrell, MD, in 1986, the NLLFS examines the social, psychological, and emotional development of the children as well as the dynamics of planned lesbian families.

This study was conducted by Loes van Gelderen, MSc. (University of Amsterdam), Henny Bos, PhD (University of Amsterdam; Williams Visiting International Scholar 2012), Nanette Gartrell, MD (University of Amsterdam; 2011-12 Williams Institute Visiting Distinguished Scholar ), Jo Hermanns, PhD (University of Amsterdam), and Ellen C. Perrin, MD (Floating Hospital, Tufts Medical Center, Boston, MA).

For more information about this study, please see Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics. 33 (1): 1-7.

For more information about the NLLFS, visit www.nllfs.org.

One additional resource is the “Rainbow Spectrum” Yahoo group for LGBT parents with children on the autism spectrum. If you know of any others, please leave a comment!

Here’s the blurb from their Web site: 

Images of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) youth, more and more, are regular images in our media and current pop culture. Young people are developing an understanding and awareness of their sexual orientation and gender identity at increasingly younger ages. As a result, youth and their families face a unique set of challenges navigating childhood and adolescence. This workshop aims to explore:

• The nature of sexual orientation and gender identity ranging from early childhood to adolescence
• Disparities faced by LGBT youth in school systems and their larger communities
• Recommendations for how to create “safe spaces” where youth can explore their sexual orientation and gender identity and LGBT identified youth can find support.

Webinars are free to NAMC members and $20 for non-members. Membership is $35, so you might check their list of upcoming Webinars to see if membership is worthwhile for you or any friends/colleagues who may be interested.

(On a related note, here’s a free helpful hint to NAMC: Rename your “How To Parent Together: Do Moms & Dads Have to Agree?” Webinar to “How To Parent Together: Do Parents Have to Agree?” (Or “Do Parenting Partners Have to Agree?”). The descriptive text about that Webinar is gender-neutral, using the terms “parents” and “partners,” which is great—but you’ll get very few LGBT parents even looking at the description with a title like that.)

Iowa college student Zach Wahls, in his twice-viral video, famously said, “The sexual orientation of my parents has had zero impact on the content of my character.” And a University of Virginia study last year concluded what many other studies have found: “Regardless of their parents’ sexual orientation, how well children were adjusted was significantly associated with how warmly their parents were oriented to them.”

But Ashley Harness at Velvet Park Media raises the question of whether a gay sexual orientation can actually have an impact—a positive one—on the character of one’s children. She imagines a homeless transgender youth adopted by a gay couple. Imagine, she writes, if this girl did a YouTube video:

She says she learned from her adoptive gay parents that love is something you spread around in excess. You color with love outside the lines that a heterosexist, racist, transphobic, classist world prescribes. She practices BEING love in the world—and people notice and ask her why.

She says it’s because she has gay parents.

Harness makes an excellent point. I’ve always urged caution when interpreting research results indicating that LGBT parents are “better” in some way. At best, we can say that there are certain areas in which, on average (but not exclusively), we tend to have strengths. But if those strengths help build our children’s characters, to Harness’ point, then we should acknowledge and celebrate that.

Harness also raises the question of whether Wahls’ video would have had the same impact had he been gay. She herself is a lesbian with lesbian moms. She had been an outspoken advocate for LGBT equality, but when she came out, she said, “I promptly stopped talking publicly about being the kid of gay parents. Nobody outright told me, but I wasn’t a politically savvy messenger for the movement anymore. I had become proof of the Religious Right’s propaganda—gayness rubs off. Gay parents make gay children.”

That right-wing view is, of course, utter nonsense. Some LGBT parents will have LGBT children, because statistically, that’s going to happen. No parent can “make” a child into a particular sexual orientation (or gender identity). The best we can do is support them in being themselves.

Harness also says that while she admires Wahls, she hopes our movement embraces a greater diversity of spokespeople, including LGBT children of LGBT parents. Even Wahls seems to feel the same way. In a piece for The Daily Beast this week, he writes that he has stopped answering questions about his own sexual orientation: “If the only question you have after listening to me defend my family is about my sexuality, I’m afraid you’ve missed my point. Whether I’m gay, straight, or bisexual, tall or short, male or female, white or black, successful go-getter or slacker, is entirely immaterial.”

My take on all this? A parent’s sexual orientation does not prescribe a child’s sexual orientation, nor does the parent’s sexual orientation in itself determine the child’s character. But living with honesty and integrity towards oneself and others, in the face of discrimination and adversity from society, takes tremendous strength of character. That’s a lesson LGBT parents can convey to our children that will definitely have a positive impact.

Here are details about the show and two of its featured guests, via a press release:

On Wednesday, November 16, Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show, Anderson, will focus on transgender children – children whose gender behavior, expression, or identity does not comport with their biological gender – and their families.  The episode will feature Diane Ehrensaft, PhD, a developmental psychologist and one of the nation’s leading experts on parenting of transgender and gender-nonconforming children. Dr. Ehrensaft’s appearance coincides with the release of her new book, Gender Made, Gender Born.  Ehrensaft serves on the Board of Gender Spectrum (www.genderspectrum.org), a national organization offering educational, training and advocacy services to promote acceptance for transgender and gender-nonconforming children.

The episode will also feature Tammy Lobel and her family, who were also subjects of a recent CNN.com article.  Tammy is an 11-year-old girl who was born as Tommy, and began identifying as a girl at age 3.  Her parents, Debra Lobel and Pauline Moreno, are Gender Spectrum allies. 

Dr. Ehrensaft’s research and writing focus on the areas of child development, gender, parenting, parent-child relationships, and psychological issues for families using assisted reproductive technology.  She has a clinical practice in Oakland, California. Her areas of specialization include: families using assisted reproductive technology; gender nonconforming and transgender children; divorce and custody issues; children with developmental problems; and parenting. Dr. Ehrensaft is also a founding member of the developing Children and Youth Gender Clinic, a partnership between the University of California San Francisco and community agencies to provide comprehensive interdisciplinary services and advocacy to gender nonconforming/ transgender children and youth and their families.

In Gender Born, Gender Made: Raising Healthy Gender-Nonconforming Children (The Experiment, dist. by Workman Publishing/Pub date: May 31, 2011/$16.95), Dr. Ehrensaft presents a pioneering resource for parents whose children live outside preconceived gender norms and for professionals working with those families.

Emphasizing that we do not make gender-nonconforming children, they come to us, Dr. Ehrensaft offers parents, clinicians, and educators guidance on both the philosophical dilemmas and the practical, daily concerns of working with children who don’t fit a “typical” gender mold. Dr. Ehrensaft draws on her experience as both a psychologist and as a mother of a gender-nonconforming child—experience which extends over three decades. In Gender Born, Gender Made, she carefully considers outmoded approaches to gender nonconformity that may harm more than help, and offers a new framework for helping each child become his or her own unique, most gender-authentic person.

I was recently asked by a mainstream journalist: “Are you worried about providing male role models for your son?”

I answered, as I always do to the question, “No.” It’s not that I don’t want him to have male role models; it’s just that I’m not worried about it. I think that very often, when the media asks that question, they are ignoring the realities not only of same-sex and single parents’ lives, but also of children’s lives in general.

A few weeks ago, for example, I went to a department store with my eight-year-old son to buy him a dress shirt for his piano recital. It wasn’t a super-fancy affair, but I wanted him to wear something a little nicer than his usual Lego Star Wars t-shirt. I was envisioning a plain white button-down shirt and khakis.

To my surprise, he made a beeline for the tie rack, insisting that he wanted to wear a tie, too. He pulled off a spiffy bright blue one with a thin diamond pattern in green, and then told me he preferred a light blue shirt to go with it.

After that—and even more surprising—he said he wanted to get a pocket square as well. I reeled from his sartorial vision. He’s rarely seen any of his close male relatives in suits (we’re a casual bunch), and not one of them has ever worn a pocket square. (Neither have my spouse or I, for that matter—we’re just not that butch.) Somehow, though, my son had created an image in his mind of what a well-dressed man should wear, and was pursuing it.

His conception of how to dress like a man is therefore clearly influenced by far more than just the men to whom he is closest. And even children with opposite-sex parents are influenced by more than just their parents, no matter how primary the parents’ influence may be.

The incident got me thinking further about the whole issue of gendered role models. I think there are three essential points many non-LGBT people miss when they inquire about this issue.First, most lesbian moms don’t live in feminist communes with nary a man in sight. Fact is, most of us have fathers, brothers, donors, or other men who are close to us in our families—not to mention coaches, teachers, clergy members, fathers of our children’s friends, and other respectable people of the male variety (whether cisgender or transgender) in our communities. And many of the lesbian moms I know make an extra effort to reach out to them. The same is true in reverse for gay dads seeking female role models for their children.

Second, it’s hard to talk about gendered role models without getting into clichéd gender stereotypes. Many butch lesbian moms exude more masculinity than a lot of the men I know—but even I, a middle-of-the-road kind of gal, can still teach my son to throw a ball, shoot an arrow, swing a hammer, and other such “manly” things. (The Dangerous Book for Boys, a tome of adventurous activities for tween and teen boys that came out a few years ago, reads like a chronicle of much of my own childhood.)

Yes, it’s just as biased to assume all lesbians have such masculine interests (or that gay men have feminine ones), but nor should we assume the opposite—that children without a male parent will learn no “masculine” skills at home. Such assumptions also insult straight moms who coach sports, or straight dads who teach their children to sew.

If we leave aside stereotypes, however, I will agree it is important for my son to have role models of people who identify as male—not because of any old-fashioned beliefs about men’s interests and roles vs. women’s—but because I believe there’s a resonance when a child sees a person who identifies the same way he or she does. I think it is important for my son to have male role models, in the same way it is important to have LGBT-headed families appear in books and media. It’s reassuring to see that part of oneself reflected in a positive way.

That doesn’t mean those role models need to adhere to any particular definition of what it means to “be a man.” It’s probably even better if they don’t—that way, my son can find his own way of being and his own position on the spectrum of masculinity.

Lastly, when the media asks about role models of the opposite gender, it seems they are really going after the heart of the argument over whether same-sex couples—or single parents of any orientation—should be parents. The question seems to imply “Don’t you worry that you’re lacking an essential component for raising a child?”

Fact is, almost every parent and parenting couple, LGBT and not, lacks something they will need to raise their child. A non-athletic couple could be raising a child with a talent for soccer; someone who is tone deaf might be raising a child who wants to become a professional pianist. We will all likely do the same thing, and look to friends and community for advice and role models. It does take the proverbial village to raise a child, and in this, LGBT and non-LGBT parents are very much alike.

So I don’t worry about needing male role models for my son, although I want and welcome them. Maybe I’ll buy them all pocket squares as a gift. I hear they’re a hot accessory for men these days.

The two eight-year-old girls said that meeting each other was like a dream come true. They both had similar interests—gymnastics, dance, singing, and songwriting—and similar styles in hair and clothing. Not only that, but for each of them, it was the first time they had met another child who knew what it was like to be a girl born with a boy’s body.

They met at the Gender Spectrum Family Conference, now in its fifth year of supporting families that have gender variant, gender non-conforming, and transgender children. Stephanie Brill, executive director and founder of the Gender Spectrum organization behind the conference, related the story of the two girls as but one example of the impact the event has had. “Each of their parents said it was miraculous going home, that [the children’s] self-esteem was so high, and it did carry them through the year,” she said.

Gender Spectrum grew out of a support group Brill started at Children’s Hospital Oakland in California. The immediate interest made her realize the “huge need” for such resources. She envisioned a national conference “where educators, medical providers, mental health care providers—and of course families—could come together for support” and for current information and best practices.

Now hundreds of families and individuals—from a variety of religions, classes, geographic areas, and racial and ethnic backgrounds—attend the conference each year, many on full scholarships from the organization. 

For the youngest children, there is a Kids Camp of all-day play. The conference also offers separate youth programming for 9- to 12-year-olds, 13- to 15-year-olds, and 16- to 18-year-olds. The youth have “both the opportunity to interact with gender or to stay off the gender topic, wherever their comfort zone is,” said Brill.

Programming for adults includes workshops on the legal rights of children in schools, sports, and other activities; creating safe and welcoming spaces in schools; medical concerns; and reconciling gender non-conformity with one’s faith.

There is also a day-long workshop for medical, mental health, education, and human service professionals.

But the conference is an emotional as well as an intellectual experience. “There’s a lot of struggle at the conference, a lot of pain and emotion. There’s a lot of realization and celebration,” Brill said.

Brill explained, “Frequently parents will come to us at the end of their rope, saying, ‘I’ve tried everything to change my child, and it isn’t working.’” They may be afraid that their child will be teased or bullied, or frustrated that the child is refusing to obey rules they have established.

On the other hand, she has found, ultra-liberal parents may sometimes jump too quickly to the conclusion that their child is transgender, when the child might be at another point along the spectrum.

And LGBT parents, she said, although they may already have an understanding of gender issues, may also feel additional pressure from a society that already looks to see if we are pushing an “LGBT agenda” on our children.

“One of the profound experiences” that parents have at the conference, Brill said, is realizing that for an entire weekend, they don’t have to be defensive or worried about their children, or concerned about their own responses. They know the other parents there are going through the same thing.

For the children and youth, she said, “The conference gives them a lifeline.”

Jane Smith (not her real name), who has attended every Gender Spectrum conference with her own transgender girl (now 10 years old), agreed, saying the conference is “a place of freedom” for her child and has been “life changing.”

Smith noted that her family is gaining different things from Gender Spectrum as the years go by. At the beginning, she said, it was important for her and her spouse to go to the workshops and learn the content, “but also to meet other families, and for our kid to . . . be around all these different kids who were in different places and see that she wasn’t the only person.” Now, they are attending with an eye to the challenges they will face as their child enters middle school and approaches puberty.

They also want to support their younger daughter, now three. “She’s going to grow up with this really different basis of definition [of gender],” Smith said. “I’ll be happy to have the conference for her as a sibling, to have the support of other siblings and to normalize it for her.”

All of the children’s and youth programming is open to siblings as well, and all the kids are mixed together, gender variant and not. Smith observed, “You don’t know who’s who. It doesn’t matter who’s who. I love that.”

She advised other parents, “You don’t have to jump to find any kind of label for your kid, even if you realize it’s not a phase. . . . The best thing you can do for them is let them be who they are and follow them where that goes.”

And if that is sometimes difficult in everyday life, Brill said that at the conference “You don’t have to worry about anybody else’s perception.” It is “a place where you can breathe easy.”

The Gender Spectrum Family Conference ran July 29 to August 1 in Berkeley, California. Gender Spectrum also offers phone-in and in-person events throughout the year. Visit genderspectrum.org for details.

The 2011 Gender Spectrum Family Conference in Berkeley, July 29-August 1, will bring together youth, families and professionals for a weekend of support, learning and celebration of transgender and gender creative young people. The weekend is a transformative experience for all involved.  We’ll have more than 30 workshops for adults, Kids Camp for ages 5-8, a brand new Tween Program for children ages 9-11, and our fabulous Teen Program.

REGISTER NOW for The 2011 Family Conference or The 2011 Professionals’ Workshop

For more info visit: www.genderspectrum.org, or contact us at info@genderspectrum.org, (510) 567-3977.

Rhodes explains the extra criticisms she and her partner have faced—speculation that their daughter’s penchant for boys’ clothes and haircuts is because of a missing father figure, or because the moms are trying to “make” her gay. “I know from the very depths of my soul that this child is who she is, and that Em and I are not driving her to be something she isn’t,” Rhodes says—but then asks, ”So why did I care what people thought?”

Go read the full post for her answer and insights. She’s not the first person to note the extra stress of LGBT parents with LGBT or gender variant children—or the stress that myths about LGBT parents place on those children when coming out. Abigail Garner, for example, in her book Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is, devotes a whole chapter to such “second-generation” children and their stories. Rhodes’ post is, however, a welcome addition to the conversation.

I am a member of the Amazon Associates program, and get a small referral fee from all purchases made at Amazon.com via links on this site. You are under no obligation to purchase through them.