But I want to give a big shout out to all of the bloggers I met there, especially ones I’ve known virtually or read for some time, including Vikki of Up Popped a Fox, Shannon of Peter’s Cross Station, Deborah of Peaches and Coconuts, Riese of Autostraddle, Autumn of Pam’s House Blend, Elisa of Mother Talkers, Gloria Pan of Moms Clean Air Force and Moms Rising, and of course Polly of LesbianDad, who is also Director of Conference Programming at BlogHer. (If I’ve left you out, apologies! It wasn’t intentional.)

Finally, a special thank you to my fellow panelists and our moderator, Ana Flores of Spanglish Baby, Tracey Friley of One Brown Girl, and Deb Rox of 3 Smart Girlz and Deb on the Rocks.

If any of you want to read through the live blog of our panel, “Minding Your Own Business – When diversity is simply good business,” it’s here. I’m completely impressed that the liveblogger was able to capture so much. I certainly can’t type that fast.

Overall, it was a weekend of connection and inspiration, full of talented, intelligent, yet (as far as I could tell) down-to-earth women (and a few men), not all of whom wanted the same thing from blogging or approached it the same way. Great stuff.

Next year in New York, ladies!

The diligent demographers at the Williams Institute of UCLA are doing the analysis; they have yet to release breakdowns by gender, race, age, or any other characteristics, but I would guess that that will be forthcoming.

I’ve deliberately avoided linking to an article that cites this data but uses the phrase “gayby boom.” The term “gayby boom” dates back to at least 1990—over 20 years ago.

That means gay parents are no longer a demographic “boom.” We’re more like cosmic background radiation after the Big Boom (Bang): persistent, and spread almost evenly in all directions.

According to KOB Eyewitness News 4, when the girl wrote an essay about her moms getting married in Iowa, the teacher “said that it was disgusting and that people didn’t need to know about it.” The couple’s attorney also said the teacher refused to shake hands with the girl’s “stepmother” (unclear if that’s how the nonbiological mother really identifies herself, or if that is the news channel’s term), and didn’t allow her to take part in volunteer parent activities.

The girl also seems to have been bullied by classmates, but it is unclear to me if that was because she has two moms or for some other reason. The teacher appears to have been less than sympathetic to the girl, in any case.

The Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) has long documented instances of children of LGBT parents being harassed in schools (in addition, of course, to their extensive work on the bullying of LGBT students, regardless of parentage). In a 2008 report, they found that “nearly a quarter (22%) of students [with LGBT parents] said that a teacher, principal or other school staff person had discouraged them from talking about their family at school. . . . Furthermore, 28% said they heard teachers or other school staff make negative comments about LGBT families.”

As I wrote myself back in 2007, the many lawsuits that have been brought to try and restrict LGBT-inclusive materials and discussions in the curriculum ignore the fact that even if such materials are banned, children of LGBT parents (not to mention LGBT children themselves, as they grow into awareness) will be talking and writing about themselves and their families. Ultimately, limiting the discussion of “homosexuality” in schools means not only restricting the curriculum, but also limiting the free speech rights of many children. At the very least, curriculum bans will make it unclear to many teachers whether such talk should be allowed. And regardless of curriculum bans, there will still be teachers who will try to restrict such speech because of their personal beliefs—in which case, the school board or higher authority needs to make policy very clear.

I don’t know enough about the Albuquerque case to say anything definitive about their claim—but it’s still a sad statement that it sounds like it could be legitimate.

Rainbow Bibliography Helps Librarians Help LGBTQ Youth

With all the recent media attention about the need to support LGBTQ youth, it is notable that the American Library Association (ALA) is in its fourth year of giving librarians the tools to do just that.

The ALA on January 15 published its fourth annual Rainbow Bibliography, a selective but wide-ranging list of recommended LGBTQ-inclusive books for readers under 18. Five days earlier, it bestowed the first-ever Stonewall Children’s and Young Adult Literature Awards to honor the very top titles in the field.

Wisconsin high school librarian Lynn Evarts, who chairs the committee that chooses the Bibliography, says the list is especially important for librarians who may be challenged if they put LGBTQ-inclusive books on their shelves. If that happens, she said, “you can whip this list out and say, ‘Look, this ALA committee said this was a recommended title. Back off, buddy.’ As a librarian in the school, I like to have that to support me.”

The 31 titles on the list are a mix of styles and genres, including graphic novels, a photo essay, and celebrity biographies, as well as more traditional fiction and non-fiction works.

Evarts observed that LGBTQ content is often only part of the stories, indicating that such content is “becoming more normalized.” It is still important to have books where being LGBTQ is the central character’s focus, she noted, but added that “Some students won’t pick up a book if it’s identified as a “gay book.” Having kids simply meet LGBTQ characters in books that are not defined by their gay content, “gets those characters in more kids’ hands.”

The big gap this year is in books for younger readers. The only two on the list are Dogs Don’t Do Ballet, by Anna Kemp, one of the Bibliography’s Top Ten Titles, and Tutus Aren’t My Style, by Linda Skeers. Evarts said both are what she calls “subversive gay picture books” without any overt LGBTQ content. It was a struggle to find books with clear LGBTQ content for younger readers this year, she noted. The committee considered a few others, but decided they fell short in the quality of the writing or illustrations.

Of the Top Ten books, Evarts said, “what made them stand out in almost every instance was the characterization.” Ones that she especially liked included Geraldine McCaughrean’s The Death-Defying Pepper Roux, a high-seas adventure about a young teen befriended by a cross-dressing steward named Duchesse.

She also said middle grade girls in particular will like Amy Ignatow’s humorous graphic novel The Popularity Papers. It tells the tale of two girls (one of whom has two dads) via the notebook pages they pass back and forth. “Once again,” she said, “this is a book kids are going to pick up, not really knowing that there’s gay content, but loving it regardless.”

For older readers, she says the committee “went absolutely crazy” for Wildthorn, by Jane Eagland, a historical novel about a 19th-century girl who wants to be a doctor and loves her cousin Grace, but is tricked into an insane asylum.

Another standout was Will Grayson, Will Grayson, by John Green and David Levithan, about two teens—one gay, one straight—with the same name, whose lives cross paths and whose tale ends with a high school musical.

On the nonfiction side, Evarts commended the scope and accessibility of the 15-title series The Gallup’s Modern Guide to Gay, Lesbian & Transgender Lifestyle by Mason Crest Publishers (available through the publisher), which covers topics like LGBTQ health and mental health, politics, coming out, LGBTQ characters in the media, LGBTQ people of color, LGBTQ people of faith, and LGBTQ culture around the world.

And not in the Top Ten, but worth a mention, she said, is Vivek Shrya’s self-published God Loves Hair, about an Indian-Canadian boy who loves to wear his mother’s sari and lipstick. What impressed her most, she said, was the role of religion in the book. “He goes through all week long being taunted and teased, saying to himself, ‘My god loves me the way he made me,’ and that’s what saves him.”

The ALA this year also bestowed its inaugural Stonewall Children’s and Young Adult Literature Awards as part of its famed Youth Media Awards, which include the prestigious Newbery and Caldecott medals. The winner was Brian Katcher’s Almost Perfect, about a teen boy who falls for the new girl in his small town, only to discover she was born a biological male. Also honored were Will Grayson, Will Grayson; Love Drugged, by James Klise; Freaks and Revelations, by Davida Willis Hurwin; and The Boy in the Dress, by David Walliams.

The awards and Bibliography point to the increasingly important role librarians can play in directing young people towards appropriate LGBTQ resources and support. Evarts, who has been a school librarian for 25 years, said, “I think that of all the people in the school, school librarians in particular can support any youth who seems to be struggling.” She feels that because they are not teachers or administrators, they can sometimes be “less intimidating.”

“I’ve had actual situations,” she recalled, “where I dealt with young people who didn’t know where else to go.”

She advised, “You need to have this stuff on your shelves, be you a public library, be it a school library, and you have to have it where kids can find it.”

“Kids do use them, they do look at them,” she asserted. “I think that that’s why this list is so important.”

View the full Rainbow Bibliography at rainbowlist.wordpress.com.

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In this case, however, it works. Hogwarts provides a perfect replacement setting for the original mansion of Clue—whereas, say, Harry Potter Monopoly might seem forced. The game plays mostly like the classic version, except that instead of Col. Mustard doing it in the drawing room with a lead pipe, Draco Malfoy does it in the Owlery with an Impedimenta curse. Or Bellatrix Lestrange does it in the Divination Classroom with a Sleeping Draught. You get the idea.

There are also a few changes to gameplay that will keep things fresh for fans of the original. Four turning wheels under the gameboard change the hidden passages that lead from room to room, and cause some doorways to close unless a player has an Alohomora spell card. The wheels and a special die may also reveal the Dark Mark, which can cause players to lose House Points unless they have cards showing the proper allies or counter-curses. Lose all your House Points and you’re out of the game. All told, it’s a more dynamic game than the earlier one.

While we love us some newer strategy games like The Settlers of Catan and Dominion, there’s always room for the classics, especially a well done update.

What games are you and your family playing this season?

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Sperm donors are in. The upcoming feature film The Kids Are All Right stars Annette Bening and Julianne Moore as lesbian moms whose children go in search of their donor. The new memoir Three Wishes is by three straight women who each almost—but not quite—used the same vial of donated sperm, but then passed it on to a friend. The New York Times reviewed Three Wishes (5/23/2010), in its Fashion and Style section, from which I can only conclude that sperm donors are the new “must-have” fashion accessory.

The NYT article also pointed out two other new movies involving straight women and sperm donors: The Back-Up Plan, starring Jennifer Lopez, released in April, and The Switch, starring Jennifer Aniston, due out in August. The original title of The Switch was The Baster. One can only wonder why they changed the name: Too obscure? Too lesbian-associated?

That brings us to a key observation. Assisted reproduction using a sperm donor has long been associated almost exclusively with lesbians. The search for a sperm donor has been a staple of lesbian portrayals on television. Witness NYPD Blue’s Abby Sullivan, the short-lived Cashmere Mafia’s Caitlin and Alicia, Melanie and Lindsay of Queer As Folk, Bette and Tina of The L Word, Ellen DeGeneres and Sharon Stone’s couple in If These Wall Could Talk 2, Chris and Kris of LOGO’s sitcom Exes and Ohs, and Dana and Kirsten of the same network’s Rick and Steve.

Why this fascination with sperm donors? We lesbians create our families in other ways, too. Some of us have children from previous relationships; some of us adopt. My partner and I used a donor ourselves—but while deciding which one to use was an intense process, it soon paled next to the other concerns of parenthood.

My best guess as to why the media focuses on sperm donors is that to many people, they represent the major obvious difference between lesbian families and straight ones. Yes, there are significant legal differences, but that gets into a political realm that dramas and sitcoms have been loath to touch. To focus on everyday parenting, where same-sex couples and straight ones are really not all that different, would seem to remove any media interest in showing lesbian parents as opposed to straight ones.

With several new movies about straight women and donors, however, turkey basters may no longer be the symbol of lesbian motherhood they once were. That’s not a bad thing. Modern families, LGBT and not, are created in a multiplicity of ways, and the more we can show that, the less strange LGBT families will seem.

Some have recognized this connection before. Louise Sloan, in her 2007 guide, Knock Yourself Up, offers advice to both lesbian and straight single moms by choice. Sloan herself is a single mom by choice—and a lesbian—but she has written one of the only parenting books that speaks to both straight and lesbian women in an even-handed manner.

Sloan discusses choosing a donor, getting pregnant, and coping as a single mom—but also—and importantly, handling children’s questions about their biological origins. Children will have questions, no matter how secure their relationships with their parents, if only to fill in that blank in their self-images. Evidence shows that most of the time, things will not turn out the way they do in The Kids Are All Right, with the sperm donor invited over and falling for one of the moms.

A book that delves even more deeply into the relationships among donors, mothers, and children is And Baby Makes More, ed. Susan Goldberg and Chloe Brushwood Rose (2009), a collection of essays by lesbian mothers who used known donors, the donors, and the adult children of those families. The authors tackle issues such as the degree of involvement between donor and child, the role of the donor’s parents as grandparents, and what to call the various people (the donor’s partner, or one’s sibling’s donor) who form part of this extended family web.

And hot off the presses is COLAGE’s Donor Insemination Guide, by Jeff DeGroot, a resource by and for youth and adults created through donor insemination.

While And Baby Makes More and the Donor Insemination Guide were written for queer families, I would guess that straight mothers who have used donors—and their children—will find much of use in them as well. If there is one area of parenthood in which lesbian moms may be said to specialize, it is that—even if it is an overgeneralization.

As we cede our (never really exclusive) claim to the turkey baster, therefore, we can take some comfort in knowing that lesbian families have made a significant contribution to parenting literature—a contribution that can help both lesbian and straight families. The more we recognize our similarities, while also honoring our differences, the more we—and our children—will benefit.

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Ttyl gives us a look at the lives of three high-school sophomore girls through the instant messages they send to each other. Reasons given for its challenges were Nudity, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group, and Drugs.

You may remember Myracle from her clash with publisher scholastic last fall, when the book giant decided to remove her young adult novel Luv Ya Bunches from its book fairs because one of the main characters has lesbian moms. Thousands of people, led by Change.org members, came to Myracle’s defense.

Dropping from the top position to number two this year is And Tango Makes Three, by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell, a picture book based on the true story of two male penguins who raise a chick together.

Two other books on the list were challenged for “homosexual” content, among other reasons. Number three is The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky, a coming-of-age story in which the protagonist has two gay friends. Number seven is My Sister’s Keeper: A Novel by Jodi Picoult, which explores issues of genetic planning and medical ethics. One of the characters has a lesbian sister.

Also in the Top 10, though not because of homosexual content, were the Twilight series, by Stephenie Meyer; The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things, by Carolyn Mackler; The Chocolate War, by Robert Cormier; and classics To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee; The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger; and The Color Purple, by Alice Walker.

In 2009, the ALA received 460 reports of challenged books, but estimates that they reflect only 20-25% of the challenges that actually occur.

The ALA this year also released a new list of the top 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of the Decade (2000 – 2009). Number one? The Harry Potter series, challenged for various issues including “occult/Satanism” and “anti-family” themes. And Tango Makes Three is number four, and The Perks of Being a Wallflower is number 10; other books on the list because of “homosexual” content include picture book King and King, by Linda de Haan and Stern Nijland, and young adult novel Rainbow Boys, by Alex Sanchez.

Not on either list this year, but a previous Top 10 member, was Uncle Bobby’s Wedding, by Sarah S. Brannen, a picture book that explores a young, anthropomorphic guinea pig’s concern that her favorite uncle won’t have time to play with her after he gets married. The fact that he is marrying his boyfriend is incidental—though very much on the minds of those who have challenged it.

I mention it here not only because it is a charming book, but because the first two challenges to Uncle Bobby, back in mid-2008, engendered two thorough, considered, and incisive responses from library director James LaRue. (About which more in my earlier piece here.) Among the many points he made (and I urge you to read his first and second posts in full) is that while the patron may have felt the book was inappropriate for her children, other patrons, including gay parents and parents of gay children, may seek it out. “In short,” he wrote, “most of the books we have are designed not to interfere with parents’ notions of how to raise their children, but to support them. But not every parent is looking for the same thing.”

Some may feel it is their parental responsibility to ask libraries to remove or reshelve books they feel have inappropriate content. As a parent, I am very sensitive about the books my son reads. There are certainly some I feel are inappropriate, at least at his current age. It is one of my tasks as a parent to screen them for him, however, or to take the time to discuss them with him should he encounter them anyway. To ask the library or the government to be responsible for such screening would be to shirk my parental responsibilities, not to uphold them.

The ALA list shows, however, that many are still learning this lesson.

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What most news channels have missed, however, is that Constance’s mother is also a lesbian. Constance mentioned this in passing to Michaelangelo Signorile during an interview for his show on OutQ Sirius radio. (Thanks to the attentive women at Autostraddle for picking up on it.)

Does this matter?

I’d like to think that even if Constance’s mom was straight, she would have been supportive of her daughter. Her dad is supportive, and he is not (to the best of my knowledge) gay. Still, this shows that LGBT parents are more than capable of raising strong children who are willing to stand up for their beliefs. I’d also guess that LGBT rights have a special prominence for Constance because they affect not only her, but also others who are close to her.

Abigail Garner’s book Families Like Mine includes a whole chapter showcasing the voices of second-gen LGBT people like Constance. It was shocking to me, the first time I read it, to hear how difficult it was for many LGBT parents to accept a child’s coming out. There was sometimes the sense that they are “proving” the myth that LGBT people “make” their kids LGBT. That’s utter nonsense, of course. No one “makes” their kids anything. (I have a hard enough time getting mine to make his bed.) Statistically, however, some LGBT people will have LGBT kids.

Perhaps Constance’s story will be an inspiration not only to other teens, but also to the LGBT parents of LGBT children. They can support each other in the face of misperceptions, no matter what the mythmakers may say.

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• Since books form an important part of the parenting experience for many of us (and many of us were voracious readers before we became parents), go check out the Lambda Literary Foundation’s brand-new Web site, chock-full of goodness about books for adults and kids.
• Life & Style magazine’s latest cover headline asks, “Why Is Angelina Turning Shiloh Into a Boy?” Apparently it’s because Shiloh has a short haircut and a penchant for boy’s clothes. Yes, it’s a clueless article. It’s gets worse, though. The magazine also quotes an “expert” from arch-conservative group Focus on the Family on how this could harm the child. Dorothy Snarker takes them to task in her inimitable style, so I’ll refer you to her for the dressing-down they deserve.

Politics and Law

• Lake Worth, Florida city commissioners agreed to support a repeal of the state’s ban on adoption by gay men and lesbians, in a show of support for bills filed to repeal the law.
• Nancy Polikoff has further details on the long-running Janet Jenkins-Lisa Miller custody case. Not only did a Vermont family court issue a warrant for Miller’s arrest after she disappeared with their daughter, but a Virginia court denied Miller’s attempt to have Virginia refuse to enforce the orders from the Vermont court.
• Louisiana Attorney General Buddy Caldwell filed a motion requesting that the full Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals review a February 20 decision by a three-judge panel ordering the state Registrar of Vital Statistics to issue a birth certificate listing both adoptive dads of a boy born in Louisiana but adopted in New York. (Via Lambda Legal e-mail message. Not yet on their Web site.)
• Washington, D.C. wasn’t the only capitol to begin allowing same-sex couples to marry this week. Mexico City did as well, also giving same-sex couples the right to adopt.

Advice

• Lauren Forcella, who runs the syndicated “Straight Talk for Teens” column, takes on a question from a teen whose mother won’t let her go over to the house of a friend with two moms. Actually, Forcella’s panel of teen respondents tackle the question as well, and their comments give me hope for the next generation. (And just to alleviate any possible confusion, the “straight” in the title refers to directness, not sexual orientation.)

Lori also notes that the site is home to a brand new podcast of Margo’s The Starr Ann Chronicles, “a kinda’ modern day lesbian cowgirl thing” narrated by women’s music legend Tret Fure.

Yee-ha! Check it out.