It’s been far too long since I’ve redesigned the site, but I’ve been tweaking and geeking a bit, and I think things are mostly in order now.

I’ll still be dusting things off for a couple of days, so please bear with me—but I think most everything should be in working order. If not, please leave a comment and I’ll get to it as soon as I finish supervising the elves who are folding the laundry.

Thanks, too, to the other editors at Bay Windows, Between the Lines, Philadelphia Gay News, South Florida Gay News, and Windy City Times who have believed in my work over the years. (Interested editors in different regions, feel free to drop me a note.) And once again, thanks to all of you who read my writing. I couldn’t do it without you.

I’ve written a special anniversary column, but I’m going to refrain from posting it here until a few more of my clients have run it. Instead, I’m going to rerun my very first column. I think it holds up pretty well—although it’s hard to believe that when I wrote it, marriage equality  in Massachusetts still faced a very real threat in the legislature and that my son, who now wears the same shoe size I do, was only three.

What Being a Parent Has Taught Me About LGBT Politics

(Originally published January 18, 2007)

Welcome to the first Mombian column in Bay Windows. I’ll be offering a blend of parenting, politics, and diversions for LGBT families and those hoping to start one. You’ll find advice, book reviews, suggested family activities, and political commentary, all viewed through the lens of an LGBT parent.

As on my blog, Mombian, I am especially interested in exploring the places where parenting and politics intersect. How are our parenting choices—from buying diapers to choosing a preschool—driven by our politics? How are our political concerns and actions changed by becoming parents?

I thought I’d kick off the column, therefore, with a look at what being a parent has taught me about LGBT politics: 

Have patience. A preschooler can take ten minutes to wash his hands, because the process includes making faces in the mirror, slow…ly pushing the top of the soap pump to see how long the drip will get, washing each finger with the intensity of a surgeon, and sticking his hand against the faucet while rinsing, causing water to spray across the counter, mirror, and front of his shirt.

Likewise, LGBT rights are a long-term process. We’ve been at this in an organized way since 1969 or thereabouts. Now, Evan Wolfson of the Freedom to Marry Coalition is working with other LGBT groups on a “2020 Vision,” setting goals for the progress we can make towards marriage equality by 2020. Even by that date, though, the plan calls for only 10 states to have full equality, with the rest offering various levels of relationship recognition and fair policies. Someday we’ll get to full equality everywhere, I tell myself, just as I’ll eventually get a son with clean hands, despite the detours and messes along the way.

Sometimes you take a step backwards. Just when your toddler has had two weeks of dry underwear, she has three accidents in as many hours. All part of the process.

After excitement in early November because the Massachusetts Legislature had refused to vote on a proposed same-sex marriage ban, the LGBT community received a blow when lawmakers voted in early January to advance the measure. A reason to give up hope? No. A reason to rethink strategy, continue reaching out, and try again.

When dealing with irrationality, don’t confront it head on. If Junior decides he doesn’t want to eat his favorite sandwich, and you can’t convince him otherwise, try rebuilding the sandwich into a tent made from turkey slices and carrot sticks. Cut the bread into shapes with cookie cutters. Get creative.

LGBT activists in Arizona took this approach last fall to achieve the country’s only defeat of a same-sex marriage ban. In their marketing, they promoted the loss of unmarried-opposite-sex couples’ rights. They could have focused on the unfairness to LGBT citizens—a valid point—but knew that would be a harder sell.

It’s good to have allies. “Mama will hold your hand while I clip your nails.”

“Grandpa agrees it’s not a good idea to launch yourself off the armchair and onto the sofa.”

Similarly, straight family, friends, and neighbors are key to winning LGBT equality. It’s a matter of pure numbers. We can’t do it alone.

You’ll be dealing with a lot of poop. Potty training. “Family values” organizations. Enough said.

It’s the little things that count. Making dinner together, singing a favorite song in the car over and over, seeing if you can make a block tower as high as the table—those are the moments that cumulatively mean more than trips to Disneyworld or expensive and soon-outgrown toys.

I’ve heard some LGBT parents say they have no more time or money for activism. Yes, it may be harder to be on the board of your local LGBT center. You can still compose an occasional e-mail for a letter-writing campaign, though. On a daily basis, you can be a visible LGBT family in your community, putting faces to the politics and the rhetoric. That’s effortless activism.

Don’t forget to have fun. Parenting isn’t about laundry, or grocery shopping, or driving to soccer practice. It’s about making a laundry-basket train and pulling your toddler down the hall; beaming as she counts out three apples at the supermarket; and going out for an ice cream after the game, win or lose.

Being LGBT isn’t about fighting for marriage equality, or adoption rights, or anti-discrimination laws. It’s about a dinner out with your partner or spouse; the thrill of discovering your new girlfriend or boyfriend has a secret weakness for chocolate donuts, too; and taking in all the wide, wild variation within our community at the Pride parade.

Remember it’s about love. Parenting boils down to love. Every activity, every bit of caretaking, every teaching moment, every necessary discipline. One guiding principle.

LGBT politics, too, is built on the idea of love—the freedom to love who we want. It’s easy to get caught up in political battles and railing against the bigots. But those are the means, not the end. I also think we have a greater chance of winning those battles if we focus as much on growing the network of people who love and support us as we do fighting those who oppose us. In the week when we honor the leader of one of the great nonviolent civil-rights movements, it’s appropriate to remember that.

(Photo credit: Kimberly Vardeman)

I’m also pleased that Mombian made the list even though it covers a niche within a niche, with LGBT parenting being a subset of the broader range of LGBT issues explored by the other sites. It’s an important niche, though—or at least, I like to think so.

Don’t worry—this isn’t one of those blog contests where I’m going to pester you to go vote for me. It’s a judged award, so it’s in the judges’ hands. I do owe you all many thanks, however, for your comments, ideas, and encouragement that have kept me going for almost seven years now. I hope I’ve provided interesting, informative, and inspirational material along the way. We’re all taking this journey together.

I focus a lot on moms at this site, because many of us are raising our children in mom-only families. At root, however, I would not be half the parent—or the person—I am today if it wasn’t for both of my parents, my mom and my dad. It is not the gender of our parents that matters as much as the love—and I could never doubt my dad’s love.

I won’t make this into a eulogy, because my father was a fairly private person, and his life is not mine to share here. Suffice it to say my family and I will miss him more than I can express.

In the meantime, here’s a slightly related story from the Associated Press about Mexico City’s 1000th same-sex wedding. Apparently, six percent of those marrying are foreigners. Time to fire up the international lawyers, too, perhaps.

I’m also excited to meet my fellow speakers on Saturday’s “Minding Your Own Business – When diversity is simply good business” panel: Ana Flores of Spanglish Baby, Denene Millner of My Brown Baby, Tracey Friley of One Brown Girl, and moderator Deb Rox of 3 Smart Girlz and Deb on the Rocks. Should be a great discussion!

Here’s the official blurb:

Television and print advertising get disproportionate marketing dollars vs. online. Why? Well, change is hard, for one thing. But also: Advertisers believe they know every little detail about who is seeing their advertising in those media. Subscriber information and services like Nielsen break down audience into easily identified buckets. But online can also offer the ability to target niche audiences. The existence of entire departments within PR firms and brand marketing organizations dedicated to finding and reaching diverse audiences speaks to the fertile opportunity. But if you’re building an affinity community online, are you finding that the niche marketers are banging on your door?

We’ve covered for years at BlogHer that this is not always the case…and that remains true to this day. But the women on this panel are representing such affinity communities and are making the case that there is a huge opportunity…for them, their communities, and for brands.

So how can/should marketers reach out to LGBT parents online? Do you feel, like I often do, that much parenting-focused advertising is targeted to non-LGBT families, while much LGBT advertising is targeted to single gay men? And how can marketers reach us without us feeling like we’re being exploited just so they can make a buck? Share your thoughts in the comments, and I’ll share them at BlogHer.

I’ll be on the “Minding Your Own Business – When diversity is simply good business” panel, along with Deb Rox, Ana Flores, Angela Benton, Denene Millner and Tracey Friley. Here’s the official blurb:

Television and print advertising get disproportionate marketing dollars vs. online. Why? Well, change is hard, for one thing. But also: Advertisers believe they know every little detail about who is seeing their advertising in those media. Subscriber information and services like Nielsen break down audience into easily identified buckets. But online can also offer the ability to target niche audiences. The existence of entire departments within PR firms and brand marketing organizations dedicated to finding and reaching diverse audiences speaks to the fertile opportunity. But if you’re building an affinity community online, are you finding that the niche marketers are banging on your door?

We’ve covered for years at BlogHer that this is not always the case…and that remains true to this day. But the women on this panel are representing such affinity communities and are making the case that there is a huge opportunity…for them, their communities, and for brands.

So how can/should marketers reach out to LGBT parents online? Do you feel, like I often do, that much parenting-focused advertising is targeted to non-LGBT families, while much LGBT advertising is targeted to single gay men? And how can marketers reach us without us feeling like we’re being exploited just so they can make a buck? Share your thoughts in the comments, and I’ll share them at BlogHer.

In the meantime, if you haven’t read Stephanie Coontz’ recent piece in the Washington Post, “Gay marriage isn’t revolutionary. It’s just next,” go do so. “For better and for worse,” she writes, “traditional marriage has already been destroyed, and the process began long before anyone even dreamed of legalizing same-sex marriage.” She explains just how this came to be. Good stuff.