Same-Sex Grandparents and the Long Arc of History

Same-sex parents inevitably lead to . . . not just “I love my mommies” t-shirts, but same-sex grandparents. Anndee Hochman of the Philadelphia Inquirer has a great article on gay and lesbian grandparents who are out and proud, despite having started their families, in some cases, in the early days of the LGBT-rights movement. The article even mentions one pair of lesbian grandparents who have a lesbian daughter. It says something about the changed perception of LGBT families that we are no longer so afraid to admit that some of us do have LGBT children. The old fear that LGBT parents always beget LGBT children no longer looms as large.

The article quotes Jennifer Chrisler, executive director of the Family Equality Council, who observes “Gay grandparents have a wisdom about how the world can change, and how people’s prejudices can be moved over time. They’ve seen the long arc of history.”

Take a break from watching the election results tonight, and go read.

(Thanks to the Gay and Lesbian Leadership SmartBrief.)

Happy Grandparents Day!

Today is Grandparents Day, a lesser-known holiday than the two days for parents earlier in the year, but one I would be remiss to overlook. My grandmother is turning 95 soon, but has accepted my partner and our son without question as part of her family and lineage. Here’s to her.

My own parents have been an invaluable help to my partner and me as we journey through parenthood. (My partner’s parents are great as well, but live across the country and are less involved with our daily lives.) My folks live close enough to provide occasional babysitting support, but far enough that a visit from them still feels special to our son. He loves having them around, and the feeling is mutual. Mom is an endless supply of craft ideas and bargain children’s clothing, and Dad ensured that we moved from New York to Massachusetts with a son who was already a Red Sox fan. (He also taught our son a thing or two about the manly art of peeing while standing.) In addition, they are the source of many embarrassing childhood photos of me as a young girl, which they felt necessary to drag out as soon as they found we were expecting.

I count it a blessing that my parents are supportive of our family. I know that not all LGBT people can say that. I also know of cases where the birth of a grandchild was the catalyst for grandparents to accept their child’s sexual orientation and to welcome her or his partner as a member of the family. While I can never condone rejecting a child because of sexual orientation or gender identity, I do realize it can be difficult for those who grew up in a different era to come to grips with the evolving shape of families today. (I should, however, also acknowledge the presence of an increasing number of LGBT grandparents, as well as non-grandparent LGBT seniors.) As we LGBT parents and our children explore new facets of what it means to be a family, our parents do as well. A non-biological mom or dad means non-biological grandparents, with many of the attendant emotional and legal complexities. A known donor who is active in a child’s life may have parents who are involved as well. How we negotiate these relationships will vary. The one constant that can pull us through, the part of family that never gets redefined, is love.

Feel free to share your own thoughts about your grandparents, your children’s grandparents, or your experience as a grandparent.

Stress-Free Thanksgiving Tips

Life coach Paula Gregorowicz is dishing out Thanksgiving advice all over the place, both at Queercents and her own site, Coaching4Lesbians. Worth a read if you’re starting to feel your pressure rise as you think about stuffing and gravy and in-laws.

Personally, I’m too busy arranging my wedding this weekend to even think about Thanksgiving yet. I will add two tips for parents to Paula’s list, however. First, make your kids part of the process. They’ll feel better about it, and you won’t feel like they’re simply getting in the way. Kids can snap green beans or mash potatoes from a very early age.

Second (and this is useful for non-parents, too), don’t be afraid to ask for help. Unless you’re trying out for America’s Top Chef, there are no prizes for solo efforts. If you have relatives coming from out of town, have them bring the cranberry sauce or washed and trimmed green beans that are ready to cook. I always find multi-chef meals to be more fun, anyway. Everyone gets to try some new foods and no one feels guilty for not contributing.

Drop a comment if you have holiday tips of your own, or recipes you’d like to share.

Happy Grandparents’ Day

Today is Grandparents’ Day here in the U. S. One might have guessed that such a commemoration would be subsumed, by definition, under Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, or that the holiday was a pure contrivance by Hallmark. Not so. According to the National Grandparents’ Day Council:

The impetus for a National Grandparents Day originated with Marian McQuade, a housewife in Fayette County, West Virginia. Her primary motivation was to champion the cause of lonely elderly in nursing homes. She also hoped to persuade grandchildren to tap the wisdom and heritage their grandparents could provide. President Jimmy Carter, in 1978, proclaimed that National Grandparents Day would be celebrated every year on the first Sunday after Labor Day.

McQuade has 15 children, 40 grandchildren, and eight great grandchildren, making it even more remarkable that she found time to make this happen.

Here’s to the grandparents who are supportive of our families and those who are struggling to be so. Here’s to those who should be—may they find a way past their prejudices. Let’s also not forget LGBT grandparents, and those of us who will be.

Grandparents’ Day is a minor holiday in the scheme of things, but there’s no harm in taking a few moments to reflect. Philosopher George Santayana once said “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Grandparents link us to our past, and give us, and our children, knowledge for the future.

FamilyRoutes: New Online Community for Families

FamilyRoutes is a new online community for families offering free, unlimited blogging and photo sharing as well as a host of other great features. Samantha Fein, one of the founders (and a mom herself), explains the company’s vision: “Each of us has many dimensions, not just parenthood or our work life. This service is about sharing our interests, projects and challenges with the people we care about.”

Fein recently wrote to me, “We love to see gay families full of life on our network (and anywhere of course). Our hope is to showcase lesbian families as clearly as all other families.” Sounds like a great opportunity for building bridges, as well as keeping in touch with family and friends. Thanks for being an ally, Samantha.

All or some of your FamilyRoutes information can be public or private, and you can invite others to contribute as well. E-cards and “care packages” of photos and messages are additional built-in communication tools.

Is FamilyRoutes better than Blogger (or WordPress, or Typepad) + Flickr? The techno-savvy, and those already set up with one of the above services may prefer the greater flexibility of a do-it-yourself solution. Those who want an integrated, simple way to get up and running fast may favor FamilyRoutes. Even the techno crowd, though, may want a site with FamilyRoutes in order to include less geeky family and friends in a collaborative online project about their lives.

One more reason to like FamilyRoutes? It’s a woman-run company. Fein founded the company with two other women, all ex-Yahoo employees.

Right now, FamilyRoutes is in Beta, which mean they’re still adding features and working out bugs. Nevertheless, it shows a lot of promise. Give it a whirl and see what you think.

Happy Anniversary

My partner and I recently celebrated our thirteenth year together. Did we honor the occasion with a wild display of lesbian hedonism, an example of our depraved homosexual lifestyle? ‘Fraid not. We spent it at IKEA, picking up some bookshelves for my parents. That evening, we assembled it and stayed at their house with our son while they went out with some friends.

On the one hand, I would have liked to do something a little less mundane. On the other, spending our anniversary at IKEA was really rather appropriate. The number of IKEA items we own has grown over the years as we’ve moved from student apartment to “real” apartment to house, then added a child to our family. It was also symbolic that we managed to assemble the furniture this time without any arguments. Two strong-willed women wielding hammers has not always been a recipe for harmony—but we’ve managed to learn a few things about working together in our thirteen years. And the fact that we did all this at my parents’? Yes, it might have been nicer to have been in our own home and had a celebration that was, well, maybe just a wee bit hedonistic. The support we’ve had from both our families, though, has helped us survive the ups and downs and sideways jags of our life together. I think it’s good karma that we celebrated (if only this one time) by helping them in return.

Happy anniversary, honey. I owe you a bottle of champagne, just for you and me.

Raising Boys without Men

A few weeks ago, a publicist for Peggy Drexler’s new book, Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms Are Creating the Next Generation of Exceptional Men, contacted me and asked if I’d review it on Mombian. The book, a study of lesbian moms and single moms raising sons, seemed relevant, so I agreed. (Long post to follow. Full disclosure: I received a free copy of the book for my efforts, but no other compensation.)

Drexler, an assistant professor of psychology in psychiatry at Cornell University’s Weill Medical College, sought to test the prevailing wisdom that boys need fathers as male role models in order to develop into emotionally healthy, mature men. This is an increasingly important question in an era when more lesbian couples are having children and fighting for the right to raise them, and when single moms, lesbian and straight, are also more common than they were in our parents’ generation. Drexler concludes that boys raised solely by moms showed no significant differences in moral development than those raised in “traditional” families, and in fact, boys raised by lesbian moms tended to be more cooperative, less verbally aggressive, and in less conflict with siblings and peers. All good things. Unfortunately, the book has some serious gaps and methodological flaws that will not win it the support of those, particularly in the LGBT community, most likely to want to defend her findings against the conservative right. Read the rest of this post »

Dealing with Relatives

Adoptive Family magazine has a good article on how to deal with insensitive comments relatives may make about adopted children. They recommend that you:

• Appoint yourself ambassador of adoption.
• “Immunize” yourself before family encounters.
• Do a background check [with other relatives, not the FBI] on problematic relatives.
• Hold your ground firmly but with compassion.

Much of their advice makes good sense for LGBT parents in general, whether or not you’re an adoptive parent. Too many of us still have to cope with intractable or insensitive relatives. Read the full article for more details on how to cope.