Dealing with Relatives

Adoptive Family magazine has a good article on how to deal with insensitive comments relatives may make about adopted children. They recommend that you:

• Appoint yourself ambassador of adoption.
• “Immunize” yourself before family encounters.
• Do a background check [with other relatives, not the FBI] on problematic relatives.
• Hold your ground firmly but with compassion.

Much of their advice makes good sense for LGBT parents in general, whether or not you’re an adoptive parent. Too many of us still have to cope with intractable or insensitive relatives. Read the full article for more details on how to cope.

Parents and Depression

Researchers at Florida State and Vanderbilt Universities claim parents have significantly higher levels of depression than adults without children. More surprisingly, this does not change when the kids leave home, and may in fact increase. Parents who do not have custody of their minor children may also experience greater depression than those who do.

Parents’ depression doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy being parents, the researchers explain, but that community support and help from extended family is often lacking in the U. S., making parenting a more emotionally draining experience. They hope their study will motivate parents to seek greater social support.

Let’s pause here a moment and reflect on the many LGBT parents who have been rejected by their families or are not out in their communities. The above study thus implies LGBT parents as a group face an even harder struggle against the forces that cause depression. Add that to evidence that LGBT people in general have higher rates of certain mental problems, including depression and anxiety, which may be fueled by discrimination, and the challenge for LGBT parents is daunting. That’s not good for either us or our kids. I am not by any means saying that all LGBT parents are or will become depressed–but simply that the risk is higher, not because of being LGBT, per se, but because of societal pressures and biases. Yet another argument for acceptance, openness, and equal rights.

Motherhood, Identity, and Being a Lesbian

(Or should that be “Lesbianism, Identity, and Being a Mother”?) There’s a great dialogue about identity going on right now on two other lesbian moms’ blogs. Both Renee and Kwynne offer different perspectives on how being a mother can raise questions about and change one’s sense of self.

How true. Losing my own identity–as a person, not as a lesbian–was one of my greatest fears about having a child. My parents never socialized much or did non-work activities outside the home when I was growing up, either individually or as a couple, and I think that fueled my concerns. I know my folks were simply trying to focus on their kids, but setting a more well-rounded example might have been better. (Guess I turned out all right regardless, though.) Ultimately, I realize that a pure “mom” identity is just an illusion. One of the best things we can do for our kids, I believe, is show them who we are as full people–our interests, activities, and viewpoints will motivate their own, even if simply to help them realize what they don’t want to do. This is tough, of course, especially in the early, most-dependent years, when many of our own hobbies get backburnered and free time is a precious luxury. Still, there are ways to make it work, by making arrangements with one’s partner to each get a night off, for example, or to promise each other that you’ll find a babysitter for a night out at least once a quarter.

Renee and Kwynne also each note that being a mom can make one invisible to other lesbians’ gaydar, whether you’re butch, femme, or somewhere in between. Even within the LGBT community, it’s sometimes hard to remember that we have young ‘uns, too. As Kwynne points out, decorating the stroller with rainbows isn’t always the answer. I’m not sure there is an answer, except for all of us to try extra hard not to make assumptions about anyone we meet. Or just for kicks, assume every unknown mom you see who doesn’t have a husband in tow is a lesbian. Give her a knowing smile. If she’s straight, she’ll just think you’re smiling at her cute child. If she’s not, she’ll be grateful for the recognition.

This has me thinking, too, that another issue of invisibility arises when a child looks much more like one mom. My son is the spitting image of me, with curly red hair. My brown-haired partner gets funny looks sometimes when she’s out with him. When we’re out together, very often people assume our child is all mine. My partner becomes the “invisible” mom. (I’m sure this happens even more with families of mixed racial heritages.) I really hate that.

Are we as lesbians better able than straight women to handle our shifting identities as we transition to motherhood, because most of us have been through at least one period of identity scrutiny (and perhaps change) in the past, as we’ve come out? Or are we tired of all this pondering on identity and find it harder to deal with still more identity issues as mothers? I’d like to think it’s the former, but also suspect it’s as much an individual matter as anything else. My personal anchor is the knowledge that my son looks to me as a guide. If I don’t have a strong sense of self, who will be there to set an example for my son to develop his?

This has been a more philosophical post than most. Thanks to Kwynne and Renee (neither of whom I actually know) for raising some good issues.

Post-Holiday Tips

While there are lots of lists around telling us how to survive the holidays, I thought I’d take a different tack and offer a few suggestions for making the most of your post-holiday time:

• Don’t return anything till after New Year’s. The lines will be shorter, and you’ll be saner. Don’t delay too long, however, or you may miss the cutoff for returns on some items.
  • If you find yourself with unreturnable items, however, you can always sell them on eBay. If the idea of selling there yourself seems daunting, eBay now has a search page so you can find a local Trading Assistant to help you.
• Go through all the envelopes from holiday cards you’ve received, and add to or update your address list, whether it be in your computer, index cards, or a notebook. This will save you time next holiday season, and also be useful for birthdays, etc.
• Transfer any needed dates to your 2006 calendars. If your calendar is electronic, most holidays and birthdays should automatically roll over. Still, there are moveable holidays, planned vacations, and other items you’ll have to add manually. If you use a paper calendar, make sure you buy one soon, if you haven’t already. Here’s a list, which may be useful, of U. S. Federal Holidays. Wikipedia has a longer list of official, unofficial, and state holidays. You may also wish to add National Coming Out Day (October 11), World AIDS Day (December 1), and Gay Pride Month (June).
  • Bonus project: If your kids are of the right age, it can actually be fun to populate a blank paper calendar together, even if you personally live by your PDA. You can buy a bunch of holiday-themed stickers at most craft stores, or just use some colored markers. If you’re really feeling adventurous, buy some blank sticker sheets and print out small photos of friends and relatives to stick on their birthdays.
• Take a big manila envelope, mark it “Taxes 2005″ and set it somewhere prominent. Before you know it, those 1099’s and other tax records will start rolling in, and you’ll be all set to keep them together, in preparation for the “Who deducts the children this year?” game that so many of us lesbian and gay parents play.

Daylight Saving Time Ends

All you busy moms out there: Don’t forget that you should have changed your clocks back last night. Yes, it’s that time of year when you get out of work in the dark and your kids have approximately five minutes of outdoor playtime after school, daycare, or nap. On the positive side, you may have had the opportunity for an extra hour of sleep today, if you remembered and your kids are of an age when they won’t wake you up early anyway.

Don’t forget to use this as a reminder to change your smoke detector batteries.

How to Make a Decision: Family Creation and Other Major Choices

I’m occasionally asked, usually by lesbian friends considering pregnancy, how my partner and I chose our sperm donor. Truth be told, we didn’t use any particular methodology other than agreeing on key factors (health above all), starting with a broad list, and refining, refining, refining. With most sperm banks, you can get free, short profiles of the donors, and pay for more extensive ones, which we did once we got the list down to where this was a reasonable financial burden. After that? Well, I seem to remember a lot of long discussions, paper sorted in piles on the floor, and hoping the cat would offer his opinion by sitting on his profile of preference. (He didn’t, which perhaps explains his indifference to the now-toddling result of our efforts.)

In today’s Lifehacker blog, however, editor Gina Trapani has written a very useful article on Four Ways to Make a Big Decision. Some of you may find it helpful if you are trying to decide on a sperm donor, choose among family creation methods, or make other important life choices. Trapani offers three mathematically-based ways of analyzing options. What I like about her approach, though, is that she knows its limits. Her fourth way of making a decision is to Trust Your Gut. Use the numbers to guide but not rule you.

How to Get Things Done with a Toddler

Toddlers can wreak havoc on our to-do lists. They have their own agendas, their own pace, and their own counterproductive actions (e.g., pulling all the books off the shelf after you’ve just replaced them). In order to increase the odds of actually completing my to-do list, I divide it into categories as follows:

1. Things I can involve my toddler in, like putting laundry in the dryer, cleaning up his toys (which also teaches him good habits), and watering the garden. Activities may take a little longer this way, but they become part of our playtime, rather than extra tasks for which I need to find time.
2. Things I can do while he’s around but occupied, such as folding laundry, prepping dinner, and making phone calls to the cable company.
3. Things I absolutely can’t do while he’s awake, but can manage while he’s napping. This includes anything involving hazardous chemicals, such as cleaning the bathrooms, as well as things that require quiet, such as writing this blog. (It’s hard to craft coherent sentences when there’s a small child pestering you to play online Elmo games with him.)
4. Things I can’t do at all without someone else to help watch him. The vacuum cleaner noise scares him, and it’s too noisy to run while he’s napping, so this falls into the “when my partner gets home” category. Depending on how our respective days have gone, one of us will play with him outside while the other vacuums.

Once I’ve made this list, I try to adhere to it as much as possible. I don’t do Category 1 or 2 items while he’s napping, even though I could. This give me the most time possible for Category 3 items, which include the “save me from becoming Donna Reed and losing my sanity” activities like this blog. Obviously, items will shift categories over time, as my son’s habits and capabilities change. Soon, I’ll even be able to delegate tasks to him. Hopefully, he’ll see me coping well with housework and not getting stressed about it, and will view his tasks in a similar fashion. Dealing with our to-do lists isn’t just for our own purposes anymore, but sets an example for our children. I hope these hints help you with yours.

Lesbian Parenting Hacks

The idea of “life hacks” is a growing phenomenon right now, especially in the geek community. A computer hack, in the non-malicious sense, is a small script or shortcut to facilitate common tasks. A “life hack” is any tip or trick to help cut through the clutter of our everyday lives. Several prominent blogs, notably Lifehacker and 43 Folders, devote themselves to such useful tricks and suggestions. These sites offer advice on such topics as putting together a basic household toolbox, recovering data from a bad hard drive, how to poach an egg, and cleaning and stain removal. There are even related sites specifically on “Parenting Hacks.”

Most of the above hacks are applicable to almost anyone, though they skew towards the techno-savvy. I thought I would offer, however, a few hacks specifically geared to lesbian moms:
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