I admit it. I’m a skeptic when it comes to parenting books. I think I was put off after reading the touted What to Expect When You’re Expecting and finding it saccharine and patronizing. Or maybe it is just the sheer volume of parenting tomes on display at any given bookstore, each touting its own approach as if it were the only one.

It was with this doubtful eye that I opened a review copy of Elizabeth Pantley’s The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums, and Tears (Pantley). I was pleasantly surprised. Pantley, a mother of four, is the author of “No-Cry Solution” books for sleeping and potty training as well as several other parenting volumes. It is to her credit, however, that the books draw on more than just her own experience. For this work, she surveyed and spoke with 242 test parents around the world including gay parents, adoptive parents, and those in interracial or multicultural relationships. (She doesn’t, however, delve into how these different types of families might approach parenting differently or face different issues.)

Pantley starts on a good note and admits “there are no distinct black-and-white answers when it comes to raising children, and contradictory advice abounds. So parents must sort through everything they know, everything they hear, and everything they learn to come up with the right parenting approach for each of their children.” She assures parents that effective parenting skills are learned, even the best parents have children who will misbehave, and all parents lose their cool sometimes. Her book is geared towards parents of toddlers and preschoolers, but it’s easy to see how many of her ideas could be applied to older children as well. Read more »

I’m writing to you today as an official resident of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, where the clams are tasty, the gays can marry, and the Red Sox . . . well, ask me again at the end of the season. Thanks to the scheduling savvy of my sweetie and the heroic efforts of John the Verizon Man, we had Internet access an hour after we closed on our new house. This means I can not only blog but can look up how to get to any one of the three nearby Home Depots.

In order that this post not be completely self-serving, however, I want to share with you a few items that made the move easier:

• Spackle: This wonder substance patches all kinds of flaws in the home you’re leaving. It’s also a sign of maturity; when I was in college, we’d cover up holes in the wall with a combination of toothpaste and white-out. I hate to admit it, but the real stuff works better. I’m partial to Drydex, which goes on pink and turns white when dry. Spring for a plastic putty knife, too—at less than a dollar, it’s a good investment.
• Electric screwdriver: Infinitely useful for tasks such as taking the ten thousand baby-safety latches off your old kitchen drawers and putting them onto the new ones.
• Large felt-tip marker: Mark your boxes as you pack, or make sure your movers do the same. The last time we moved, the packers labeled almost everything “Misc.” This was arguably not entirely inappropriate, but still made it hard to sort things out when we unpacked.
• A lawyer who understands LGBT relationships. Do you know the difference between writing your deed as “Joint with Rights of Survivorship” and “Tenants in Common”? You should, and your lawyer should help you decide which is right for you. (See the helpful interview of gay real-estate guru Jeffrey Hammerberg at Queercents.)
• Grandparents (or other nearby family or friends): If you have small children, having them stay with family or friends for a few days can not only make the move less stressful, but also give you time to secure hazardous cleaning products and install safety devices (outlet covers, stair gates, etc.) My son is with my folks right now, and having a grand time. I have, however, promised I’ll build him something out of empty boxes when he arrives. (I was thinking a simple box castle; he suggested a forklift. We’ll see . . . .)

Today’s guest post comes from Paula Gregorowicz of The Paula G Company. As a life coach, her goal is to help each of her clients “design a successful life that works without the burnout and compromise.” This sounded like advice that would benefit moms (and thus our children), and so I asked if she would contribute a post about how we can balance our lives and minimize that risk of burnout. Thanks for your insights, Paula. Read more »

The always-useful Lifehacker has had a number of posts about kids and home lately. Here’s a roundup:

• How to set a homework schedule. Also useful for us bloggers and writers.
• Kids Freeware Bonanza. From games to education.
• Copy TV shows to your iPod. Perhaps good for car trips, waiting at the doctor’s office, and other moments when you’ve exhausted all other means of entertainment.
• Teach kids valuable lessons with free Sesame Street iPod videos. Over 35 years old, and still going strong.

And for busy parents:

• A guide to freezer cooking. No, not actually roasting a chicken in your freezer, but rather how to cook and freeze a month’s worth of meals in a single cooking session.
• Can I freeze that? A guide to freezer do’s and don’ts. A link to information from The National Center for Food Preservation. (I didn’t even know there was such an organization. I wonder if donating a few things from my fridge would get me a tax write-off.)

Turkey not defrosted in time? Diaper disaster with your toddler means you won’t have time to make stuffing? Hop over to Joe Kissel’s column at Wired News and learn how to Deal With Turkey Day Disasters. Disater or no, my family always uses his trick of baking the stuffing in a pan, not in the bird. Not only does the turkey take less time to cook, but you also get more stuffing. Kissel also recommends using canned sweet potatoes to make candied, baked potatoes, “but only in a real emergency.” I agree this is only for the desperate—but would also suggest that if you’re forced to go for canned, mash them with a little ginger, nutmeg, and butter rather than try to bake them. Canned spuds always come out mushy when baked, anyway, so don’t fight it.

If you need to keep your older kids amused while you cook, point them at MAKE’s podcast and downloadable pattern for creating a Thanksgiving turkey out of paper. Even better, have them sous-chef for you, mashing potatoes or cutting up green beans. (Younger children can snap beans with their hands or use safety scissors.) You might even avoid the last-minute panic if you have more hands to help (assuming you have enough space to keep stray elbows from ending up in the cooling pumpkin pie).

Life coach Paula Gregorowicz is dishing out Thanksgiving advice all over the place, both at Queercents and her own site, Coaching4Lesbians. Worth a read if you’re starting to feel your pressure rise as you think about stuffing and gravy and in-laws.

Personally, I’m too busy arranging my wedding this weekend to even think about Thanksgiving yet. I will add two tips for parents to Paula’s list, however. First, make your kids part of the process. They’ll feel better about it, and you won’t feel like they’re simply getting in the way. Kids can snap green beans or mash potatoes from a very early age.

Second (and this is useful for non-parents, too), don’t be afraid to ask for help. Unless you’re trying out for America’s Top Chef, there are no prizes for solo efforts. If you have relatives coming from out of town, have them bring the cranberry sauce or washed and trimmed green beans that are ready to cook. I always find multi-chef meals to be more fun, anyway. Everyone gets to try some new foods and no one feels guilty for not contributing.

Drop a comment if you have holiday tips of your own, or recipes you’d like to share.

To pique your interest in the online chat with sociologist Rosanna Hertz I’m hosting tomorrow night, I wanted to share some statistics she sent me about the changing shape of the American family.

• Less than 25% of all families consist of a married, opposite-sex couple living with their own (biological or adopted) children—down from 40% in 1970.
• While most children do live with two parents today (including stepparents), most will also at some point live with only one parent.
• One third of all births are to women who are not married. Half of them are not teen mothers, but rather women over the age of 20. This number doesn’t distinguish between those cohabitating with a partner and those living alone— regardless, it shows that marriage and family are no longer the coterminous institutions they once were. (The one third also does not include women who adopt, since we do not know how many women adopt on their own.)
• For women over 30 years old, 8% birthed children on their own in 1970, but today the proportion has jumped to 12%.
• Finally, a figure pointing to the continued need for childcare: “Among children living with single parents, 69% have an employed parent. . . . The women in these families are not selfish careerists, as they have often been (and still are) characterized. Women seek employment for the same reasons men do: they need a paycheck, they want personal rewards, and they wish to do meaningful work.” (From Hertz and Marshall, Working Families.)

Join us here tomorrow night at 9:00 p.m. EDT to learn more about these demographic and social changes and to discuss practical advice for single moms and others.

Yahoo! will be offering coupons for a free cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee to anyone who sets Yahoo! as their homepage this Friday. It’s unclear what the actual mechanics of this will be, or how long Yahoo! has to be your homepage before you can reset it. Presumably Yahoo! will publish details later in the week. The promotion is part of a multimillion-dollar marketing campaign, so you can decide for yourself whether to participate in this celebration of capitalism. Still, it’s a free cup of coffee, and for most of the moms I know, this is a good thing. (Personally, I’m bi when it comes to caffeine—coffee in the morning, and tea in the afternoons. I’ll have to time my trip to Dunkin accordingly.)

(Thanks to Google Blogoscoped for the tip.)

From ParentHacks comes a note about writer Barbara Aria, who is seeking stories about how to take young children on “grown-up” outings—to museums, restaurants, shopping, etc. She’s using them in an article for an unspecified women’s magazine. I think it’s important for us lesbian moms to have our voices heard on general parenting issues, as well as LGBT-specific ones. Helps break down the barriers. If you want to contribute, you can e-mail Barbara at b.aria@earthlink.net.

My partner and I and a gallon of SPF 50 are off to the Olivia Grand Carribean Cruise this week. I’ve written up some posts in advance, which my software will publish automatically every day, so you’ll still find new reading here. Breaking news coverage will be in short supply, though. I also won’t be able to moderate comments. (If you’ve left a comment here before, yours should post with no problem. If you haven’t, it may be a few days.)

It’s tough leaving our two-and-a-half-year-old son, of course. Every day brings changes at this age. At least we’re beyond the milestones of first step and first word, so there’s no worry about missing those. We also know he’s in good care, staying with my folks this week. He’s their only grandson, and there’s mutual excitement when they get together. I’m a firm believer, too, in a little time away to refresh and recharge. I’ve seen too many parents either frazzled or apathetic when they’ve been “on” too long. That’s why there’s a halftime, or at least a seventh-inning stretch, in many sports—so players and fans can make it through the rest of the game.

If you’re going to be on the cruise, drop me a note and we can sit on the Lido deck and chat about our kids. If not, I look forward to reading your comments when I return.