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Domestic Partnering in the New Year

My wife and I were out to dinner last night with two of our fellow Brides of March—another couple who married on that fateful morning in March three years ago when Oregon briefly opened the door to same-sex marriage—when suddenly one of the women said, “We should make plans for January 2nd.”

At first, flustered with the parking machinations necessary to arrive at the restaurant in the Pearl District of Portland, a fashionable part of town replete with purse dogs and Priuses, I was clueless about the allusion. Then, when she went on to hint to her spouse that she was ready for another ring—waggling her third finger suggestively, and her spouse good naturedly griped about her wife’s new desire for sapphires and diamonds, I got it—she was talking about the news that Oregon had survived an attempt to stall the domestic partnership bill from becoming law in 2008.

Naturally I knew—Basic Rights Oregon is on my daily rota of Web-sites-to-visit, and even if I’d forgotten to check up on my civil rights that day, my wife had forwarded along an e-mail announcement sent by the glbtq group at work. What my spouse thought of the decision I didn’t yet know, the last time I’d brought up the issue (mentioning the opponents’ claim that they’d gathered enough signatures to stall the legislation), she metaphorically told me to talk to the hand—she couldn’t jump on another emotional roller coaster like the last time we had faith that equality was possible in our time.

Once burned, far more than twice shy.

Admittedly, during our voyage from newlyweds, to public fodder, to castaways on an island of legal marriage, to the legally voided, I was obsessive compulsive about keeping track of every article, letter to the editor, editorial, and CNN headline about the fate of our marital status. Every sarcastic assertion that Adam and Eve set the standard for romantic love, every suggestion we settle for tolerance instead of equality, every letter in support of our cause by a friendly straight friend was summarized for my wife, who otherwise avoided all media during that ride.

But now, on Wednesday, January 2nd there will be registration forms at the Multnomah County Building, or wherever the powers that be decide we can get a contract for the state rights granted with marriage. Yet, I would bet my booty that by next summer, signatures will be gathering for a people’s initiative to fight the legislation, to repeal domestic partnerships or homogenize them into a contract between any two people residing in the same domicile, no matter the relationship, since to our opponents, as one anti-gay activist once said, “We’re talking about roommates here, people, roommates.”

So the question remains—if you’ve decided to take a leap of faith into the legal system, how do you get domestically partnered? Do you head down to the county building in your Sunday best and go to dinner after? Do you sign on the dotted line and then party with your nearest and dearest, a substitute for the wedding reception that should have been? Do you treat it as you would a visit to the lawyer, just another step to legally protect you as a couple, and drop in during lunch hour with a latte then run back to work?

Perhaps there is room for a new tradition here, domestic partnership rituals that mark the bonding of lovers in legal cohabitation; I see parties focusing on domesticity and kitchen ware, feasts made in the partners’ home, matching aprons or armchairs representing domestic bliss. Big glass jars could become de rigueur at a domestic partnership gathering, as family and friends donate dollars to the deck fund, a hot tub, or finally finishing the kitchen, in order to bless the state sanctioned solidarity of the happy couple.

No celebration should lack cake, and surely an effigy in icing of the newly legal pair under the banner “Just Partnered” is both a joyous phrase celebrating what we have achieved and a snarky pointed allusion to what we are denied.

If only I could forget the letter enclosing the refund check for our marriage license fee, the one that described the license as “void at the time of issue” and our marriage as legally nonexistent, and be happy that there are legal protections for our family, letting go of the golden ring of equal marriage for long enough to be happy with what I have. I can but try. I have two and a half months to get used to the idea of “domestic partnership,” prepare for another roller coaster ride (without talking my wife to death about every letter to the editor and signature gathering campaign), and order that cake.

Beren deMotier has written for Curve, And Baby, Greenlight.com, Prideparenting.com, ehow.com and glbtq newspapers across the country. Her book, The Brides of March: Memoir of a Same-Sex Marriage, was published in April 2007. Beren deMotier lives in Portland, Oregon, with her wife of twenty years, their three children, and a Labrador the size of a small horse. www.berendemotier.com.

I’m not particularly religious myself, but it makes me sick when the ultra-conservatives try to frame LGBT rights as a matter of the religious vs. the godless. It does a disservice to those who believe in their religions’ values of love and acceptance, and, as others have argued, infringes upon the religious freedom of those with different views.

Here are a couple of additional excerpts from Blogging for LGBT Families Day entries, with a religious perspective on LGBT rights:

• “I want to draw attention to the fact that there are those of us who bear the name of Christ who support full equality – who marry same-sex couples, who rejoice at baptizing their children, and who speak out against the campaign of hate currently being waged against these families today. I want to salute the LGBT parents who are doing such a splendid job of raising loving children.” —Thoughts at Large from a Bishop at Large
• “The . . . more important reason I’m such a loudmouth about welcoming LBGT people into all areas of church and civil life is that Jesus asks us to. . . . If you reject the idea that LBGT people deserve civil rights and family protection, go back and read your Bible. . . . Reread the Gospels. It’s right there, laid out in every story, every parable, every big and small thing Jesus said.” —Moxie
• Finally, while his Blogging for LGBT Families Day entry doesn’t talk specifically about religion, Jim’s Straight, Not Narrow blog is all about “Advocating for GLBT equality in the church and politics.”

Please visit the links above to read the full posts of the original authors.

• “I am a heterosexual, ten-years-married mother of two who cannot understand how anyone’s loving, committed relationship could be in any way a threat to my family or to families in general.” —RedMolly Picayune Democrat
  
• “Now you might ask why would a straight woman care about lesbian and gay families. Because an attack on any type of family is an attack on all families. Including mine. I’ve found that g&l families tend to be excellent families. Maybe because they have to fight for being recognized as a family, they take it more seriously.” —One Odd Goose
• “As a straight, married female, I take a lot for granted. No, I don’t have kids, no, I don’t want them, but that’s my choice. It hurts my heart to see people who want children be denied them because of such a stupid reason. I raise my glass to the families who face all odds to just love each other.” —Vamprayne
• “The two things I see my heterosexual self doing that are beneficial are a) speaking up when I hear someone making homophobic comments and b) voting. One other thing I work hard at doing is erasing the default questions and answers.” —Cheaper Than Therapy
• “From my perspective, which is that of a functionally heterosexual woman. . . . what I see happening is a lot of bullshit. I see amazing women building great families, with or without children, and not having those families recognized in most basic ways by the state. I see these women having to fight, litigate, and make awful choices just to get the recognition that those of us who are not in same-sex partnerships take for granted. And it really, really sucks.” —What If No One’s Watching?
• “I absolutely adore all of my two-mama-family friends, and I vote, dammit!” —Katebug31

Please visit the links above to read the full posts by the original authors.

Matt, who is not a parent, writes:

I can imagine that many LGBT families don’t have the time that I might have or other activists might have in order to play the political game and do all that activist-type things. I can imagine, from my experience of seeing my mom, that many LGBT parents are too busy taking care of their kids – feeding them, clothing them, taking them to and from school, extra-curriculars and sports – in order to take time off to go to dinners of LGBT advocacy groups or go to lobby days or go pimping out a petition to their local or state governments. I can imagine that thoughts and notions of equality and justice are secondary in the minds of many LGBT parents and that their partners and children are always first. . . .

The only thing I worry about, especially since I am now heading up a (small, but growing) advocacy group, is if these activists and groups are missing a very important and vital part of the LGBT and allied community? Are we hearing the voices of LGBT families and parents, or are we too busy with our jobs and families too busy with their family life to even cross paths?

It’s a good question. I’ll answer for myself, but urge you to leave comments here or on Matt’s blog with your own thoughts.

My own activism has indeed shifted since I became a parent. Now that I am staying home with my son, I no longer lead an LGBT network of over 200 corporate employees. I attend fundraising dinners less often. My partner and I have continued to contribute money to several groups, although the amount has shrunk now that we’re on a single income and funding a college-savings account. I still e-mail my elected officials, but am even more grateful for the online forms that make this quick and easy.

I’ve also added some activism since becoming a mom. I maintain this blog, and sometimes pester my readers about writing to their elected officials. I also go to local, non-LGBT children’s activities with my son. Those who meet him are charmed (parental bias, I know), and once they find out I’m a lesbian, they’re stuck with the image of a happy, cared-for child in a lesbian home. It’s a kind of quiet activism to gain the support of the unbiased but unknowing, as I’ve written before. Sacha at Babycakes said much the same thing in her Blogging for LGBT Families Day entry:

We will continue to challenge a society that has become complacent and accepting of only one version of family as the norm. We will do this by being out and proud, by being mom and mom, by being on boards and going to PTA meetings. This is quiet activism, and quiet activism works.

I would modify Matt’s speculation that “thoughts and notions of equality and justice are secondary in the minds of many LGBT parents and that their partners and children are always first.” I would say that the daily safety, care, and feeding of my family comes first as a matter of practicality, but that equality and justice have become even more important now that they also affect the well-being of my son. My activism has changed, yes. I may not go to the Pride Parade if it’s during naptime. But ceasing to help build the world I want my son to live in means failing as a parent.

Matt asks a good question, though, when he asks whether LGBT advocacy groups are missing out on parents’ voices. Is there a gap here? If so, do we need to fill it, or should parents do what they can from home (donations, e-mails) and let those with more time do the phone banks and door knocking? Are there things we can do to bring the groups together, like having more childcare volunteers at the LGBT community center during voter-mobilization night? Or are parents really still involved? Your thoughts?

• “What children really need is love. The source of that love does not matter. It can be the stereotypical nuclear family or it can be a single parent household. It can be two mothers or two fathers. It can be a grandmother and a grandfather or an aunt and uncle. Those who fear this redefinition of family are missing this point.” —The Space Between
• “Family shouldn’t be a question of politics, but a question of love.” —All the Little Things
• “I’m a firm believer that there are two families to which we belong, the one we were born into, and the one we choose.” —Cheese and Whine
• “I think that being adopted really has given me an openness to creating the family I want and need, rather than feeling overly tied to conventional definitions of family.” —Then Again, Maybe Not
• “In some respects, that which I call my family is very unique. We have 4 people in our household, my wife, myself, our ‘daughter’ and her daughter. I would challenge anyone to tell me that we are not a family . . . we laugh together, cry together, feel each others pain, help one another. Everything any other ‘family’ does that is recognized by our government.” —Eagle Eye View
• “I am very fortunate to belong to many families. . . . My birth family. . . . My extended family. . . . My close friends whom I consider my family. . . . The wider gay and lesbian family. . . . But most importantly, Tanya and Baby G are the most important family to me, and come far above all others. I would die for them in a heartbeat. . . .” —BYO Baby
• “Family isn’t about legal or biological connections, it’s about love, support and commitment, and I’m very lucky to have one.” —Navigating the Maze: Foster Parenting and Life
• “I think it’s important to remember that Queer families (by which I mean families with one or more LGBT parent) already exist, it’s not some new idea.” —La Familia Brophy

Please visit the links above to read the full posts by the original authors.

• “Being a parent isn’t about sex, gender, race, color, creed, sexual preference, religion, social class, education level, or any other cross-section. It’s about raising a child to be the person they want to be, whatever that is.” —Individual Results May Vary
• “My opinion being that a gay family is the same as a straight one. In both situations, the parent is responsible for instilling in the child confidence in his or her self and the morals as they see fit. Like queer parents, straight parents have the same opportunity to raise their children with fewer prejudices than they were taught. We can do better for our kids.” —2c Sundrie
• “Beckett has some amazing role models in his life. Strong moms, resilient grandmas, handy and loving grandpas, fashionable uncles – he’s luckier than a lot of babies with both a mother and a father.” —The Boys in Our Life
• “Ultra-conservatives who oppose the mere existence of gay families wring their hands asking what about the children? It is unfair to subject children to this lifestyle. At the same time, they conveniently refuse to acknowledge that these families already exist. The laws they try to pass to invalidate gay families erode children’s sense of dignity and security.” —Damn Straight
• “We have families some big some small some just beginning the journey. We all have the common bond of wanting to be parents. Our children reflect a greater part of what and who we are. Our children go through the same thing every child does. Why on Earth would anyone want to ostracize these kids?” —Ker’s Korner
• “Natalie wants you to know that babies with two moms scream and fuss and want their moms to pay attention to them instead of the computer just like babies with straight parents.” —Addition Problems
• “You are what I was put here for. To spend time with you, sing to you, laugh with and at you, play soccer and softball and basketball and hockey and what ever else you want to play with you. . . . I had no idea I would feel this way. I had no idea that you would infuse my life with so much meaning that when I look at your faces, I know I can quit searching for I have found my home. I thank your Mommy for making you possible and for knowing what I perhaps did not then, that I was meant to be your Mama. And you are meant to be ours.” —The Baby Juggler

Please visit the links above to read the full posts of the original authors. They give me hope for our children and our world.

Contributors represented every part of the LGBT spectrum, straight allies, those with LGBT children, children with LGBT parents, non parents, expectant and prospective parents, biological and non-biological parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, those dealing with infertility, those with disabilities or chronic diseases, multiracial families, those writing from a religious perspective, and more. Most belong to more than one of these groups, which makes us part of a wonderful overlapping tapestry.

One frequent theme was that in many ways LGBT families are just like any others. Many wrote of the legal and financial burdens that make us unfairly different. Not all bloggers agreed on what to do about this, though, or how these concerns ranked in the overall scheme of world injustices. These are important discussions to have, and I hope we continue, through our blogs, listservs, and in person.

I wrote in my own entry that my main reason for creating this event was to share our stories with each other and with the world. Two contributors elaborated on this particularly well. Steve at Adamant Sun wrote:

It will be much harder for our political adversaries to use our families as political footballs and demonize us, if we put faces on LGBT families. Let people see us, see who we are and then they will see we are just like everybody else.

Families come in all shapes, sizes, colors and makeups. It’s just a great day when we all get together and celebrate that. Being part of a family, any part of it, is the best part of living, and we as a society should be rewarding and celebrating that in any way we can. So here’s a big “Hooray for families!” of all shapes and sizes, existing and soon to be.

Polly at Lesbiandad.net said:

Reading the entries . . . has been like—hmm—like sinking my chops into a juicy, foil-wrapped, plastic basket-bedded Mission District burrito after a long sojourn away from the California homeland. Would that be it? Or like dropping into a hot tub (or a Hot Tub; whichever) after a 12 hour-long moving day. Or like, well, like reading all about other queer parents’ experiences, here in the rosy dawn of my (de facto queer-o) parenthood, and at a moment of enormous national growing pains over the struggle for lgbt civil and human rights.

I will probably not be able to thank you all personally, so please accept this thanks for taking part. I’ll write several posts in the next few days highlighting entries and issues that caught my eye.

A footnote: President Bush has declared this Sunday, June 4, to be National Child’s Day, a time to “reaffirm our commitment to America’s children.”

We’re a tad early, but I think we’ve done our part.

I am now going to bed, as it’s far too late for the mother of a three-year-old to be up.

I will be updating the participant list through Friday, June 2, in deference to bloggers in other time zones and those who were busy Thursday. Don’t hesitate to send in your entry, even late. Here are details on how to contribute. I will write a full wrap-up Friday evening.

One last note: DC Comics just announced that the new Batwoman is a lesbian. I say that all of you who took part in Blogging for LGBT Families Day are superheroes in your own ways. Batwoman is going to have some tough competition.

That’s a mouthful. It sums up, however, as this: I want us to share our stories. With each other. With the world. We are stronger as a community than as individuals, yet it is our individual stories that can put human faces on abstract concepts like “gay rights” or the infamous “homosexual agenda.”

I purposely didn’t define this event to be specific to lesbian moms, or even LGBT parents. The concept of “family” is so varied that I wanted people to define it for themselves. I’m happy to see contributors are doing so. (My own blog focuses on lesbian moms because that’s the only perspective from which I feel I can write with authority.)

There’s always the risk of restriction in an event like this. If today is Blogging for LGBT Families Day, what happens the other 364? Witness the many corporations that happily put up posters for Black History Month, Women’s History Month, or the like, and yet have policies and/or environments that remain intolerant. I thought the benefits outweighed the risk, however, since there are already so many people blogging about LGBT families. We’re not going to stop tomorrow.

I want people to get out of this event whatever they choose. Some may make contact with other LGBT families. Others may gain insight into the diversity within and beyond the LGBT community, and think differently about issues of race, disability, social class, and religion. Some may even read these posts who would not otherwise read LGBT-family blogs, and discover themselves rethinking prejudices and political positions.

My underlying reason for organizing this event, though? My son. He’s almost three and doesn’t yet know his family is “different.” He doesn’t know prejudice, or why the two women who together created and care for him can’t marry. It’s unrealistic in 2006 to imagine he’ll never have to learn this. I’m going to do my best, however, to make sure he doesn’t need to know it for long. As a mother, I can do no less.