Two recent stories by adults with lesbian moms show the pain of homophobia and the secrets it engenders.
An anonymous woman wrote in the Guardian’s “A letter to …” column of learning only on her mother’s deathbed that she was gay. The author’s father had died of cancer when she was five, and the family took in a lodger “to help with the bills.” The author and her brother “always knew June was more than a lodger — she became your closest friend and integral to our lives. She was like an aunt to me.”
How sad, then, that the mother, when she finally came out to her daughter, said that June was her “biggest regret.” The author says, “I only found out much later that my brother’s relationship with her had been so difficult and that she had treated him cruelly.” It is unclear if that was the cause of her mother’s regret, or if she felt guilty from internalized homophobia about having a relationship with another woman. There is much that is left unsaid.
Over at HuffPo, Vanessa Mártir writes, “My Lesbian Mom Died Terrified of Going to Hell.” Unlike the author above, she knew her mom was a lesbian, but “For years I was told that my family was living in sin, that my two mothers were immoral and disgusting and going to hell, that no one’s born gay.” She didn’t tell anyone about her family. “I was carrying my own shame,” she writes.
When her mother Millie died nine years ago, Mártir says, “My biological mother went back to being a Jehovah’s Witness and now says she regrets being with Millie for 20-some-odd years.” Mártir and her biological mother haven’t spoken in months. It is clear that Millie was the formative influence in her life.
The rest of the essay describes Millie’s struggle with cancer and her fears, learned from her family of origin, that she had been living in sin.
Neither of these stories is a fun read. Both made me want to throw things — not at the authors or their families, but at the attitudes that caused such fear and self-doubt. Read them, though, for they will make you appreciate how important it is for us to live our lives openly, honestly, and (should we choose to partner) with someone in a relationship of mutual kindness, respect, and love.