As a mother who used a sperm bank to start my family, and as someone who works in my day job for a program that addresses racial inequities, among others, I feel compelled to write about a disconcerting lawsuit that has been making headlines: That of a lesbian mother suing a sperm bank for sending her the wrong sperm — something she discovered only after she was pregnant. The added complication is that much of the lawsuit revolves around the fact that the donor is Black, while she and her partner are White, and had chosen a White donor.
Jennifer Cramblett and her spouse, from Uniontown, Ohio, selected a donor from Midwest Sperm Bank to get Jennifer pregnant. After she was pregnant, they contacted the bank to reserve more vials of the same donor’s sperm so they could have another child, but discovered that the bank had initially sent them the wrong donor.
On the face of it, this should be a straightforward case of medical wrongdoing. Most users of donor sperm spend countless hours choosing the donor we want. Even if it was an easy choice, the selection of a donor is a deeply personal decision. To have that decision taken away from any woman is a horrible thing. My sense is (although I’m not a lawyer) that they would have had a strong lawsuit based merely on that much wrongdoing.
Cramblett and her attorney have made this a case about race, however — and that is where my support for her ends. The couple had selected a White donor, but received sperm from a Black donor. The child is clearly of mixed race. The lawsuit says, reports the Chicago Tribune, that Cramblett “was raised around people with stereotypical attitudes about nonwhites” and “because of this background and upbringing, Jennifer acknowledges her limited cultural competency relative to African-Americans and steep learning curve, particularly in small, homogenous Uniontown, which she regards as too racially intolerant.” She now wants to move to a place “with more cultural diversity and good schools,” according to an NBC News report.
OK, so she has a biracial daughter and wants to live somewhere her daughter will see other children like her and be in a more accepting environment. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.
But I can’t help feeling that she is running away from her own discomfort around Black people. The lawsuit notes that one of her concerns is that in order to get her daughter’s hair cut, she must travel to a Black neighborhood, “where she is obviously different in appearance, and not overtly welcome.” How many people of color in our society spend much of their lives in places where they are “obviously different in appearance, and not overtly welcome”? Cramblett is getting a taste of what it is like not to have privilege, and it doesn’t seem to be to her liking.
Yes, Cramblett will stand out in a Black neighborhood — but she also has the opportunity to expand her understanding and learn to be an ally, both to her daughter and to other people of color. Right now, she’s taking a very “me vs. them” attitude. While she should acknowledge cultural difference, she should see her position as offering a window between her and the Black community, not a wall separating them. If she feels that uncomfortable around Black people, then moving to a more culturally diverse area (which, presumably, has Black people in it) won’t do her or her daughter much good.
Furthermore, we also can’t always choose to have children whose needs match our starting skill set. Cramblett should read Andrew Solomon’s Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity
Cramblett states in the lawsuit that she fears her “all white and unconsciously insensitive family,” which has had trouble accepting that she is a lesbian, could impact her daughter negatively, says the Chicago Tribune. That could be — but wouldn’t they have the same negative impact because of their homophobia, even if the child was White? Cramblett seems willing to have dealt with their homophobia, but not their racism.
A colleague of mine, who is Black, commented to me, “The strengths she must have developed to come out to her family and community will be assets for her in raising her daughter — and the communities in which she chooses to remain.” She should use those strengths to reach out and educate herself about how to be the White parent of a biracial daughter.
Yes, the sperm bank made a huge mistake. But Cramblett says she loves her daughter. For the girl’s sake, I hope she faces her fears.
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