(Originally published in my Mombian newspaper column.)
As I was thinking about what to write for this column, I did what any self-respecting parenting writer would do, and asked my son. “Write about how there are many types of moms,” he suggested. “You know, like how some moms are all girly but you’re not.”
He knows me so well. I don’t identify as butch—but I’m definitely not “girly,” which makes me stand out among many of the suburban moms where I live. I can handle that—the only problem is that I’m a fairly small person, and it’s getting harder to tell my androgynous clothing apart from my son’s when I’m doing laundry.
Of course, not all of us lesbian moms are androgynous nor all straight moms girly, just as not all gay dads are flamboyant nor all straight ones “manly”—which is why I count Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as the most annoying holidays around. I’m all for celebrating parenthood—but could we please do so in a way that celebrates all of the various ways to be a mom or a dad, not just the ones that the mainstream media has decided we should recognize? I’d much rather have sports equipment, and my spouse would rather have new power tools, instead of flowers and jewelry. Sure, we could celebrate on Father’s Day instead, when the former items are more likely to be on sale, but that doesn’t feel right for us, even though it might for some other LGBTQ moms.
Let’s face it, though—the real spirit of the holiday isn’t in the “stuff,” but in the sentiment. The only present I really need is my son saying “Happy Mothers’ Day” to my spouse and me (though I wouldn’t be adverse to breakfast in bed).
In hopes of hearing those kind words, then, I feel I must respond to his Mother’s Day idea that I write about the many types of moms. I’ll take his suggestion as a challenge to try and list some of those types, honoring them in the naming. We moms include biological moms, nonbiological moms, adoptive moms, birth moms, surrogate moms, foster moms, step moms, gestational moms, genetic moms, chosen moms, lesbian moms, bisexual moms, transgender men who still consider themselves moms to their kids (though not all do), transgender women who took up the title “mom” as they transitioned, gay men (not all, of course) who feel like they fit better into what has traditionally been seen as the mother’s role in parenting (though some may prefer to see this as the expansion of a father’s role), relatives or others who become mother figures to a child, feminine moms, masculine moms, androgynous moms, queer moms, and moms who prefer no label. We may be coupled, single, separated, polyamorous, or co-parenting with one or more non-romantic partners. We are sometimes the same race, ethnicity, or religion as our children, and sometimes not. We may be employed outside the home full time, part time, or not at all. We may face the challenge of ourselves or our children being differently abled. We are rich, poor, and in-between. We are moms of one, two, or many. We’re combinations of the above and definitely a varied lot (and I’m sure I missed some variations).
Are we “redefining” motherhood with all of this diversity? I don’t think so. While modern medicine has given us some new ways of conceiving a child, we’d do well to remember that even the Bible has examples of adoptive, surrogate, single, and polygamous moms, as well as biological and married ones. Throughout history and across the world, a wide range of mothers have nurtured, protected, taught, and loved their children as they worked, played, fought, thought, built, and made their own impact on the world.
If anything has changed today, it’s that we as a society are becoming more aware of this great diversity of mothers’ experiences. It is my hope that Mother’s Day will come to use the day as an excuse to talk about this variety instead of reducing the holiday to a sappy bouquet of floral sameness.
In the spirit of celebrating all the aspects of LGBTQ family diversity that form part of this whole, I’d like to invite all of you on Monday, June 2, to participate in the ninth annual Blogging for LGBTQ Families Day. I created the event as a time for all bloggers, LGBTQ and allies, to post in support of LGBTQ families midway between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. If you have a blog, just post on or before June 2 and submit the link at Mombian.com. I’ll compile a master list to showcase all the entries. If you don’t have a blog, just come by to read our many stories, tweet about the event with the hashtag #LGBTQfamilies, or let your Facebook friends know about it.
And if you’re in the Boston area, please join me for an LGBTQ Families Celebration at the Residence Inn Back Bay-Fenway on Sunday, June 1, from 2 to 4 p.m. The afternoon of fun and socializing is sponsored by Residence Inn in conjunction with Mombian and the Family Equality Council. There will be refreshments, inclusive coloring activities for kids, a view of Fenway Park, and the opportunity for attendees to share messages about their families that will be posted online as part of Blogging for LGBTQ Families Day. Please RSVP, as space is limited.
No matter how we and our families celebrate the upcoming parental holidays, I hope we can make them a celebration both of our individual families and of the wonderful tapestry of family diversity in the world around us.