Lesbian Mom Running for President

In a move that may shake up this year’s presidential race, suburban lesbian mom Jess Jo King has announced her intention to run for president on the 2012 ballot.

King, who lives with her partner and their two children, explained in an interview that despite not having held elected office, she is highly qualified for the job. “People say one of the hardest parts of being president is getting Congress to agree. After months of debate with my partner over which sperm donor to pick—not to mention years of negotiating between my two children about which movie to see, which toppings to get on our pizza, and who gets to have the last cookie, Congress will be a piece of cake.”

She feels similarly confident should she ever be required to nominate someone for the Supreme Court. “My partner and I interviewed seven lawyers before we selected one to do our second-parent adoption.  I would be no less thorough choosing a nominee for our nation’s highest court,” she affirmed.

As for the constant media attention of the campaign trail, King said, “It can’t be any more intrusive than our adoption home study.”

King’s partner, April Furst, said she would welcome traditional First Lady duties such as redecorating the White House to suit the new First Family’s style. “I think IKEA Expedit shelves would add the perfect contemporary touch to the Oval Office,” she said. “They may even help improve diplomatic relations between the U.S. and Sweden.”

King denied rumors that if elected, she would select a cabinet formed entirely from ex-lovers. “That’s a lesbian stereotype that should be put to rest,” she asserted. “I plan to nominate my high school gym teacher as Secretary of Education—and believe me, we never slept together, despite my best efforts to catch her attention.”

“And the fact that all of my senior campaign staff were on my college softball team is completely coincidental.”

She refused to comment on whether she would replace the Cadillacs of the presidential motorcade with armored Subaru Outbacks.

(Happy April Fool’s. Here’s to all the real lesbian moms who hold elected office, including Prime Minister of Iceland Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir, Georgia State Representative Karla Drenner, Washington State Representative Laurie Jinkins, Wyoming State Representative Cathy Connolly, Houston Mayor Annise Parker, and Cambridge, Mass. Vice-Mayor (and former mayor) E. Denise Simmons.)