Are Boys in Princess Dresses the Scariest Thing on Halloween?

PumpkinHalloween is almost upon us, the holiday that underscores like no other that society has certain gender expectations for boys and girls. Girls, by and large, are princesses; boys tend towards the violent as superheroes, Star Wars characters, soldiers, or pirates. But each year, it seems, at least one family makes the news because their child wants to defy those boundaries.

This year, the Los Angeles Times reported October 22 on the story of Anna and Louisa Villeneuve, two California moms whose four-year-old son wants to be a princess for Halloween. They have mixed feelings about this, the Times said. On the one hand, they want him to be himself and make his own choices. On the other, many of their fellow townspeople voted in favor of Proposition 8, which bans marriage for same-sex couples in California. The moms don’t want someone to open the door and express disapproval to their son’s face.

Last year, mom blogger Sarah won widespread recognition, including television appearances, when she wrote at Nerdy Apple Bottom about the intolerant comments from other moms at her son’s preschool when her five-year-old son dressed up for Halloween as Daphne from Scooby Doo.

Mom Cheryl Kilodavis, however, found more support at her five-year-old son’s school when he wanted to wear a princess Halloween costume to class last year. Several of the male staff dressed up and performed as princesses, too (in a respectful way, not a teasing one). But such tales of support seem outweighed by those of taunting and fear.

It’s infuriating. On the most basic level, isn’t Halloween supposed to be about dressing up? In costumes? Which may or may not have anything to do with reality? Even if one believes (as I do not) that there is something wrong with a boy dressing up as a girl (there seem to be far fewer concerns about girls dressing up as boys), can’t we put such restrictions on hold for a day that is all about make-believe?

Apparently not. 

It was all so much simpler when they were infants and we dressed them as pumpkins and bees. The thing about kids, though, is that they soon develop their own ideas and identities. Our role as parents is to support them. This could mean allowing the costume, or finding places where they can wear it safely if there are true concerns about people’s reactions harming the child’s physical or mental well being.

A great resource for all parents thinking about these issues is Gender Spectrum, which works towards a gender-sensitive and inclusive environment for all children. They also provide information and support for families with gender-variant or transgender children. Not all boys who dress as princesses (or girls who dress as pirates, for that matter) are gender variant, of course. Many are simply captivated by a particular costume for the same reason children are captivated by a certain toy or television character—it just caught their eye. But Gender Spectrum is a good site to browse, regardless. Even if your child is not gender variant or transgender, you might someday meet one who is—and it never hurts to be more aware of the subject.

Of course, Halloween is only the tip of the gender-nonconforming iceberg. J. Crew President Jenna Lyons caught flak from the right wing this past April for an online catalog spread showing her painting her five-year-old son’s toenails pink—his favorite color, she said. I’ll bet a pink, sparkly hair ribbon that we’ll hear several similar stories in the coming year.

But Halloween stands out because it does tend to transform most children into gender stereotypes. (I haven’t seen a generic, gender-free ghost in years.) But if we can’t accept that a) for some children who defy those stereotypes, it’s harmless dress-up; and b) for those who are gender variant, it’s an expression of their true selves, then we’ve just created a very scary Halloween indeed.

7 thoughts on “Are Boys in Princess Dresses the Scariest Thing on Halloween?”

  1. We are also two Moms and our middle son, age 4, is going to be Abby Cadabby for Halloween. We have struggled with it between ourselves and are having to face our own internalized homophobia. At the end of the day, we decided that the MOST important thing was that we support him with what he wants to do and be. Home should be safe and you should feel that your parents love you no matter what, is what we finally decided. Halloween, especially, should be a time to be what you dream… polyester costume & all!

  2. I just have to agree with everything in the post and mention that a friend of mine’s son wants to be a lego for Halloween. I am in the process of creating a one lego block costume, not a character out of legos. I know that whatever this boy wants to grow up and be it cannot be a lego block but why not let him be it for Halloween?

  3. I am transgender.

    For years before I came out of the closet and started my transition Haloween was the one day a year I could go out to the world as me.
    Most years from childhood on I ussed the opportunity that this holiday presents to ‘try it on’ so to speak. It helped me, it gave me a chance to be a female, if only for a night. That once a year opportunity kept me from commiting suicide. Kept me alive to arive at that day I finally walked away from manhood and started living my life genuinely.

    Allow these kids the chance to have some fun. Perhaps there is a transgender kid near you that needs this once a year opportunity to cut loose of the gender prison they are in.
    This rare opportunity that comes but once a year should not be sacrificed on the alter of social conformity.

    For most folks cross dressing on Haloween is a lark. A simple gag for a laugh and some fun. For others, they are in reality wearing a mask all year and Haloween is the one day a year they take the mask off.

    Mothers,
    Watch over your children and let them grow. If you have a transgender child, my heart goes out to you and your child. Allow this child to grow into their expressed gender, help them grow just like you would your children that are not transgender. If you have a son who was born a girl or a daughter that was born a male, understand it is just a cruel trick of nature.

  4. Heck, I am still trying to figure out the gender of Casper.

    I gave up on figuring it out when I was seven :) I just knew Casper was just happy to be Casper.

  5. There was a sign posted at some Mormon “church” (don’t know where the location was) but the sign *clearly* said “no cross-dressed costumes allowed”.

    Now how crazy is that?? Johnny comes dressed as a princess or Hanna Montana, and suddenly he’s going to want to be a girl? No *wonder* their religion’s so anti-TLBG!

  6. Pingback: Mombian » Blog Archive » Halloween Open Thread

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