Halloween is almost upon us, the holiday that underscores like no other that society has certain gender expectations for boys and girls. Girls, by and large, are princesses; boys tend towards the violent as superheroes, Star Wars characters, soldiers, or pirates. But each year, it seems, at least one family makes the news because their child wants to defy those boundaries.

This year, the Los Angeles Times reported October 22 on the story of Anna and Louisa Villeneuve, two California moms whose four-year-old son wants to be a princess for Halloween. They have mixed feelings about this, the Times said. On the one hand, they want him to be himself and make his own choices. On the other, many of their fellow townspeople voted in favor of Proposition 8, which bans marriage for same-sex couples in California. The moms don’t want someone to open the door and express disapproval to their son’s face.

Last year, mom blogger Sarah won widespread recognition, including television appearances, when she wrote at Nerdy Apple Bottom about the intolerant comments from other moms at her son’s preschool when her five-year-old son dressed up for Halloween as Daphne from Scooby Doo.

Mom Cheryl Kilodavis, however, found more support at her five-year-old son’s school when he wanted to wear a princess Halloween costume to class last year. Several of the male staff dressed up and performed as princesses, too (in a respectful way, not a teasing one). But such tales of support seem outweighed by those of taunting and fear.

It’s infuriating. On the most basic level, isn’t Halloween supposed to be about dressing up? In costumes? Which may or may not have anything to do with reality? Even if one believes (as I do not) that there is something wrong with a boy dressing up as a girl (there seem to be far fewer concerns about girls dressing up as boys), can’t we put such restrictions on hold for a day that is all about make-believe?

Apparently not. 

It was all so much simpler when they were infants and we dressed them as pumpkins and bees. The thing about kids, though, is that they soon develop their own ideas and identities. Our role as parents is to support them. This could mean allowing the costume, or finding places where they can wear it safely if there are true concerns about people’s reactions harming the child’s physical or mental well being.

A great resource for all parents thinking about these issues is Gender Spectrum, which works towards a gender-sensitive and inclusive environment for all children. They also provide information and support for families with gender-variant or transgender children. Not all boys who dress as princesses (or girls who dress as pirates, for that matter) are gender variant, of course. Many are simply captivated by a particular costume for the same reason children are captivated by a certain toy or television character—it just caught their eye. But Gender Spectrum is a good site to browse, regardless. Even if your child is not gender variant or transgender, you might someday meet one who is—and it never hurts to be more aware of the subject.

Of course, Halloween is only the tip of the gender-nonconforming iceberg. J. Crew President Jenna Lyons caught flak from the right wing this past April for an online catalog spread showing her painting her five-year-old son’s toenails pink—his favorite color, she said. I’ll bet a pink, sparkly hair ribbon that we’ll hear several similar stories in the coming year.

But Halloween stands out because it does tend to transform most children into gender stereotypes. (I haven’t seen a generic, gender-free ghost in years.) But if we can’t accept that a) for some children who defy those stereotypes, it’s harmless dress-up; and b) for those who are gender variant, it’s an expression of their true selves, then we’ve just created a very scary Halloween indeed.