Eleven LGBT Parenting Resolutions for 2011

(Happy 2011 to all! I’ll be back on a regular posting schedule next week. In the meantime, here’s a piece that was originally published as my Mombian newspaper column. Feel free to add your own resolutions in the comments.)

The end of November through early January is one big party in our multi-celebration family, with Thanksgiving leading to Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year’s, and my spouse’s birthday in quick succession. In between finding room for our son’s new Lego sets and making sure the cats don’t eat the tinsel off the tree or knock over the menorah, however, I like to think about resolutions for the coming year. Here are 11 for 2011 that I offer as suggestions for other parents as well—some generic, some with an LGBT twist.

Travel someplace new. One of the great joys of parenting for me is sharing new places with our son. And while I like taking him to places I already love, I also think there are lessons to be learned when we go someplace new to all of us—local or farther afield—and get to explore it together. If your child is old enough, have him or her help with the planning.

Teach someone something about your family. We don’t all have to be outspoken advocates 24×7—but if we each commit to saying even one thing during the year that helps a non-LGBT person better understand LGBT families, we’ll be making progress. Share what it means to have books and other media that reflect LGBT families. Explain how a certain piece of legislation would affect you. Suggest how another parent might discuss your family to her/his kids.

See more things from your child’s perspective. It is a cliché to say that parenting helps one see the world through a child’s eyes, but it is also all too easy to spend so much time in “responsible parent” mode that we forget to do so. Make a point of trying to see your child’s view. Even if you don’t agree, it will help you communicate more effectively.

Take time for your partner/spouse/a date. I often joke that if the right wing wants to stop gay sex, they should be encouraging us all to become parents. I also firmly believe, however, that a healthy relationship between parents leads to a happier, healthier home environment. A little time away from the kids (whether in bed, at the movies, or otherwise) helps us refresh and recharge. And if kids think that becoming a parent means giving up the rest of one’s life, then they’ll never want to become parents themselves. Set an example of good balance.

Help another LGBT family. Whether in-person or online, share something that has helped you as an LGBT family—a referral to a friendly lawyer or doctor, an approach to discussing donors, surrogates, or birth parents with your child, an inclusive book you have loved. Whatever stage you are at in your parenting journey, someone else is less far along, and might benefit from your advice.

Read a book about a different type of family. Pick out one—or one for yourself and one for your children—about a family of another race, religion, nationality, or that brought children into their lives in a different way. LGBT parents often urge others to learn more about us; we should return the favor.

Volunteer at your child’s school. At least once each year, raise your hand to help out in the classroom, at the book fair, on field day, or with a fundraiser. Yes, it’s hard if you’re also employed full-time, but your kids will appreciate the effort—not to mention that having LGBT parents who are visible, valuable members of the school community helps us all.

Support a small LGBT cause. Support the big organizations, too, if you wish, but don’t forget the smaller ones like local community centers and youth groups, HIV/AIDS service organizations, health initiatives like the Mautner Project (mautnerproject.org), and youth education organizations and initiatives like Groundspark (groundspark.org) and the Family Acceptance Project (familyproject.sfsu.edu).

Build things with your kid(s)—often. A paper airplane, a cake, a tower of blocks, a new deck—whether a one-time affair or an ongoing project, creating things together can be a world of fun—as well as an exercise (for both of you) in how to follow directions, share, overcome frustration, and ask for help.

Make sure your legal documents are up to date and accessible. Are your wills, powers of attorney, and other legal documents in order? Have there been any major life changes (like moving to a new state or becoming married or civil unioned) since you last made out your wills? Do you have copies of your powers of attorney and adoption papers or parentage orders that you bring with you when you travel? A new year is a good time to check all of this and see a lawyer if necessary.

Thank your family. However you define it, whoever is included, make sure to tell them that you value their role in your life, despite the annoyances, arguments, piles of laundry, and tacky holiday gifts.