A reader wrote to me and asked if I’d share the following question for your input. It’s a good one. Have at:
“What is the most challenging, ridiculous, offensive or just plain confusing question you and your family have ever been asked about being lesbian moms?”
Honestly, I don’t find any question inappropriate. In the 4 years since our daughter was born, we’ve been asked a zillion questions! But I would rather be asked than not. Then, I have the opportunity to engage a person that might otherwise make their own false assumptions,etc. We welcome the questions. I can’t expect everyone to understand how we did it, why we did it,and on and on and on. The questions and the dialogue has allowed us to develop relationships with people that would have probably never happened. It’s that engaging dialogue that formed bridges of understanding and respect.
I heartily agree with the above poster, and my most hated question is always “so whose the man in your relationship?”.
Also, if someone accused me of not having a “real family” I would probably feel like smacking them (instead of the annoyed confused smile that would probably grace my face), but I’ve never found this to be an issue yet.
Is she the mom and you’re the grandma?
Sarah, I agree that I would rather engage somebody than have them persist in a misconception, but I admire your patience in dealing with so many questions. Where I live, I think people are either afraid to offend by asking questions, or content to let it be our private business.
Before my first child was born, my 87-year-old grandmother asked (tactfully, going not to me but to my mom) a revealing question: “What happens if they break up?”
To me, that highlights the fact that our relationships with our partners and children are still in cultural as well as legal limbo. I don’t think she would have asked that if I were creating children in the typical way with a man.
Most questions about conception, parenting, being a two-mom family … the ones that have the potential to be the most awkward… are fine with us. *IF* they’re asked in the right spirit. So, if we can tell that someone’s genuinely interested, it’s fine. It’s when someone’s asking with an air of meanness or condescension that we pull out “That’s a private matter.” or “Why do you ask?”
I think the setting has a lot to do with it too. We were asked, “So how’d you do it? Did you like inject it?” by the attorney that was handling our 2nd parent adoption… not cool, knucklehead.
ooh there are so many…
the ‘best pediatric dermotologist in the city’ said numerous offensive things on our first, and only visit…
-when asking about allergies for the birthmom – ‘why didn’t you just choose her uterus?’ (not asking/respecting any other issues the non bio mom had)
-repeatedly wanted to talk about hair products…
-was shocked that my son was still nursing after 1 year. ‘it does nothing for him – he’s 1. it’s just for you that you’re still nursing’
and finally…
-”If there are two women – HOW did you decide who takes out the garbage??”
my response: ‘that’s why we had a son. how long will it be till he can get on with his chores? our living room is full of garbage bags’
In our relationship, I guess I look “butch” to the outside world and my partner appears more femme. Consequently, whenever people find out I’m the stay at home mom, they are stunned and say things like “oh, it’s you who’s at home?”. Other (straight) mothers also seem uncomfortable or unsure of how to act around my and my daughter (they’ve gone from questioning my presence in women’s washrooms, to having to deal with me changing my daughter’s diapers in those washrooms).
“So, which one of you is ‘the man’?”
“Who is the real mother?”
“Don’t they have a dad?”
I try very hard to be like some of the previous commenters. I try to remain open, answer questions honestly, understand that people are most often genuinely curious and don’t have bad intentions. I try to remember that change happens slowly and that by being open about who we are my family is part of those incrememental changes.
And yet. The one question that sets me off and makes my blood boil is, “which one of you is his real mom?” AHHHH! Makes me crazy EVERY time.
Count me among the folks upstream here who ideally are open to being an informative and diplomatic docent for the respectfully curious.
It says a great deal about where I move around (i.e., fairly limited circles, in a decidedly progressive town/ region) that I’ve not been asked a lot of the most offensive questions. Early on, members of our extended family had a lot of curiosity but whenever their ignorance ran over our toes, we chalked it up to, well, ignorance. It’s all so new to so many.
The hardest thing is probably more the questions that aren’t asked, and thus the misconceptions that continue to stick. I’d prefer people to ask us outright questions like:
What names do your kids call you?
What do you prefer I refer to you as?
How do you celebrate the various “parent” days like mother’s and father’s day?
How do you prefer I/we refer to your family, in your child’s peer community?
And so on. I’d jump at the chance to clarify these things, if only every fresh caregiver/ teacher/ you name it actually asked.
Hi Polly. I’m a teacher, and I always appreciate it when parents just give answers to the questions you mentioned at the beginning of the year. I bet any other teacher or caregiver would, too. Often parents in two-mom or two-dad families will write me a quick note at the beginning of the year with that sort of information. At back to school night, when the parents all introduce themselves around the room, every two mom or two dad family I’ve ever had has also mentioned the names that their kid calls them (i.e. “We’re Sarah’s parents. I’m Paul, Sarah’s Papa, and this is Dan, Sarah’s Daddy”). Then, all the parents in the class immediately know that bit of information when “Sarah” is over for playdates, etc.
As the daughter of lesbians, two of my least favorite and two of the most commonly asked are, “which mom are you closest to?” and “Do you feel like you’ve missed out not having a dad ?” I’ve come up with a million witty retorts to both but they still drive me crazy. The “which one is your real mom ?” is pretty high up there too…
Well, ours isn’t born, yet, but we’ve had plenty of rude questions already, especially around the time we made our announcement. Unlike some of the other commenters, it offends me when someone treats me like an open book. I value my privacy and want to be treated like others in general- that is to say, I don’t like it when people ask personal questions they have no right to know the answers to. Such as “how is that possible?”, “is it your genes?” (to me as the non-bio mom), questions about our donor, refering to the donor as “father”, assuming we had to have a medical procedure, etc. Our lesbian neighbors have an 18-month-old daughter, and are asked who the birthmom is, questions about their donor, etc.
I don’t mind questions from other lesbian couples trying to conceive, probably because I feel they have a legitimate reason to ask, but other people are just curious. And I don’t think curiosity is a good reason to ask impertinent questions. One should at least ask if it is ok to ask, before getting into personal questions like that.
Kate
I hate being asked WHY I became a lesbian. I am the mother of two boys which I had while in a relationship with a man at a young age. I feel as though people expect me to explain my life story to them so that they allow me their acceptance.
As the reader who proposed the original question, I wanted to thank you all for taking the time to respond. It’s really interesting to hear different perspectives on the issue, and the varying experiences we have all had. I agree that there are times when asking and answering these questions is appropriate- and obviously so much depends on context as well as tone. My wife and I hate being asked who the real mom is, and we also hate references to the donor as the dad. (“Will the next kid have the same dad?” etc.) Another thing that I, as the birth mom of our daughter, really dislike is when people ask probing questions about how exactly our conception took place. This has happened a surprising number of times and it REALLY makes me mad because I have NEVER, ever asked this kind of question to heterosexual parents.
At any rate, thank you all for sharing your ideas and experiences.