Bullied Youth and Coming Out In a Religious Context

There’s been a lot written on the recent bullying-related suicides. I found this piece by Rabbi Victor Appell, “If Only Tyler Clementi Had Been to a Gay Synagogue,” particularly moving. Too often religion and LGBT rights are set up as opposites; Appell shows us how they don’t have to be, and how “coming out in a religious context” might even have helped some of the youth who have committed suicide after anti-LGBT bullying. Appell himself was the subject of such bullying. Now he is a rabbi and a gay dad, raising two children with his partner.

I am not myself religious, and would not ever say that religion is the best or only answer to bullying. I do know, however, that messages of hate disguised as religion help no one, and can do great damage to LGBTQ youth. On the positive side, religions have the power to offer great comfort and assistance to those within their communities of belief. Some might say they have a God-given duty to do so.

Appell explains:

It is difficult to have a positive self-image when much of society would tell you that what you are is abnormal or that you are a sinner and would seek to deny your civil rights and make your expressions of love against the law. Coming out in a religious context challenges all that. We can learn, in synagogues and churches that welcome us, that what we are is good; that we can love and be loved; that we are created, like everyone else, in God’s image; and that God loves us with an unqualified love. Religion has the ability to transform us. With people not only hating us but also trying to make us hate ourselves, we desperately need places where we can learn to love ourselves.

Regardless of your particular religious faith or lack thereof, go read the rest of his piece. Appell makes a point more people need to hear.

Coming Out, Speaking Out

This year’s National Coming Out Day brings with it a certain poignancy. On the one hand, it has been amazing this past year to watch students like Constance McMillen, who not only came out, but took on her school district when it said she couldn’t attend prom with her girlfriend and wear a tux.

On the other hand, we have heard more and more stories about the many students who faced such severe anti-LGBT bullying and harassment when they came out (or even if they didn’t) that they were driven to suicide, killed by others, or tortured and given horrific choices like whether to be beaten with a bat or a pipe.

Why would anyone come out and risk such dangers?

Because if we forever hide who we are, the bigots and the bullies have won.

We should not come out in the face of immediate danger to ourselves or our families. There is room for sensible precaution. But those of us who can chance it, should, to whatever extent we can. In doing so, we not only help ourselves, but we increase the space in which others may safely be themselves. Whether we come out as LGBT, as having LGBT parents, having LGBT children, or as an ally, we add ourselves to the network of those who are standing against the hate and the intolerance.

The problem of anti-LGBT bullying and violence requires a multi-pronged solution. It must begin, however, with people choosing to speak up, to say, “Your words and actions affect me and those I care about, and I will not allow them.”

The situation is urgent. Children are dying. May today be but a reminder of an ongoing need.

Photo credit: Håkan Dahlström

Weekly Political Roundup

• House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) told the audience at the Victory Fund’s Gay & Lesbian Leadership Awards that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell “will be gone by the end of the year.”
• Will the Obama administration appeal the two federal court rulings that declared part of the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional? Good question; and Lee Swislow of Gay & Lesbian Advocates and Defenders (GLAD) told the Washington Blade’s Chris Johnson that an appeal wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing—it could mean the ultimate ruling applies over a wider area, possibly the whole country.
• Arguments began in Snyder v. Phelps, in which lawyers will argue that the hateful messages of Fred Phelps—perhaps best known for his godhatesfags.com site and related protests—constitute allowable “speech on public issues.” Read the rest of this post »

“I Love My Mummies” Gear Now Available for Halloween

Just in time for Halloween come brand-new “I Love My Mummies” t-shirts and other kid apparel. Thanks to my own “mummy” for providing the drawing.

Find other styles and designs in the Mombian Store at CafePress.

Heartbreaking Story of Youth Lost to Violence, and His Two Moms

At a time when our community is already grieving too many of its young people, here is another story to break your heart. Frankie Valencia, Jr. was randomly shot by a gang member in Chicago last fall. As if that wasn’t tragic enough, his non-biological mother, Siu Moy, was fired from her job after his death made her too upset to go to work. Her employer apparently didn’t understand that she had lost a son. Press coverage of the murder trial has focused on his biological mother, Joy McCormack, and his biological father, Francisco Valencia, Sr., to the exclusion of Moy. Even many relatives don’t understand her role in the family. McCormack and Valencia, Sr. divorced when the boy was young; she and Moy had raised him with help from the father.

Kate Sosin at Windy City Times has the full story; yet another example of how many things in our society need to change.

[Update: I see that Tina Fakhrid-Deen, Chicago-based author of the new book Let's Get This Straight, has also written about the family's situation. She notes, "It is wonderful to see that all of the parents raised him and that they didn’t succumb to the kind of post- heterosexual divorce drama that sometimes disconnects and fragments the children in LGBT homes." She also points out how important it is for coverage of family tragedies like theirs to include the whole family, "Oftentimes, the media glosses over who our families are and it is situations like this that can add insult to injury."]

Bullying and Safe Schools: What the Federal Government Is Doing

Bullying is on everyone’s mind this week. I’ve been covering some of the recent happenings for Keen News Service:

• “Fed grants awarded to begin addressing bullying and safe schools,” coverage of some moves the federal government is making to address the problem, based on my interview with Kevin Jennings, Assistant Deputy Secretary for the Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools and founder of the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN).
• “Bullied to death: New cases shine light on old problem,” an overview of recent events and reactions, explaining why the problem has existed long before now.

New Book for Youth with LGBTQ Parents

I’m very excited to let you all know that Let’s Get This Straight: The Ultimate Handbook for Youth with LGBTQ Parents is hitting bookstores today.

It’s a practical, inspirational, and forthright guide for pre-teens and teens with LGBTQ parents—and we parents could benefit from reading it as well. I had the pleasure of interviewing Tina Fakhrid-Deen, who authored the book in partnership with COLAGE, and the piece is now up at Bay Windows.

At a time when supporting youth in the LGBTQ community has taken on particular poignancy, resources that do so are invaluable. Fakhrid-Deen makes a notable contribution.

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Working Is Funny

I’m off to moderate a parenting panel—”Our communities, our careers and our families: Being an LGBT parent in the workplace”—at the Out and Equal Workplace Summit.

Because I have workplace issues on my mind, I thought I’d ask all of you:

Please share your funniest (or most memorable) experience of being a parent in the workplace—or of transitioning to become a stay-at-home parent.

Mine has to be leaving a business dinner to go shoot up fertility hormones in the rest room. (Usually, I did this at home, but the last one before egg retrieval required very precise timing.) It felt very illicit, somehow.

Or maybe it was nine months later when I mentioned to fellow meeting participants—as I stood there very visibly flat-stomached—that if I ran out suddenly, it was because I was having a baby. (For those who don’t know: I provided the egg; my spouse carried it.)

Surely some of you can top that, especially those who have had occasion to bring your kids into the workplace. Leave a comment!