Who’s Your Daddy?

As promised, here is another in my series of quotes from Who’s Your Daddy? And Other Writings on Queer Parenting. I’ll be running them for a couple of weeks courtesy of the book’s editor, Rachel Epstein. I’m choosing the quotes I feel are most intriguing and thought provoking; I don’t always agree with the sentiments, but I hope they will spur some discussion in the comments and encourage you to seek out the book for yourselves.

For more on how to get this Canadian-published volume (and you should!), see my original post about it.

Today’s quote is from Laurie Bell, whose essay “Who’s Your Daddy? Reflections on Masculinity in Butch-Parented Sons” inspired the title for the volume: Read the rest of this post »

Two New Books on LGBTQ Parents and Our Children

I am thrilled to bring you news about two (two!) wonderful new books on LGBTQ parenting: Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle, by Abbie Goldberg, and Who’s Your Daddy? And Other Writings on Queer Parenting, edited by Rachel Epstein. I have a longer article in Bay Windows about the books, which I hope you will go read. Here’s a quick overview, plus a special bonus at the end.

Goldberg’s book, which I noted the other day, brings together decades of professional research on lesbian- and gay- headed families (and the little that exists on families with transgender parents). It is an academic work, stuffed with citations, but all the more compelling because of its rigor.

Epstein’s book is a collection of nearly 40 essays from LGBTQ parents and our adult children across every letter of the spectrum. The authors offer personal, historical, and political insights and raise tough questions about parenting, gender, and society.

Both Goldberg and Epstein call for a deeper understanding of LGBTQ-headed families, not only in comparison to non-LGBTQ ones, but also in and of themselves. Each takes a different approach—one is an academic synthesis, the other a less formal essay collection—but both offer much food for thought.

Problem is, Who’s Your Daddy? is published in Canada, and seems hard to find south of the 49th parallel. (It actually came out in April, but word spread slowly to the States.) Amazon.com, Amazon.ca, BN.com, and Powell’s.com are all out of stock. You can, however, buy it from Women’s Press or Chapters.indigo.ca, ask Canadian friends to send you a copy, or take a field trip north yourself. I hear it’s not yet too cold up there. (You can also ask your local library to stock both books.)

Because of the sheer number of authors and perspectives in Who’s Your Daddy?, I asked Epstein if I could post quotes from a number of the essays over the next couple of weeks. She agreed, so look for them in the coming days.

I’ll start with one from Epstein herself, in the introduction to the book: Read the rest of this post »

Lesbian Mom New Bishop of Stockholm

The Church of Sweden consecrated its first openly gay bishop Sunday, making lesbian mom Eva Brunne Bishop of Stockholm. According to Agence France-Presse (via the Advocate), Brunne is in a civil partnership with a woman, and they have a three-year-old child.

By pure coincidence, Helen and I spent Sunday assembling IKEA furniture for our son’s room (new desk and shelves), and then celebrated with several slices of their Tårta Mörk Choklad (with which I have developed a slight obsession). I feel some cosmic connection even though I am neither Swedish nor Lutheran.

Sesame Street and LGBT Families

In honor of the 40th season of Sesame Street, which starts tomorrow, I thought I’d rerun this video, which made the rounds earlier this year and is based on a much older episode of the show.

Yes, this is exactly what marriage equality proponents want to teach children. The horror.

I was two when Sesame Street first launched. As one of the first generation of children to grow up with the show, I’ve always had a soft spot for it (although I raise a skeptical eyebrow at Elmo and Abby Cadabby). It remains not only one of the best children’s shows in terms of pedagogy, but also in terms of inclusivity. That inclusivity has not yet extended to LGBT families, but as I’ve said before, they have a new chance now, under a federal administration that is not likely to yank funding if they do so, and an increasing number of LGBT-friendly corporations who wouldn’t be afraid to sponsor them.

They’ve been a pioneer in diversity before, unafraid to incorporate characters of various ethnicities, languages, and physical abilities. They had a multi-episode storyline with an adoptive single mother in 2006. Really, throwing in an LGBT-headed family wouldn’t be that much of a stretch, and would help them prove that even 40 years on, they remain a leader in teaching children not only the ABC’s, but also the diversity of the society around them.

NYT’s LGBT Family Blowout

The New York Times is chock full o’ LGBT family goodness this weekend:

Lisa Belkin’s “What’s Good for the Kids” looks at recent research showing that children of lesbian and gay parents tend to be more tolerant and less bound by gender stereotypes and assumptions. She relies heavily on a new book by Abbie Goldberg, Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children. (I have a column of my own coming out soon on Goldberg’s book, so I won’t go into details here, but I will point you to my interview of Goldberg from a couple of years ago.)

Belkin makes some good points, and her main one, that non-traditional families can actually be good for kids, is laudable. I have to take issue with one thing she says, however:

It is striking, then, how comparatively rarely children are mentioned as an argument in favor of gay marriage. The issue is framed as a debate over equality and justice, of personal freedom and the relation of church and state, not about what is good for kids.

First, I’ve seen a lot about how letting same-sex couples marry is good for our children, and about how not letting us do so hurts our kids.

Second, the ultra-right is always framing the debate about what is good for kids. (Several, if not all, of the sources I mention in the Maine section of my Weekly Political Roundup note this was a large reason we lost there. Ditto for Prop 8. )

If LGBT advocates have framed the issue instead as one of simple fairness and equality, that may be a matter of tactics, and isn’t necessarily a bad thing. As I’ve said before, I think Protect Maine Equality should be praised for focusing on fairness and equality, and not getting caught up in the back and forth of whether “gay marriage will be taught in schools,” one of the big issues that sank us in California.

Still, Belkin is correct in noting that the research on lesbian and gay parents, deftly compiled by Goldberg and others, shows not only that we are no worse than others, but may in fact be better preparing our children, gay or not, to live in a world where gender stereotypes are fading, straight husbands spend more time with kids, and wives take out the trash.

Will that convince people to support marriage equality, however, as Belkin suggests? My take? It won’t persuade the ultra-right, for whom the idea of blurred gender roles is as scary as that of same-sex couples getting married (and may in fact be the root cause of the latter). On the other side, those who see blurred gender roles as a good thing already tend to support marriage equality. For the undecided middle? Perhaps, although I am continually surprised at how entrenched gender roles are among the families in my neighborhood, even here in relatively liberal Massachusetts.

Still, the ultra-right has long owned the argument of “what is best for children.” If there is anything we can do to reclaim that argument from them in a compelling way for Middle America, then maybe Maine will be the last defeat of its kind.

Also of note in the NYT this weekend:

• “Can a Boy Wear a Skirt to School?” a good exploration of gender expression and identity. (The article even mentions Labels Are for Jars, whom I—and many of you—have long known around the queer-mom blogosphere.)
• “Field Guides to Fairies” is not in fact about identifying gay men, but rather a review of several new young adult books involving fairies, including Malinda Lo’s Ash, a lesbian retelling of Cinderella. (Here’s my interview with her about the book.) Many congratulations to her for making the NYT, which calls Ash “somber and lovely.”

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Weekly Political Roundup

Elections

• As I’m sure you all know, we lost marriage equality in Maine. Everyone is writing about this. A few pieces of note are those of Jeremy at Good As You and Nan Hunter at Bilerico, who look at how the right won against a solid equality campaign; Pam on the “dying hog of homophobia”; Adam Bink, who was in the Protect Maine Equality war room on election night; and Andrew Sullivan, with whom I don’t always agree, but who says some smart things here, like “In my view, the desperate nature of the current tactics against us, the blatant use of fear around children (which both worries parents and also stigmatizes gay people in one, deft swoop) are signs that what we are demanding truly, truly matters.”

  Also worth a read is the piece at Bay Windows by Sue O’Connell who observes that we failed in Maine because: “Our message to protect our civil rights is about us, not about all of America. We’ve failed to make our cause a universal battle for civil rights. A message about us also defines the battle as one being waged against them.” Read the rest of this post »

“She Got Me Pregnant”: Episode 89

Helen and I bring you up to date on Scholastic’s refusal to carry a book with lesbian moms at its book fairs. The company has now made a step in the right direction, but is it enough? We also discuss Preacher’s Sons, a great new documentary showing five years in the lives of two gay dads and the five sons they adopt from California’s foster care system. Plus: If you think lesbian parenting is funny, you don’t know enough about wombats.

(If the embedded video above doesn’t work for you, try it at Dailymotion.)

Brought to you in partnership with After Ellen.

Did Soccer Moms Kick Out Equality in Maine?

Did suburban swing voters—Maine soccer moms—cost us marriage equality in Maine? Political blogger Matthew Gagnon (who leans right, but not too far) thinks so, and his argument makes some sense.

While the analysis is still coming in from Maine, it’s also worth noting that sixty-four percent of voters with children under 18 voted for California’s Prop 8, according to CNN exit polls. Among married voters with children, the yes votes rose to 68 percent. Only 44 percent of voters without children (and 45 percent of those married without children) voted for it.

Queerty, who first posted about Gagnon’s observations, suggests a strategy for the future: “If that’s true, maybe we should take a hint from huge marketers like General Mills and Nabisco: Knowing that moms make the decisions in heterosexual households, let’s cater our message to them.”

That also means we lesbian soccer moms will continue to have a critical role to play going forward. Hearts and minds are changed as much, if not more so, by personal encounters as by advertising. The next battle for marriage equality will be won on the soccer fields and playgrounds as much as on the airwaves. It will be won at the PTA meetings and potlucks where we show that we are part of the broader community, and casually mention how inequality affects our families.

Don your jerseys, folks. It’s game time.