Lesbian and Gay Parents Are Not Better—and That’s Okay

Everyone’s been asking the question. The New York Times: “Are Same-Sex Couples Better Parents?” The Advocate: “Gay Parents Better than Straight?” SF Gate: “Are same-sex couples better parents?” The Dallas Voice: “Do gays and lesbians make better parents?”

All were talking about the research in Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle, by Dr. Abbie Goldberg, which I discuss in my latest newspaper column.

Much as the competitive part of me would like to believe lesbians and gay men are better parents, it’s just not true. Goldberg clarified for me in an e-mail:

It is interesting that the media has suggested that the “take-home message” of my book is that gay parents are “better.” In fact, I would not make such a generalized statement — just as I would never say that heterosexual parents are ‘better’ (and nor should anyone else, in my opinion). Rather, the take-home message is that sexual orientation per se does not have much to do with one’s ability to parent, and the similarities between lesbian/gay and heterosexual parents outweigh the differences. Yes, there are some differences, and some could be interpreted as favoring same-sex couples ON AVERAGE — but it is important to emphasize that many of the characteristics that make (some) same-sex parents “special” (e.g., encouraging flexibility with regards to gender roles; engaging in a great deal of thoughtful preparation before becoming parents) also occur in some heterosexual parents.

Now, I know how media coverage works. Sometimes an editor adds an edgier title to a writer’s piece. Not all of the authors above interpret Goldberg’s work to mean that lesbian and gay parents are better. The casual reader might, however, assume so from the headlines.

On top of those articles come additional ones this week from the U.K.: “Lesbians make ‘better parents’, says senior parenting official,” according to the Telegraph. “Lesbians parents better at raising children,” states Times Online. In both cases, it is more than just the headlines that make the claim. Here is Times Online:

Stephen Scott, director of research at the National Academy for Parenting Practitioners, told a meeting last week that the latest research showed that children of such couples did better in life.

Speaking at the launch at the think tank Demos of a report on the influence of character on life, Scott said: “Lesbians make better parents than a man and a woman.”

I looked at the National Academy for Parenting Practitioners’ press release about the Demos report on character, and followed it to the Demos report (PDF). Much of the report was based on a new statistical analysis of the Millenium Cohort Study (MCS). The only reference to lesbian or gay parents in the report? This footnote:

In the case of same-sex partnerships, the MCS only contains eight same-sex partnerships at wave 2. This is not enough to estimate any reliable statistical information on the effects of being brought-up by two parents of the same sex on child behaviour (if any).

It’s time to stop the nonsense, folks.

No one has proven lesbian and gay parents are better, so let’s not imply that we are. That means you, parenting experts, journalists, and editors. At best, we can say that there are certain areas in which, on average (but not exclusively), we tend to have strengths. While it very much behooves us to repeat—loudly—the findings that show our parenting is no worse than that of any other parents, and is in many ways very similar, there are two very good reasons not to overstate matters:

Number one, LGBT-rights supporters often, and with good cause, bash the right for their sketchy science about LGBT families, or the sketchy conclusions they draw from good science. We need our science and our conclusions to be rock solid.

Number two, it is a waste of time to ponder the question, “Who makes better parents, LGBT or non-LGBT people”? It sets us up as competitors rather than seeing us as fellow travelers on this grand journey of parenting.

Number three, it puts pressure on us and our kids to be perfect or to hide any problems we might have, rather than acknowledge we are no less (and no more) flawed than any other families.

A better question than “Who is better?” might be, “Where are the strengths of different groups of parents, and what can we learn from each other?” That question, unlike the first, has the potential to benefit our children—and that’s really what it’s all about.

Addendum: The U.K. articles also reference research from Birkbeck College. I do not have access to the full article, but based on the abstract, it is impossible to say that one of its main conclusions is that lesbian parents are “better” than others. It says only that “Research on non-clinical samples of children raised in lesbian-led families formed after parental divorce, together with studies of children raised in families planned by a single lesbian mother or lesbian couple, suggest that growing up in a lesbian-led family does not have negative effects on key developmental outcomes. In many ways family life for children growing up in lesbian-led families is similar to that experienced by children in heterosexual families.

10 thoughts on “Lesbian and Gay Parents Are Not Better—and That’s Okay”

  1. Sometimes, I think there is actually greater pressure on LGBT parents to be the “best” because we are visible representatives of the greater community. As parents, we need to be allowed our imperfections and mistakes regardless of our sexual orientation. Parenting is hard enough without idealistic expectations.

  2. I totally agree, Vikki. The worst part is when LGBT parents then pass the pressure on to our kids to be the “best,” for the same reason. Fact is, we’ll have as many slackers and delinquents among our children as non-LGBT people, for the same range of reasons. Kids these days….

  3. I was pretty excited when I first read this story.
    Finally, something positive being said about us

    But then on diggging in you find that the story or research is neither pro nor anti lesbian

    In fact the conclusions I drew from it is that because of other factors i.e the difficculty faced by a lesbian couple trying to have children, a lesbian or gay couple who have children have fought rather hard to get them. SO of course the proportion of us that pay more attention will be higher

  4. I think you’re right, Dylan, in that our struggles to create and bind our families may mean we pay more attention to them–but we don’t have an exclusive on that, either. (One might say the same about a straight couple struggling with infertility, or a straight parent caught in a custody battle.)

    I also agree that from one perspective, the research is neither pro- nor anti-lesbian, in that it shows we are no better, but no worse, than any other parents. At the same time, even equating us with other parents is a big step, and to the extent that this research shows that, it is clearly pro-lesbian.

  5. Brava, as usual, Dana. I so appreciate every aspect of your argument here. I’ve appreciated it every time you have pointed this out — the problematic nature of idealizing our parenting, even if the defensive/promotional impulse is understandable. And I agree with the conclusion: that a better question ought to be, “What can we learn from one another so that we might help one another be better parents?” I’m with Vikki. This business is hard enough in the first place, before we pressure ourselves or our kids (if inadvertently) to be bigotry-busting exemplars.

  6. Excellent points! It’s good to see a piece done from an objective viewpoint.
    In short, it takes two well adjusted adults to love and train up a child, regardless of their gender pairing.

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