Two lesbian moms who had a child in Florida are in the midst of a custody battle with their known sperm donor. The donor, Ray Janssen, and his partner Craig were involved with the child’s life until the moms, Katherine Alicea and Ana Sobrino, moved to California. Janssen then sued them for custody. A Miami-Dade Circuit Court judge recently ruled that because there was no contract before birth, Janssen had “no rights.”
The Miami News says this is “perhaps the most unique custody battle in recent Florida history and maybe the most radical verdict.” In Florida, perhaps. It is not, however, the first case in the country in which a sperm donor has sued for custody. In 2007, for example, a donor in Texas, the uncle of the non-bio mom, sued the bio mom for custody after the couple split.
Whatever the legalities of the current case, the depth of the donor’s involvement, and the unwritten agreements among the parties, I think it is a cautionary tale to anyone considering using or being a known donor. Get your agreement in writing. Keep it current if your situation changes. HRC has some sample donor agreements, one for states where the bio mom’s partner can do a second-parent adoption, and one for states where she can’t. As HRC notes, however, these are only for informational purposes and may not apply in all states. Use them as a starting place for discussion, but see a lawyer. Yes, it sucks to have to pay the money for a donor agreement, but it’s cheaper than fighting in court down the road.
If all of this scares you enough that you want to consider an unknown donor, but would still like your children to be able to meet him at some point, you may want to find a sperm bank with “willing to be known” donors. These donors agree to let their biological offspring contact them when they (the children) turn 18. (See my interview with Sherron Mills, head of Pacific Reproductive Services, which has the largest number of willing-to-be-known donors in the U.S. Rainbow Flag Health Services, among others, also features such donors. I haven’t had personal experience with either of them, though.)
Anyone out there willing to share your experience with a known donor, good, bad, or otherwise?
Great point, Dana. Gotta get everything in writing while everyone is on the same page.
[...] Furthermore, she notes, the new law states that “a semen donor is not a parent unless he and the birth mother have an agreement in writing saying that he is.” Such legal clarity will help avoid problems like this. [...]
A valid point – I’m in NZ where the current legislation is quite clear that the genetic mother’s partner, whether male or female, is to be listed as legal parent on birth certificate. However, this leaves any donor dad in a very vulnerable position. We signed an agreement with the “dads”, but there is still a little tension about “dad’s” role & position. Working out the kinks now, but without an agreement we’d be in a nightmarish situation. Be as clear and realistic as you can be BEFORE you even think about concieving.
Then enjoy having a wonderful family!
I am a non-bio mom who is currently in the middle of a nasty court battle – state and other sensitive info withheld pending current litigation. My ex, upon my suit to establish 1/2 custody decided to pull our sperm donor in the mix to try and push my interests out. Disgusting, and heartless, I know. We did pay him for his sperm but did not write out any formal agreement. I’m confident with my case, but, the donor never would have been able to enter this realm had we established a clear, legal agreement. Honestly, I am most disappointed in my ex who is absolutely shameless in her efforts. It is absolutely the hugest betrayal I have ever felt in my life and not only to me but to for the lesbian and gay community to which I am a part of. I am going to write a book when this is all over and the title: How to tell if your ex partner really was gay.