However, we did choose a donor that approximated my (non-bio mom) ethnic background. I can’t say we did it in order to avoid my being read as the nanny — I don’t look like anyone’s possible profile of a childcare professional! But as it turns out, strangers have no trouble reading us as mother and son (or, for the less observant strangers, father and son… :-) ). That superficial similarity probably saves me a little bit of stress every day.

I have a vague and mixed ethnic identity: ancestors several generations back from England, Sweden, & Germany. But when I was growing up, we did talk about things like where our ancestors lived before they came to America, what their lives might have been like, and how that affects our holiday traditions, family recipes, and so on. Of course, we all ultimately came from Africa, but having some specifics makes the story of that journey more interesting to me.

So knowing the donor’s national heritage means that we can imagine something about his cultural and genetic heritage as well, if my son ever becomes interested in his genetic ancestors. I also think that what is TMI for me and my partner could be of interest to him, as he grows older.

What do other folks feel — has your choice of donor been significant to you and your kids, several years down the road? Do you ever go back to that big information packet, or do the kids just not care?

I conceived my son as a single parent, and I chose a donor that seemed healthy, intelligent, and with physical characteristics roughly similar to mine, which turned out to be someone with a different ethnic background. Fast forward 13 years, and my now-partner and I find it rather remarkable that the donor I chose is the same ethnic background she is, and in general I couldn’t have chosen a better match to her if I’d tried. So we joke about what my son got from her side of the family. And we like to think it’s one more sign we were meant to be together. :-)

Of course, we chose ours in large part because he was the guy who finally said yes. So, you know, there you go — lesbians can both as choosy and as indiscriminate as straight people! Who knew?! ;)

Strangely the bio-mom and the donor both had brown hair/brown eyes and our two children are blond and red haired and both have blue eyes. So much for the bio-engineering theory.