Parenthood and Personhood

Does becoming a parent mean giving up one’s personhood? Must one abandon any sense of wants, needs, or thoughts that aren’t about one’s kids? My answer is an unequivocal “no,” although I quickly add that there are certain things one must give up or change.

Terrance over at Bilerico has written a great post on “Post-Personhood Parenting,” in which he explores the reactions to a Newsweek column by a man who experienced depression after becoming a dad. It’s well worth a read, especially because I think LGBT parents in particular are prone to trying too hard to “prove” that we are good parents, and we risk losing our selves in the process. Not only that, but if we show our kids that the only way to become parents is to give up all of our own interests and needs, they may never want to have kids themselves. (If they choose not to have kids for other reasons, that’s fine, but I don’t think this should be one of them.)

While we’re on the subject of parenting, Gretchen Rubin’s HuffPo post, “Ten Ways to Be a More Light-Hearted Parent,” is full of good advice as well. I agree with all except “Wake up before your kids,” which would inevitably make me cranky and not at all light-hearted.

Finally, Rubin’s video [The Days Are Long, But] The Years Are Short should be required viewing for all parents.

“She Got Me Pregnant”: Episode 65

This week, Helen and I discuss how marriage equality in Vermont and Iowa affects families with kids, and, being coastal types, ask for ideas about family-friendly tourist attractions in Iowa.

We also talk about why this year’s White House Egg Roll broke new ground, and wonder what to do with the three tons of chocolate our son managed to collect over the holidays.

(Brought to you in partnership with After Ellen.)

Blog Reader Appreciation Day

Robin Reagler of The Other Mother is hosting her annual Blog Reader Appreciation Day today, which seems like a wonderful idea and a great reason to offer my appreciation to you, dear readers.

If a blog falls in a forest, and no one is there, it doesn’t make a sound. (Trees are still open for discussion.) You give this blog a reason for being, you share your experiences and insights to turn it into a community, and you constantly remind me of both the commonalities and the diversity of our experiences as lesbian moms (and extending outwards, as LGBT parents and parents in general).

Thank you.

Confess and Win

Author and mom Romi Lassally knows motherhood isn’t all smiling babies and roses. She’s compiled an entire bookful of funny, embarrassing, and outrageous admissions from moms all over the world, snack-sized bites of motherhood that may both help moms learn to laugh at themselves and send prospective parents running.

Better yet, Romi’s friend Brett Berk, aka “The Gay Uncle,” is giving away three copies of the book at his site. “All you have to do,” he says, “is confess to the most humiliating thing you’ve ever done to, with, at, or around your kid in your role as parent. Points will be given for originality, grotesqueness, and sheer chutzpah. The contest will run through the weekend.” Leave a comment on his site with your entry.

I’ll also point readers to Romi’s site Truu Confessions, where you can contribute anonymous confessions on motherhood, relationships, work, and other matters.

A little story about that site, in fact: A few weeks ago, Romi contacted me about her new book. When I went to her site, the image for the “Wife” category was a yellow diamond sign (like a road sign) with man and woman icons on it. I suggested she use something more inclusive, like a wedding cake or rings. Lo and behold, she goes the extra mile and now has an ambiguous photo of two women who could either be straight friends having a chat or married (legally or not) lesbians. Here’s to an ally who gets it.

I’m sure she’d love confessions from lesbian moms, whether on general parenting matters or lesbian-specific ones. Examples (completely fictitious, to the best of my knowledge): “I reset all the clocks in the house to get the kids to bed early the night of the L Word finale.” “After the guy next to us at a restaurant asked, ‘Who’s the real mom?’ I dumped salt in his coffee when he got up to use the restroom.”

Two Pregnant Lesbians Walk Into a Kitchen . . .

Life & Style magazine is featuring a story about Iron Chef Cat Cora and her partner Jennifer Cora, complete with the cutest photo of the two of them simultaneously pregnant. (Jennifer in fact gave birth to the couple’s third son last week.)

I haven’t read the whole article myself (not all of it is online), but After Ellen reports that they discuss the ups and downs of dual pregnancy hormones, food cravings, and sharing maternity clothes.

Now if only mainstream magazines would stop using the phrase “longtime partner.” Or start using the phrases “longtime husband” and “longtime wife” when referring to opposite-sex couples. Oh, wait. Life & Style is an entertainment magazine. There aren’t that many longtime opposite-sex couples in the entertainment industry. Sigh.

Not Just a Gay Issue

“It’s not just a gay issue,” said Sirdeaner Walker, mother of 11-year-old Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, who committed suicide last week after months of anti-gay taunts. “It’s bigger.”

The Advocate has a long interview with Walker. It’s an emotionally tough read, but worth it.

I mentioned in my roundup yesterday that GLSEN’s upcoming National Day of Silence on April 17, when students raise awareness of anti-LGBT bullying, made the tragedy even more poignant. The Advocate adds that April 17 would have been Walker-Hoover’s birthday. He’ll never blow out those 12 candles.

His death was needless, but let us hope it will at least help to raise awareness of why we must all work to stop bullying. Of course, I said the same thing about Lawrence King last year. How many more children must die before we as a society get a clue?

(Thanks, Pam.)

Charitable Deductions Warm You Twice

It’s tax day here in the U.S. My spouse Helen has a new post up at Queercents, in which she looks at how to maximize your tax deduction if you make charitable contributions. Never too late to start planning for the coming year, I say.

She also explains how the current lack of federal recognition for married same-sex couples actually benefits those of us taking capital losses. Let’s face it, most of us with any kind of investments had losses in 2008. If the government wants to cut us a break, I say let’s take it while we can.

(And no, Helen’s not promising to make dinner every time I blog about one of her posts. Although there is a pile of laundry that needs folding. . . .)

What Do You Dislike Most About Tax Time?

Complete the sentence (leave a comment):

The thing I dislike most about tax time is . . .

Me? Checking that damn “Single” box, when I’m not. Followed closely by the income tax Helen pays on the health insurance coverage that her company provides to me, and the lack of spousal IRA contributions for same-sex couples.