Enough Already!

Lesbian mom? Split up? Fine, things didn’t work out, but don’t go trying to pretend your former partner and co-parent wasn’t a parent. There’s entirely too much of that going around.

  • The Salt Lake City Weekly just reported on Gena Edvalson and Jana Dickson, who are in exactly this situation. Dickson is the bio mom, now married to a man. Edvalson, the non-bio mom, has no legal rights to the child—except that she and Dickson both signed a co-parenting agreement. It is unclear whether this carries any weight under Utah law.
  • The Montana Supreme Court is considering a similar case, though without a co-parenting contract between the women. The bio mom has enlisted the help of the conservative Alliance Defense Fund, and claims to be no longer a lesbian.
  • A New York state appeals court recently ruled against a non-bio mom claiming custody rights over the child who was born to her partner after the two women had a civil union in Vermont.
  • In 2007, the Utah Supreme Court ruled that parents do not have the right to visitation with non-biological children. The ruling stemmed from a custody case instigated by an ex-lesbian mom, working with an anti-gay legal organization. The non-bio mom, Keri Jones, said she will not appeal the ruling, explaining that she feared a federal court would rule the same way, and “Having that kind of ruling on a national level would be horrific.”
  • Also in 2007, a Georgia mother tried to revoke the state’s second-parent adoption laws in order to prevent her ex-partner from custody. The Advocate reported she is “rethinking her sexuality.” The Georgia Supreme Court declined to hear the case.
  • A mom in Ohio in 2007 tried to use the state’s ban on same-sex marriage to deny her ex-partner visitation, saying the ban also invalidated the right to co-parent. Not exactly an “ex-gay” case—but if we could revoke someone’s toaster oven. . . .
  • Then there’s the interminable Jenkins vs. Miller case, again with an “ex-lesbian” bio mom.

Fine. So you’ve split up. So you’re no longer a lesbian. Or maybe you are. It doesn’t matter. Having continuing and connection with the two people who raised them is in the best interests of the children.

Unless there’s some major psychological issue that would make one person unfit to parent, as determined by legitimate medical professionals, there’s no reason to pursue sole custody, especially if you do so by attacking the fitness of LGBT parents as a whole. That affects the lives of more families than your own, and is a betrayal of the worst type.

17 thoughts on “Enough Already!”

  1. Mother of G-o-d.

    In the pantheon of unholy bedfellows, ex-lesbians and homophobic organizations like Alliance Defense Fund are among the unholiest.

    The sooner a higher court, like, oh, the Supreme Court rules on this (isn’t one of these cases headed there?), the better. Presuming they’re up to date on all the APA and American Academy of Pediatrics and others’ data that wacky folks like the Iowa and California Supreme Courts used to help guide their decisions that same-sex headed families are no more nor less healthy than any others.

    Love the post title.

  2. … and also to the non-bio mom: if it’s legal in your state, do the second-parent adoption. Yes, we don’t know for sure that the courts would uphold it but don’t you think your interest (and those of the child) will be much more upheld with than without the adoption?

    In my case, it wasn’t even that I didn’t trust my wife. I don’t believe she’d ever become ex-gay or whatever but I certainly don’t trust my in-laws.

  3. This burns me up too. It’s like they’re betraying not only their own family but our whole community, in public.

    I think it is an example of a larger problem, that parents who split up sometimes use a child as a weapon against each other. Even if they have to betray deeply held principles to do so.

    Again, it seems like we can’t live up to a more noble standard than everyone else.

  4. Pingback: Enough Already! « The Lost Mom

  5. Thanks for the post. I’m the non-bio mom in the Utah case. What that article didn’t mention is that the judge ordered my ex to give me weekly visitation until he rules on the contract case (I hadn’t seen my son in almost a year!). It was a small but important victory here in Utah. I linked your webpage to my blog at thelostmom.wordpress.com. Thanks again.

  6. Unfortunately, my ruling in Utah has given some kind of permission to these “ex-gay” moms. And like Theresa said, we aren’t just hurting our own children, we’re hurting the entire community.
    Luckily, we have some pretty great Judges here. The problem is they’re not supported by policy so the higher it gets, the worse off we are.
    I think we’re headed in a good direction right now and we have some amazing attorney’s willing to fight the good fight.

  7. Thanks for your comment, Gena, and for letting us know the progress of your case. I was just reading your blog and realizing that while I can report on cases like yours, I cannot possibly know what it is like to lose a child like you have. I am glad you are now at least getting visitation. Best of luck as your case moves forward.

  8. I think part of what’s so upsetting is that its people who are theorectically part of our community using straight priviledge to their advantage, taking advantage of discrimination. I’m not sure what’s worse if they really feel like they are no longer gay- a product of internalized homophobia, or if they are just using prejudice to get what they want and they really are gay, now that’s twisted…

  9. I’d like to add my case, Riley v Sica to this list. We’ve been going strong since 2004. As in Miller v Jenkins, Liberty Counsel is my “no-longer-lesbian” ex’s legal representation. She moved away to Texas when our daughter was 3 and until this past year I hadn’t seen our daughter since she was 5 months old. Like Isabella, our daughter turned a year older this April – she is now 6. I am now a legal parent (have been since she was 3) and have court-ordered visitation in Houston, where they moved. My ex is currently challenging everything that has been thusfar determined by the courts and custody evaluations, etc with an appeal (the 3rd in this case already), which I attended yesterday. My lawyers were amazing, as always. LIBERTY COUNSEL was poorly represented, as always!!

    Great article about our first appeal in 2006:

    http://newyorklawschool.typepad.com/leonardlink/2006/06/first_applicati.html

  10. Hi, Charisma! Thanks for sharing your story. I had a bad feeling there were more such cases than I originally listed. Good to hear you have visitation now. My son is about the same age as your daughter–I can’t imagine going through what you have. I hope things work out for the best for all of you.

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