Enough Already!

Lesbian mom? Split up? Fine, things didn’t work out, but don’t go trying to pretend your former partner and co-parent wasn’t a parent. There’s entirely too much of that going around.

• The Salt Lake City Weekly just reported on Gena Edvalson and Jana Dickson, who are in exactly this situation. Dickson is the bio mom, now married to a man. Edvalson, the non-bio mom, has no legal rights to the child—except that she and Dickson both signed a co-parenting agreement. It is unclear whether this carries any weight under Utah law.
• The Montana Supreme Court is considering a similar case, though without a co-parenting contract between the women. The bio mom has enlisted the help of the conservative Alliance Defense Fund, and claims to be no longer a lesbian.
• A New York state appeals court recently ruled against a non-bio mom claiming custody rights over the child who was born to her partner after the two women had a civil union in Vermont.
• In 2007, the Utah Supreme Court ruled that parents do not have the right to visitation with non-biological children. The ruling stemmed from a custody case instigated by an ex-lesbian mom, working with an anti-gay legal organization. The non-bio mom, Keri Jones, said she will not appeal the ruling, explaining that she feared a federal court would rule the same way, and “Having that kind of ruling on a national level would be horrific.”
• Also in 2007, a Georgia mother tried to revoke the state’s second-parent adoption laws in order to prevent her ex-partner from custody. The Advocate reported she is “rethinking her sexuality.” The Georgia Supreme Court declined to hear the case.
• A mom in Ohio in 2007 tried to use the state’s ban on same-sex marriage to deny her ex-partner visitation, saying the ban also invalidated the right to co-parent. Not exactly an “ex-gay” case—but if we could revoke someone’s toaster oven. . . .
• Then there’s the interminable Jenkins vs. Miller case, again with an “ex-lesbian” bio mom.

Fine. So you’ve split up. So you’re no longer a lesbian. Or maybe you are. It doesn’t matter. Having continuing and connection with the two people who raised them is in the best interests of the children.

Unless there’s some major psychological issue that would make one person unfit to parent, as determined by legitimate medical professionals, there’s no reason to pursue sole custody, especially if you do so by attacking the fitness of LGBT parents as a whole. That affects the lives of more families than your own, and is a betrayal of the worst type.

“She Got Me Pregnant”: Episode 67

This week’s vlog is brought to you by the letter “I” as Helen and I discuss marriage in Iowa and the lesbian mom now governing Iceland. How does the Icelandic patronymic system work when a child has two moms? Moving to avian matters, we highlight a pair of female swans who have cared for eggs together, and the chicken that forms the basis for a children’s book on microfinance in Ghana.

(If the embedded video above doesn’t work, try it here.)

Brought to you in partnership with After Ellen.

HRC Releases “Introduction to Welcoming Schools” Guide

The recent suicides of two young boys after repeated bullying at school have made many of us, myself included, wonder what we could do. One of the ways the HRC Foundation Family Project has responded is to push up the May release of its “Introduction to Welcoming Schools” guide, “An Inclusive Approach to Addressing Family Diversity, Gender Stereotyping and Name-Calling in K-5 Learning Environments.” It is now available at the Welcoming Schools Web site, and chock-full of resources, ideas, exercises, and additional reading suggestions.

I covered the project when it first launched as a pilot program over a year ago. I’m pleased to hear that it has only gotten better after tests in New Bedford, Mass., and urban locations in the Midwest and West Coast.

Ellen Kahn, director of the Family Project, explains:

The new [online] publication includes findings from the first year of the pilot (12 schools in 3 districts thus far) and is essentially a scaled-down version of the full Guide—a primer, you might say. This is a great resource for LGBT parents, educators, and all concerned adults who are part of K-5 environment who want to more effectively address LGBT diversity/inclusion as part of their broader approach to anti-bullying/safe schools/character-development programs and curricula.

As Lawrence J. Finnerty, Ed.D., Retired Assistant Superintendent of the New Bedford Public Schools, said in his introduction to the Guide, “To expect that students will know how to handle issues related to teasing, gender stereotyping and bullying without specific, well-informed instruction is folly.” The Welcoming Schools Guide is one of the best places I’ve found for parents and educators to learn how to provide just that.

For even more safe-schools materials, see my Back-to-School Resource List.

LGBT Parenting Roundup

Our stories told:

• Author, parent, and transgender woman Jennifer Finney Boylan recently told her story of transitioning in the New York Times’s column, “Modern Love.” Thanks to Family Equality for pointing out the piece.
• The 2009 Pride and Joy Families Weekend Conference in upstate New York was a big success, according to the Utica Observer-Dispatch. Brian and Steven at Green Dads offer an inside look into their experiences at the event.
• Family Equality points out recent stories featuring LGBT families in Iowa, Illinois, and Minnesota papers.

Political and legal issues: Read the rest of this post »

Action Alert: Call Your Rep Today About Tomorrow’s Vote on Hate Crimes Bill

The U.S. House will vote on the Matthew Shepard Act, aka the Hate Crimes Bill, aka the Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act tomorrow.

HRC reports that the far right is “flooding Congress with calls, emails and sickening ‘fact sheets’ claiming that sexual orientation means criminal acts like bestiality and necrophilia, and that this bill protects those behaviors. Shame on them.”

HRC has organized a national call-in campaign today. Even if you aren’t a member of HRC, or don’t support them, I urge you to take action on this bill.

Take less than one minute (literally! I timed it!) to do the following today. (The below is a slightly modified version of the information HRC sent to me.)

1. Before 5 p.m. ET, call your rep’s office. Look it up here or call the Capitol switchboard at (202) 224-3121 and ask for your rep by name.
2. Most likely, one of your rep’s interns will answer and ask where you’re calling from and why. You’re calling to urge the Representative to vote for the Matthew Shepard Act (H.R. 1913). Most calls end right there. [My rep's intern also asked for my address so the rep could write back to me.] But if you like, you can add:
• Hate crimes against lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people are on the rise. One out of every six hate crimes is because of the victim’s sexual orientation.
• Hate crimes have more than one victim. They are intended to create an atmosphere of fear and terrorize entire communities.
• The Matthew Shepard Act targets only violent acts – not speech. It does not tell any clergy member what he or she can or can’t preach.
• Mention that your rep’s vote on this bill will affect your future support.
3. [Via HRC] IMPORTANT: After you hang up, click here to let HRC know that you made the call. This helps them track progress of this effort.

Sexy Lesbian Moms in New York

Oh, the search engines are going to have a field day with that title . . . but I’m really just passing along this information about an event of possible interest to lesbian moms (and prospective moms) in New York City. Please contact them (not me) if you have questions.

Babeland, a mission-driven boutique retailer of quality sex toys and accessories, has a popular Sexy Moms Series of events at our Brooklyn store in NYC. Every month we have a different discussion group about issues related to sex and parenthood. This month the topic is Lesbian Parenting.

Sexy Moms Series: Lesbian Parenting
Wednesday, April 29, 7:00pm, free
Babeland Brooklyn, 462 Bergen Street

This month’s event will feature Lauren Abrams, a community health center midwife from Park Slope, who will speak about her experience as a lesbian partner raising two children. She’ll discuss navigating the medical world as a lesbian couple, communication between the birth and non-birth mother, changing desires, “donor dads,” taboos, etc. Babeland Co-Founder, Claire Cavanah, will also speak about her experience as a single lesbian mom. Complimentary refreshments will be served. The Sexy Moms Series is jointly sponsored by the New Space for Women’s Health. www.newspacenyc.org

Family Voices: Interlude

After 10 interviews, we’re taking a break this week in the Family Voices series. We have a few additional couples who have said they would contribute to this non-U.S. phase of the series, but have not yet received their responses. We’ll put them up if we get them, never fear. (If you haven’t contacted us yet to participate, but would like to do so, please drop me a note.)

Many thanks to my colleague for this round of interviews, Julieta of Ju, An y el Perro Activista, whose connections with the international community of LGBT parents (especially Spanish-speaking ones) are far greater than mine.

Happy Marriage, Iowans!

A very happy first day of legal marriage to the same-sex couples in Iowa who are getting hitched today, and a special congratulations to the children whose parents can now marry.

It is worth noting, of course, that these marriages become worthless as soon as the families cross state lines or have anything to do with the federal government. Non-biological parents should still do a second-parent adoption in order to have their parentage recognized in other jurisdictions. Still, this is an important and welcome first step, won through a lot of hard work by a lot of people. Enjoy the victory, and enjoy your cake!

If you are marrying in Iowa, today or in the near future, leave a comment and tell us your story!