Prop 8 Protests and Parenting

In our vlog last Thursday, Helen and I spoke about whether to take kids to the recent LGBT rallies and protests. I also wrote an article about kids and protests, which appeared today on 365gay.com. In it, I look not only at the question of whether to take kids (short answer: it depends on the kids), but also at the difficulties of balancing parenting and activism.

If you’ve gone to protests with your children, what were your experiences there? How did your kids respond to the event (and how old are they)? If you chose not to take them, why not? Have you become more or less active in the LGBT movement (or others) since becoming a parent? In what ways?

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6 Responses to “Prop 8 Protests and Parenting”

1. 
   Jennifer
   on Nov 25th, 2008
   @ 2:17 am: 

   I have been to five demonstrations since November 1. So far I have only taken my children to two of them. The first one that I went to was the Sunday before election day, it was the largest demonstration that has occurred locally. I did not take my children (ages 2 and 8 months) to that demonstration because I was concerned about counter-protestors and I expected things to get ugly. Fortunately they did not, but with the ages of my children it is a bit impractical to take them both out for an event like that (especially if I’m going by myself). My children did accompany my wife and I at a post-election candlelight vigil that was held at our church and the demonstration held at our City Hall on November 15. I made my toddler her own sign, we told her we were going to the park, many of her friends from church were there and for all she knew it was just another trip to the park.

   At every demonstration I have been to (including Sacramento, November 9) there have been an astounding number of strollers and BabyBjorn-wearing protestors. I truly believe that LGBT-parents are a huge reason for the intensity and success of the protests and for the increased numbers of straight allies among the throngs. Look, you can say what you want about me and my wife but when you put a bumper sticker on your car, or a yard sign in your front lawn that says “Protect Families” (or some other variation on the theme) you are implying that there is something inherently “bad” about not just me and my wife–but our children.

   Eight years ago, my wife and I were a young couple, no kids. Prop 22 pissed us off, but it was the price of being gay. This time around it is much, much different. Not just for us, but for our families who are not just parents and siblings anymore, but grandparents and aunts and uncles and they are sick and tired of seeing our family demonized by lies and bigotry.

   I don’t feel the attacks of Prop 8 as a lesbian, I feel them as a mother, a mother who will do anything I have to do to protect my family. When I relate my impressions on the marriage equality issue to other people in those terms, it is a hell of lot more convincing than if I just try to convince them that this is some modern day equivalent to ’60’s civil rights (even though I think that is exactly what it is).

   I sit in a support group for parents of children with special needs, I was asked how I was holding up during the last week of the campaign. I spun the question back around and asked how the other parents would feel if the value of their family were on a ballot, about to be voted on (and probably down) by the rest of the state. I asked how they would feel if every yellow yard sign they passed on their way to support group was promoting the eradication of their family. I asked how they would like to be able to go online at any time of the day and check to see what the latest public opinion polls had to say about the acceptability of their families. I didn’t have to answer the question “how I was holding up,” they could answer it for themselves.

   I have friends who’s advocacy has come at a much higher cost than mine (‘Google’ “Robin McGehee”), but not one would say that it isn’t worth it. This is about the world my kids will grow up in. For my mother, it is about the world her grandchildren will grow up in. I truly believe that it is the children of LGBT families who will be the “tipping point” in this argument and they should not be excluded. In fact, I believe that it was the exclusion of LGBT families from the NoOn8 campaign that cost us the election. The other side was allowed to frame the debate as being about children and families and protecting both and we did absolutely nothing to counter that, much less remind people that we have families and children too–and that ours are really the only ones being threatened at the moment.

   I’m not going to drag my kids to every protest, I will take them when it is convenient to do so, when it is practical, when I have some control over the environment and am as sure as one can be that they will be safe. Since the election I have already volunteered my family as “research subjects” for a university research project and I will continue to seek out opportunities for my family to serve as “educational models” of what LGBT families look like.

   One of the more popular, and compelling, arguments used by our opponents is that the family is the bedrock unit of civilization and must be protected at all costs. Yet they conveniently ignore the fact that gay and lesbian people have families too–and too often we let them get away with doing so. Homosexuals do not emerge from a pod full-grown and queer. We have parents and relatives who love us, and we are also loving parents. But time and again our “leadership” has practically conceded the point because our families don’t “test well” in focus groups. I think the reason LGBT families don’t test well in focus groups is because we bring people face to face with the illogical prejudice of their own opinions and that makes them uncomfortable. Good! That’s how you change minds.

   We have to take over the “pro-family” argument from our opponents, we are far more credible (and consistent) on the subject than they are–plus– we have reams of scientific research supporting the fact that the only detrimental difference between straight and LGBT-headed families is the effect of the discrimination suffered by the latter at the hands of the former. You want to talk about strengthening, protecting, and preserving the family? You want to be “pro-family”? Then you have to be on our side, you cannot assume that mantel and then attack and marginalize LGBT families.

   So, in conclusion, I absolutely think that LGBT families should continue to be visible and active in the struggle ahead. I hope and trust that people will be responsible with their children and never put activism ahead of the well-being of their children. But as a mother, I refuse to go back into the HRC’s gay-family-closet.

   Nobody puts my baby in a corner.

2. 
   Polly
   on Nov 25th, 2008
   @ 3:38 pm: 

   Basically, everything that Jennifer said.

   Couldn’t possibly improve on it, and the story’s basically the same for me.

   [Minor detailing re taking the kids: b/c my partner's work hours have conflicted with many/most protests, and we can't do w/out her income, my questions about bringing kids revolve around whether I can manage the two of them -- 1.75 yrs & 4 -- as well as the ones Jennifer notes above, regarding an estimate of whether and how ugly the rally might get, with the presence of counter-demonstrators. Since every demo/rally has been me going solo or w/ a friend, I've not taken them. Pride is challenge enough, frankly, and our 4 yr old doesn't like the huge crowds & huge noise (rather like her Baba).]

   But, as to everything else: ditto Jennifer. Beautifully put.

3. 
   Uncle Roger
   on Nov 25th, 2008
   @ 5:01 pm: 

   I’m not normally overly politically active (living in San Francisco, I don’t usually need to be), but Prop 8 has gotten me to put up posters (something I don’t think I’ve ever done) at home and in the cars, donate money, and attend the protest on the 15th. I’ve also written about it on my personal journal and as often as I could get it in on ParentDish. More to the point, I’ve talked with my kids about it.

   They understand how prop 8 affects us — a straight family: Similar laws might have prevented my parents from marrying (catholic and jewish), or several sets of aunts and uncles (black/white, philippina/white, etc.). More to the point, they know that their friend Timmy’s dads wouldn’t be allowed to get married now. They know that that’s simply not fair. (And while I make a point of teaching them that life itself isn’t fair, it IS our responsibility to make it as fair as we can.)

   So, on the 15th, my son Jared (six years old) and I hopped on the streetcar to go downtown to the protest. His take on it — he was thirsty. (I was rather unprepared, I’m afraid.) Other than that, surrounded by same-sex couples and families, he didn’t even seem to notice. It was a bit boring for him (he liked climbing on the statue (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/c/a/2008/11/16/MNIA145AQ9.DTL&o=10) near us and liked it when the sprinklers came on) but he held up well and proudly held up a flyer someone had handed us saying “Take it Back!” and (iirc) “Restore Equality” in big letters.

   We couldn’t really hear the speeches, but I think it was really important for him to be a part of it. If my daughter hadn’t had dance class, she would have been there too. I’d like to think that my kids are growing up thinking that discrimination of any sort is utterly wrong and that sexual orientation is not something on which you judge a person. I also want them to learn that they need to stand up for others even when they themselves are not being wronged.

4. 
   Uncle Roger
   on Nov 25th, 2008
   @ 5:04 pm: 

   Oops… just to clarify… that picture is neither me (I don’t look anywhere near that good) or my son; that’s the statue Jared climbed on. We met that couple and they were very nice. I thought it fitting (or maybe ironic) that it was a statue of Lincoln.

5. 
   S
   on Nov 25th, 2008
   @ 6:47 pm: 

   My son and I didn’t attend the recent Prop 8 protest, mainly for logistical reasons (partner had to work, protest location we’d planned to go to was canceled at the last minute, etc.) Instead we attended our local peace vigil, which we’ve done most Saturdays for the last few years. My son is definitely a protesting pro.

   In talking with my son, I was surprised to learn that he had concerns about attending an LGBT protest for safety reasons. We get confronted fairly regularly at the peace vigil, once by someone who really frightened my son, and he’s heard enough about anti-LGBT sentiment to fear standing at an LGBT protest would be even worse. I could have reassured him over that hurdle, but combined with the logistical issues, attending the protest just wasn’t going to happen on that particular day. I’m sure we’ll attend something else in the future, though.

6. 
   Deborah
   on Nov 25th, 2008
   @ 8:54 pm: 

   Protests & Pride. For years before children, I fantasized about the day I could take my kids to Pride. They’d dance to the music and celebrate with our community, and we’d be out, loud and proud together…until we took our first kid to Pride and he threw up on his I LOVE MY MOMMIES T-shirt, and we realized that our fantasy would remain just that…for now. I’m sure that the day will come when we don’t have to think about naps or diapers or crowds or strollers, but until then, protests and Pride with children are on the backburner for us. It has definitely been a struggle for us to stay active with small children, but we do what we can without hitting the pavement.

   I’m excited about the time in which we live. Prop 8 has us all fired up, and the time is finally right for change. I agree with Jennifer that we are part of a movement much like the Civil Rights movement, and there’s lots to do for those of us who can’t get a babysitter to protest. I might have to stay off for now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be a part of this movement.

   That being said, I have very fond memories of taking back the night and marches on Washington. I still have my Lesbian Avengers t-shirt from twen…I mean many years ago! Good times.