“She Got Me Pregnant”: Episode 29

Helen and I don tie-dye this week to celebrate the California marriage ruling. We then share various ways to include children in weddings or commitment ceremonies. With many same-sex couples having ceremonies after they have kids, it’s important to help young ones understand what the occasion is about, and make them feel a part of the proceedings (though you might want to dissuade them if they suggest having the ceremony at Chuck E. Cheese).

A big thanks to Gayle Smalley, the JP who performed our wedding ceremony and gave us many of the ideas we discuss in the vlog.

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New York Times Clueless About Lesbians

Deborah Solomon recently interviewed actor and lesbian mom Cynthia Nixon in the New York Times Magazine. Jessica at Feministing, however, notes the general cluelessness of the questions. The interview starts out all right:

A few years ago, you moved in with a woman, after leaving the father of your children. Do you find it easier living with a woman than a man because you have more in common? I think you do have more in common.

You can use the same bathroom in movie theaters, for instance. That’s absolutely true!

. . . but ventures into dangerous territory with:

Can you share clothes? No. Christine doesn’t wear women’s clothes; she only wears men’s clothes. She won’t even wear any kind of women’s shoes. I bought her a pair of cowboy boots that were from the women’s department, and she was like, “Don’t do this again.”

. . . because Nixon’s answer clearly sends Solomon down the long road of stereotypes:

Does she watch sports on TV? She does. We don’t have a TV. But when there was a World Cup, we went to the local Ruby Foo’s and watched it. And we actually did watch the Super Bowl as well. She tried to explain it to me.

. . . and it gets worse:

Do you think of her as the male figure in the relationship? No, I don’t at all. Look at what’s happening now. She’s at home with the kids, and I’m the one out pounding the pavement. . . . She’s for Hillary, and I’m for Obama.

Yes, most of us know at least one woman who wears men’s clothes, likes to watch sports, and whose gender identity veers into male territory. For every lesbian like that, though, there are plenty who blur the lines. A suit-wearing butch who hates sports; a femme who loves basketball. Not to mention all the couples where neither would identify as the “male figure.”

Perhaps there’s some value to the questions, though—or, more accurately, to Nixon’s answers, because they might help dispel a few myths about lesbian relationships. What do you think? (Personally, I’m all for starting a fund to send Solomon to Women’s Week in P’Town, or at least to a WNBA game.)

Which State Will Be Next?

Let’s take another poll:

Penguin Chick Has Two Moms

Tango had two dads. Now, an unnamed Little Blue Penguin at the New England Aquarium has two moms.

Okay, that’s a bit misleading to readers of this blog. I had the same misconception, though, when I read the headline “Penguin ‘mothers’ make daily care a labor of love” in today’s Boston Globe. The article explains:

For the past few weeks, [Caitlin] Hume and fellow New England Aquarium biologist Heather Urquhart have been mothering a 22-ounce Little Blue Penguin that was rejected by its parents after a difficult hatching.

Each night, the two surrogate moms delicately pack the baby—covered in soft, gray-blue down —into a plastic cooler. Inside, the bird rests comfortably, swaddled in a white towel for the car ride home, oblivious to Boston’s rush-hour traffic.

Hume and Urquhart are not, to the best of my knowledge, in a relationship with each other. In fact, Urquhart “admits to a little separation anxiety when it’s Hume’s turn to take the chick home.” Still, I had a pleasant moment of thinking about Little Blue and Tango showing up as special guests at a national COLAGE conference.

On a related note, Fox News, of all places, has an article today citing a zoologist who claims “about 1,500 animal species are known to practice same-sex coupling, including bears, gorillas, flamingos, owls, salmon and many others.” It notes, however, “One thing that does seem to be exclusive to humans is homophobia.”

A Win for Family Fairness in the U.K.

MP’s in the U.K. today defeated a proposed addition to the Government’s Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill that would have required fertility clinics to consider a child’s “need for a father” before providing services to lesbians and single women.

Clinics are required to consider the “welfare of the [potential] child”, but the new bill says they only have to do so by weighing the need for “supportive parenting.” Conservatives wanted to say “supportive parenting and a father or a male role model.”

Of course, none of them proposed taking children away from mothers who became single via divorce or death of a spouse, or required that fathers or male role models pass some test to prove they were indeed worthy, beyond merely having the right chromosomes. You know the arguments. . . . At least wiser heads prevailed this time.

Non-Bio Mom Not De Facto in Maryland

First, let’s revisit some good news about parental rights: Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders (GLAD) is the New England LGBT legal organization best known for its leading role in achieving marriage equality for same-sex couples in Massachusetts. Mary Bonauto, Civil Rights Project Director for GLAD, was also lead counsel in Goodridge v. Dept. of Public Health, the case that established the right of same-sex couples to marry. Bonauto had a distinguished career even before Goodridge, however. In a 1993 case, Adoption of Susan, Bonauto argued before the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court and won the right for the unmarried partner of a child’s biological parent to become a legal parent through second-parent adoption without the biological parent giving up his or her rights. The plaintiffs went on to become plaintiffs in Goodridge, and Bonauto won a case last year establishing second-parent adoptions in Maine as well.

Adoption of Susan is GLAD’s “Case of the Month” in celebration of the organization’s 30th anniversary. Their Web site has more of the story (including a podcast), along with links to other resources on adoption by same-sex couples in Massachusetts and elsewhere.

On a less happy note, the Maryland Court of Appeals today ruled that “after the end of an 18 year relationship that included raising a five year old child together, the mom whose name was on the child’s adoption decree could exclude the mom whose name wasn’t on the decree from the child’s life. The court said that a ‘de facto’ parent has no more ability that a grandparent, babysitter, teacher . . . or stranger to receive custody or visitation rights,” as Nancy Polikoff wrote today at Bilerico.

The Maryland Daily Record explains it this way: Read the rest of this post »

Vermont Author Writes Teen Novel of First Love

(Originally published in Bay Windows, May 15, 2008.)

“It’s the book I wish I’d read when I was 13,” says Vermont writer Jennifer McMahon about her new young adult book, My Tiki Girl (Dutton/Penguin: May 2008). “I wish I had a time machine to send it back to my 13-year-old self. When I fell in love with my best friend at 13, I thought I was the only freakish one in the world who ever had these feelings, and I felt completely alone and isolated. This is a book I wish I’d had then.”

McMahon, a best-selling author of adult fiction, has written a captivating story of outsiders and first love. The protagonist, Maggie Keller, lost her mother in a car accident two years ago and blames herself. The friends she used to have now seem shallow. They can’t understand the transformation she has undergone. Instead of the popular girl she was in junior high, she enters tenth grade as an outcast with a shattered leg. She befriends the new girl in class, Dahlia Wainwright, also on the social margins, who is dealing with a mentally ill mother and the challenges of being part of a poor family in a rich town.

The two girls find adventure with Dahlia’s mother and brother through elaborate games of alternate identities and make-believe. A crisis looms, however, when Maggie finds herself falling for Dahlia at the same time that friends from her previous life start to impinge upon her new world. The book distinguishes itself not only by its focus on a same-sex relationship, but by its sensitive treatment of how the lure of normalcy can cause people to make different choices. “I think the outsiderness of the characters in the book isn’t just about coming to terms with their sexuality,” McMahon explains. “Being a teenager is hard, no matter what you’re dealing with. Gay, straight, whatever.” Read the rest of this post »

This Day In History

Two days ago, California became the second state to legalize marriage of same-sex couples. Today marks the fourth anniversary of the first legal marriages of same-sex couples in Massachusetts; the 54th anniversary of Brown v. Board of Education, and the 18th anniversary of when the World Health Organization removed homosexuality from its list of mental illnesses (one factor in the declaration of May 17 as International Day Against Homophobia).

It’s the first day of the WNBA season.

And my son got his first two-wheeled bike today.

Thus do our lives zoom from the macro to the micro, the political to the personal. I won’t deny that we still have many political hurdles ahead, that the NY Liberty may yet again fail to win a championship, nor that my son may yet fuss at bedtime. For one brief moment, though, all’s right with the world.

Weekly Political Roundup: California Edition

The good folks at Bilerico are, not surprisingly, all over this like bridesmaids on a bouquet. Among them:

• Karen Ocamb has quotes from a number of luminaries, including Gov. Schwarzenegger, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, Shannon Minter, Legal Director for the National Center for Lesbian Rights, and Phyllis Lyon, one of the plaintiffs. Lyon, 83, and her partner Del Martin, 87, have been together 56 years. Ocamb also recaps the history of the case, but warns of a difficult future: “LGBT groups have to now raise between $15-20 million – during this very important election season and an economically-strapped economy – to counter the $15-20 million the Protect Marriage forces intend to shell out.”
• Nancy D. Polikoff, author of Beyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage: Valuing All Families under the Law also urges caution, not only because of a possible ballot initiative to change the state constitution, but also because “giving same-sex couples access to the “special rights” of marriage has a downside for those in the LGBT community who don’t marry, and we have four years of marriage in Massachusetts to prove it.”
• Ellen Anderson breaks down the legal reasoning of the Court, but ends her piece by noting “Right now, I’m off to celebrate the decision by picking up my daughter from her play date.” (Lambda Legal also has a legal analysis.)

Elsewhere: Read the rest of this post »

Ellen and Portia to Marry

Ellen DeGeneres announced on her show this morning that she and Portia De Rossi are getting married, now that it is legal in California. Her audience is enthusiastic, to say the least. She didn’t go into details about the event, but I think it’s safe to say there will be dancing.

The unfortunate rumor, however, is that Jodie Foster and her partner of 14 years, Cydney Bernard, are splitting up. Considering that the source is the National Enquirer, though, I think there’s still a chance that this is false. Perhaps they will even have a super-secret wedding, in keeping with their very private lives. (Thanks, PageOneQ.)