This is the first post in the second phase of my Family Voices series. Over the next several weeks, members of COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere) will share their thoughts on having one or more LGBT parents, and how that shaped them as both children and adults.
Below, Kate, a social worker from Maryland, talks about having her dad come out to her, how having gay dads affected her when she became a parent herself, and teaching her children about acceptance.
Tell us a little about the family in which you grew up. Who was in it? Anything particular you’d like to share about yourselves?
When I was born, my mom and dad were married. They divorced when I was four, then my dad met Bob, his partner of 27 years. When we were younger, my siblings and I saw my dad and Bob one night a week and every other weekend. After a series of poor choices my mother made, the visitation schedule became more equal so we stayed in each house 50% of the time starting when I was thirteen. When I was younger, up until the changes in visitation, my dad felt it was not safe to be out to me, so while he and Bob lived together, we all just pretended that they were friends and as kids we just didn’t talk about them being a couple and pretended we did not know what was clearly in front of us.
Now I am in my thirties. I have two daughters, Amelia (5) and Matilda (3). I have been married to my husband Matthew for eight years. We are all very close to my dad and Bob. In fact, while I am at work (I am a social worker), Bob (Pop Pop) cares for my daughters and is really like the third parent.
What has been the most challenging thing you’ve faced as the child of (an) LGBT parent(s)? How did you handle it?
Really the most challenging thing for me was how to handle it within my own family. By the time my dad came out to me, I had really known for a while and, until he came out, it was difficult to know what was okay and not okay to talk about or not talk about in our family. We had lots of secrets. Of course there were lots of secrets at my mom’s house as well. After a lot of therapy, and a lot of support from my dad and Bob, who have also gone through quite a self-realization process over the years, I do my best to live without secrets now and to help my children do the same. The climate has also changed considerably over the past decades to make it safer for us to have a family that is “out.” Now, while I still have things that are private, I also do not keep secrets about my family—I may also be known for outing my dads before they get a chance to.
What, if anything, did your parent(s) do to help you understand their sexual orientation or gender identity, or to help you deal with any issues this raised at school or elsewhere? Any resources (groups, books, movies, Web sites, etc.) you found particularly helpful?
Actually, believe it or not, having gay dads was the least of my worries. By the time my family was out when I was a teenager, I just didn’t care about pleasing other kids. My family has been through some rough times. Let me just put it this way. When my dad sat me down to finally tell me his is gay, I will never forget it. He was very serious. He looked pale and shaky and he told me he had to tell me something. After having experienced the sudden, unexpected death of my brother a few years earlier, my mother’s horrible second marriage that was ending, and numerous court visits to witness my parent’s never ending custody battles, when he told me he was gay, I remember continuing to wait for the bad news because surely that was not it.
My dad is an Ob/Gyn, and when I was in school, he would get invited by the science teachers to talk about health—smoking, birth control, stuff like that. When someone made a gay joke at school, or said something I didn’t like about gays or lesbians, I would ask them if they remembered when my dad came to class and how nice he was. They did. Then I would tell them he is gay. It only happened a few times and each time the person would feel bad and apologize. I think I made some people really think about their beliefs. I also probably made my dad pretty nervous since he was not actually out all the way at work but he never really stopped me. I guess I just already felt different from the other kids for multiple reasons so at that time I just figured, they accept me or they don’t. I’d rather just take on the non-judgers as friends and make my life a whole lot easier. If they wanted to judge, it was their loss, not mine.
Anything you wish your parents had done differently in terms of the above?
I wish my dad had come out to me sooner! At the same time, I understand the extraordinary pressure he was under to stay in the closet. He had very real threats to his career, and access to his children to consider and he just was not willing to risk those things. He made the best decisions he could at the time. Maybe if he had insisted on being out back then, my answer to the question would be that I wish he would not have insisted on being out—who knows? Can’t change the past. Once he told me though, I think he and Bob handled everything great. They were open and honest with us when we asked questions and as a family, we decided to keep privacy, but banish secrets. It works for us.
How does having an LGBT parent affect you in your adult life? Or how has the experience of having an LGBT parent shifted in adulthood?
When we were kids, I actually felt kind of special having two dads. My dad and Bob have a beach house in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware—an area that is very friendly to the LGBT community. I liked walking down the streets with my dads. As I stated before, I already felt different from other kids regardless of my dad’s sexual orientation, but it was nice to be part of a community that accepted people who feel different. As an adult, it has been difficult for me. Now, I go with my dads and people kind of look at me wondering where I fit in, or look at my dads wondering who is with whom. Also, I walk down the street with my husband and two children and people have a certain way of interpreting that as well. I liked being different/special, and with my adult family, we don’t have the same outward identity even though we very much identify ourselves as part of the LGBT community.
Having gay dads has also affected me as a parent. I want my children to understand the importance of acceptance of all humans. I am a feminist and an activist. Even though my dads hardly show up to political events, I am often the first one to sign up, and I take my children when safe and appropriate. Where my dads protected me from the hurtful things people say, while I don’t put my children in harm’s way, I also try to expose them to the world and how it works. For example, I have been going twice yearly to testify against the proposed “Defense of Marriage” amendments that continue to be brought up in Maryland—once for the House of Representatives, once for the State Senate. This past year, after my daughter—then four—told me boys were not allowed to marry boys, I told her she was right, but that I hoped that some day that would not be true. I told her I wished that the rules could be fair for everyone so some day Grandpa and Pop Pop can get married. So, when the time came to testify against the proposed amendments again, I told my daughters we were going to talk to the rule-makers about making the rules fair for everyone, and telling them that we think a fair rule would be to allow Grandpa and Pop Pop to get married.
They came with me and were welcomed with open arms by the other people in our community, and allies who had come to ask the rule-makers for the very same thing. My oldest daughter was also kind to the children of someone there to support the amendment and offered them her crayons and coloring book (her idea, not mine) while their mother gently took me aside to tell me why my family and I were going to Hell. My daughter (bless her soul) chose that moment to pull out her picture of me, my husband and daughters with my dads from last Christmas to show the other mother why we were there and proudly told her we were coming to ask for fair rules. Ahh, the innocence of childhood. The woman took her Bible and moved to the other side of the room, but only after her daughter and my daughter finished coloring a picture together (her daughter kept the picture). Of course my daughter does not know what the woman was saying to me, but she had such a good time at the rule-makers that she asked if we could go back the following week. Mostly I just find teachable moments that are appropriate for her age and developmental level and try to explain how things are without burdening her too much.
What are the ways that having an LGBT parent has made you into who you are today?
I have a hard time separating out one part of my childhood from another, but I can say that from the moment my dad came out to me, I felt more free to be honest with him and more able to say what I want and need rather than what I might feel pressured to want and need. Also, my dad and Bob did a good bit of advocating on my behalf when I was a kid, now I like to return the favor so I am always taking part in political events and especially following the equal marriage issue. Although, I don’t want it to sound like I think equal marriage is only an issue for my dad and Bob, it means a lot to me because I want to see them get what I get with my marriage. I think growing up with gay parents also influenced my decision to become a social worker and work with underserved populations because I have a deep understanding of what it feels like to be misunderstood and/or overlooked by the larger society.
What advice would you most like to pass on to other children of LGBT parents? To the parents themselves?
My favorite quote from Audre Lorde, “When I dare to be powerful—to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” I interpret that to mean something like, if people are giving you a hard time about your family—speak up. If you feel you have something important to say or you can add something to a conversation that no one else can add—say something. The fear of speaking up is temporary, and usually far outweighed by the long term positive results, even if what you have to say is not popular. If you just put yourself out there, and you are who you are, rather than who you think people want you to be, then you get to know who all the good people for you are. That way, you don’t always have to worry- if they knew this about me they might not like me, or if they knew what I really liked, they wouldn’t accept me. It’s a good way to know who your real friends are, and people you would never expect might hear you and be really attracted to the idea of connecting with you.
Why did you choose to become involved with COLAGE?
I mentioned before that as an adult, I miss that ability to fit into my community in the same way I did as a child. With COLAGE I can do that. Plus, the people are just great. I have never met another group of people that seems to have accepted diversity in all people and thought deeply about larger issues outside of themselves anywhere else.
How else, if at all, are you involved in your community or in LGBT activism/politics?
I volunteer for COLAGE whenever I see a way I can help. I also volunteer with Equality Maryland. I have been on panels, taught classes, testified to legislators, spoken to audiences, etc. I am a social worker and I put together a Continuing Education class for other social workers that teaches about some of the unique challenges children with LGBT parents, and LGBT parents themselves might face. I also put together a Baby Maybe class that my dad and I teach (he is an OB/GYN) for potential LGBT parents.
Please share a favorite memory of being a COLAGEr or having an LGBT parent.
My favorite memory of being a COLAGEr:
I have always wanted to write a book for other kids with LGBT parents. In fact, in college, my friend Lisa (she has lesbian moms) and I tried to write one but couldn’t get it published. After sending out feelers and trying to get published for a couple of years, I finally did get an article published in Alternative Family Magazine which was very cool. When I went to graduate school, I put down the writing for while. Then one day, I hear on the radio that Abigail Garner has published a book
My favorite memory of having LGBT parents:
In June, my dad and Bob celebrated their 27-year anniversary in Hawaii. They brought the entire family—me, my husband and two daughters, my sister and her husband, Bob’s daughter and her husband, and two close friends. We all stayed for a week before the ceremony and then attended their ceremony on the beach. It was the trip of a lifetime and makes me so happy to see how much has changed. They are so comfortable being together and I can only hope that when my husband and I have been together 27 years, we will still be excited enough about it to want to celebrate with the entire family in the same way!
Kate has kindly offered her e-mail for those who want to contact her: kolivermsw@yahoo.com.