This week’s Family Voices interview is with lesbian moms—and grandmothers—Barbara and Patricia. Below, they talk about their multi-religious and multi-ethnic family, being mothers to a young child while also having grown children, coming out to older children, and their love of P-town.
As with the previous families highlighted in this feature, they are members of the Family Pride Coalition’s OUTSpoken Families program, and committed to speaking with their local communities and media about their lives and the need for LGBT equality.
Tell us a little about your family. Who is in your immediate family? Anything particular you’d like to share about yourselves?
We’re Barbara, 61, and Patricia, 48. We’ve been together almost 17 years and we’re both clinical social workers. Our daughter Emily recently turned 9. We also have two grown children: Jordan, 36, is a neonatologist, married to Liz. Debbie, 33, is an MBA marketing manager, married to Kweon. Debbie and Kweon have a son, Kweon III, who is 2 — our grandson and Emily’s nephew. Liz and Kweon are Emily’s godparents. We are Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Irish, Czech, Hispanic, Asian, Caucasian, straight, gay — our own mini-UN!
How did you create your family? What advice would you give to other couples taking this route? Any resources you found particularly helpful?
Jordan and Debbie are Barbara’s biological children from an earlier marriage. Emily was conceived through artificial insemination of Pat. Some things we learned: Have children sooner than later — it’s rarely an “ideal” time. Go for all pre-pregnancy tests — don’t assume that everything is fine.
What has been the most challenging thing you’ve faced as a parent? How did you handle it?
Barbara: The most difficult time was coming out to my older adolescent children, then ages 17 and 19. Their initial reactions were (probably predictably) not positive. I let them know that I hadn’t changed from the mother they knew, and that while my relationship with Pat wasn’t going away neither was my love for and devotion to them. Through the years they have come to see that having a gay mother isn’t so bad; they appreciate our relationship, love Pat, and have become a wonderful big brother and big sister to Emily. We’ve had our challenges, but our family has developed into a close, loving one. It hasn’t been a typical journey (and not always easy), but I wouldn’t trade it.
Pat: The most challenging time as a parent has been most recently, helping Emily handle the day-to-day questions she faces in her school and community. I feel as though if I want my daughter’s school and community to be safe environments, there is “work” to do with administrators, teachers, coaches, etc…
How have your children dealt with having two moms? Have they experienced any negative reactions at school or elsewhere? Any particularly positive ones? What was your response?
Having two moms is all Emily has ever known. She realized by the age of three that it was not common and she was very vocal and proud of the fact — telling people she’d meet in a store, oblivious to some stunned reactions (though most were quite positive). One of her pre-school friends told her mother that it was “cool” that Emily had two moms. What Emily has been more aware of for the past couple of years is the absence of a dad. And she was concerned about some peers’ innocent comments, such as: “You can’t have two moms!” Most recently she has come to realize that not everyone in the world around her will be understanding of her different family. But we do believe that the large majority of her experiences have been positive, at school and in the neighborhood. She is a social and well-liked girl, and having two moms does not seem to have detracted from her life and in many ways has enhanced it.
You are grandmothers as well as mothers. What are some of the most important parenting lessons you hope you passed on to your children? What do you hope they do differently?
Barbara: I hope I’ve passed on the fact that a mother’s love is unconditional and indestructible — that family matters above all else. One lesson I’ve learned (and that I think I do differently in this “second round” of parenting) is that children grow and develop at their own pace, and that as long as children get all the love, nurturing, and support they need they’ll probably turn out just fine. I believe I am more flexible with Emily than with my older two.
Pat: I never expected I would be a grandmother so early in my life. I believe that Barbara and I have had a unique and positive influence on our older daughter, as she was able to see and experience us as parents to a baby/toddler/child so close in time to her having her own child.
Is it easier being a grandmother or a mother?
There are few of us who are simultaneously mother of a young child and a grandmother. It’s certainly easier being grandmothers, where we don’t have the day-to-day worries and responsibilities. But we miss not seeing our grandson daily. Having a grandchild has enriched our immediate family — Emily loves being an aunt, and when the two are together they are inseparable.
Why did you choose to be part of Family Pride’s OUTSpoken program?
We believe that we have a responsibility to the community that our daughter is growing up in to be visible and educate. Our goal is to help the community to be more inclusive, aware, and accepting of differences. It is said that people who know two or more people who are gay are more likely to be more supportive about issues concerning the gay population. We often say that we’re really very traditional in terms of how we live our lives. If we can help people’s comfortability with gays and lesbians, we believe we will have made an important contribution.
How else, if at all, are you involved in your community or in LGBT activism/politics?
As licensed clinical social workers, we have presented on LGBT issues at local, regional, and national professional conferences.
What’s your favorite: a) family activity; b) children’s book?
We like to go to concerts, shows, and get together with our family for celebrations. We enjoy both the beach and mountains. We especially love Provincetown, Mass for its diversity, acceptance, eclectic qualities and its beauty, and have traveled there almost annually for over 15 years — initially just the two of us, then with Emily, and lately with our grown children and their families as well. This past summer, we went to P-town for Family Week where Emily attended activities by COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere). This was a great opportunity for her to meet other kids with two moms or dads and to feel connected with the larger community.
A children’s book we like is Todd Parr’s It’s Okay To Be Different
If you had a parenting motto, what would it be and why?
Life is a journey, not a destination. Take in the sights and experiences along the way.