Of Ducks and Penguins

Yellow-eyed penguin
Photo credit: Steve under a CC BY-SA 2.0 license. (Generic photo; not necessarily a same-sex pair.)

My son is starting preschool this week. I view this time of year as do many LGBT parents, with a sense of wonder that my child has reached his current age, panic that we won’t find new sneakers in his size before the first day, and fear of all that could harm him physically or emotionally. My partner and I will be meeting with his teachers, as LGBT parenting experts recommend, to make sure they are prepared to address questions and situations that arise because of his family structure.

It was with this in the back of my head that I took my son to two famous Boston destinations last week. We ventured first to the Public Garden to see the Make Way for Ducklings statues and ride the Swan Boats featured in that book. My parents had read Robert McCloskey’s classic to me when I was a child, and it was one of the first stories I read to my own son. Mr. and Mrs. Mallard are in many ways, however, the epitome of a traditional opposite-sex couple. Mrs. Mallard handles childcare duties while Mr. Mallard goes off to scout the area. Still, the book remains beloved even in this ostensibly more liberated era.

I couldn’t help but think of another book about a bird family, And Tango Makes Three, the tale (based on a true story) of two male penguins who adopt an egg together. Literary and artistic merits aside (Tango is very good, but arguably not up to Duckling’s Caldecott-winning standards), I doubt any city (with the possible exception of Provincetown) will build a statue of the two penguin dads and their chick anytime soon. Tango tops the American Library Association’s list of “10 Most Challenged Books of 2006,” a “challenge” meaning that someone filed a written complaint with a library or school requesting that the book be removed.

I had penguins on my mind the next day as well, when my son and I journeyed to the New England Aquarium. Perhaps we’d get a glimpse of another same-sex pair. Alas, no, or if so, they weren’t telling. In the world of natural-history education, it is hard to escape the references to opposite-sex mating, even when the details are kept fuzzy for the young ones. Not that I want to bend reality and deny that most creatures pair with the opposite sex. It’s just that a mention or two of possible variation would be nice. Coupled with the straight ducks of the previous day, I was feeling a bit left out. I wanted a place for our family among the iconic books and destinations of childhood. I wondered, too, what effect this exclusion would have as my son seeks to find his place in school.

Certain parents are in fact moving to forbid any discussion of same-sex families — human or otherwise — in classrooms. Two couples in Lexington recently announced they are appealing a U.S. District Court judgment that said their constitutional rights are not violated if schools teach their children about same-sex families. World Net Daily reported last month that the plaintiffs claim their goal is merely to be notified when schools teach “such controversial topics.” Even if we hypothetically grant that notification is warranted (against the judge’s argument in Parker v. Hurley that teaching about different types of families, same-sex ones included, helps prepare students for citizenship), it is ridiculous to imagine notifying parents every time a child from an LGBT family wants to share family photos during show and tell or write an essay about going on an R Family cruise. Should the plaintiffs win their appeal, though (and it is unclear how likely this is), teachers may hesitate to permit such pictures and writings, whether subtly or overtly. What message is that sending to our children about their self-worth?

Lexington is not an isolated case. A week after the Lexington news, the Evesham Township School District in New Jersey said the film That’s a Family! could not be reinstated as part of its elementary health curriculum. The Board had eliminated the documentary in early February after some parents protested its inclusion of same-sex families. Last Thursday they rejected a special review committee’s recommendation to permit it.

What can we do to halt such actions? It boils down to the old saw of visibility, at once simple and fiendishly difficult. Visibility for the childfree is tough enough when one can be fired for being LGBT and may face harassment or violence as well. When it is our children at risk, even the most out individuals may hesitate. There are also those, no matter how strong and willing, who must keep their family details hidden or risk losing the means to support them, say, if one or both parents is in the military. Those of us who can be open must do so for both ourselves and them. Being visible as an LGBT family goes hand in hand with teaching our children self-confidence, making allies within the broad community, and sharing constructive resources such as Tango and That’s a Family!

It is a tall order, and I know this first week of preschool is only the start of a journey that will take us across the next 14 years. We can turn to tuxedoed avians yet again, though, and recall a lesson from the film March of the Penguins: It may be a long, hard trip, but it’s for the good of our family—and ultimately our society.

(Originally published in Bay Windows, September 6, 2007. Also check out “Back to School,” an interview of Jennifer Chrisler, executive director of the Family Pride Coalition, by Bay Window’s Laura Kiritsy, and “Recipe for a successful school year? Listen to your kids,” an interview of Beth Teper, executive director of Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE), by Ethan Jacobs in the same publication.)

6 thoughts on “Of Ducks and Penguins”

  1. Great article — I read it in Bay Windows earlier in the week. I was wondering if you have an advice (or different advice) for kids who are from mixed families, that is children who have one parent who is straight and one parent who is GLBT?

  2. Thanks, David! Good question. I think it’s important for families to be as open about themselves as they safely can, whether this means being open about one LGBT parent, two LGBT parents, or one LGBT and one not. Sharing the fact of various family structures, whatever they are, helps others better accept this variety. I also think, however, that Beth Teper of COLAGE has some excellent points about listening to children’s concerns regarding “coming out” about their families. These would apply regardless of the number of LGBT parents. I could see that some children may be more comfortable introducing friends and teachers to their non-LGBT parent vs. their LGBT one. As Teper says (in relation to a same-sex couple, but I think it applies):

    A child might ask his or her parents not to come to school functions, or to only have one attend so that the rest of the school community does not know the child’s parents are a same-sex couple. Teper said if a child tells their parents that he or she does not want to be open about their family, the last thing they should do is panic or take it as an indictment of their parenting skills.

    “The first thing I would say is if the young person is even having this discussion, that’s something the parents should be proud of,” said Teper.

    She said parents in this situation should talk with their child. Key questions to ask are, what are they experiencing in school that prompted their decision, what kinds of language are they hearing peers and teachers at school use to talk about LGBT people, and what consequences do they think they will face if they decide to be open about their family. In some cases they may find that they can alleviate their child’s fears. Teper said some children may believe that talking about their family at school could put their parents in danger by leaving them open to violence or by causing them to be fired from their job. Young people may believe that they are protecting their family by keeping silent.

    “Oftentimes young people are carrying the burden and their parents don’t even recognize it,” said Teper.

    She said parents should also ask their children if there is anything they can do to make it easier for their children to talk about their families.

    Abigail Garner, a long-time advocate of those with LGBT parents, also has several posts devoted to mixed-orientation marriages in the Advice section of her site, Families Like Mine.

  3. Basically, amen, sister.

    I have wondered about the animal kingdom stuff myself (mused a bit about that here).

    The attacks you remind us of, in Lexington and in Evesham Township, are chilling. But as you point out, by the same token it’s sheer lunacy to imagine some kind of gag order in effect on the kids in our families. We have to be reaching a tipping point of some sort. The work to get there will indeed be hard, I’m sure. But as you say, of benefit not just to our families but those around us.

  4. Pingback: Back-to-School Primer, Vol. 2 at LesbianDad

  5. You know the best (not) part about that Lexington case? Those are the same kind of people who claim that we shouldn’t be raising kids because our kids will be harmed by having us as parents. Harmed yes. By us, no. By them.

    Stupid.

  6. Pingback: Family Pride’s Blog » New York Times Misses the point on same sex families

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