Family Voices VII

This week’s Family Voices interview is with lesbian moms Nikki and Jody, who live in New Jersey with their infant daughter and Nikki’s father. Below, they talk about their tempestuous first meeting, using a known donor, being out to employers, dealing with relatives, parenting as the lesbian daughter of a gay dad, having a civil union, and more. They also share a bevy of useful resources and some darn cute baby photos.

As with the previous families highlighted in this feature, they are members of the Family Pride Coalition’s OUTSpoken Families program, and committed to speaking with their local communities and media about their lives and the need for LGBT equality.

1. Tell us a little about your family. Who is in your immediate family? Anything particular you’d like to share about yourselves?

Our family includes many people. Living in our household in NJ are Jody and I (Nikki), Chloe (our six-month-old daughter) and my father Steve. Other people that we include as our family are:

• Jody’s dad and step-mom — Pat & Cheryl, who live in NY
• Jody’s brother and girlfriend — Pat & Sheri, who also live in NJ
• My mom — Debby who lives in SC
• My brother — Adam who lives in VA
• Jody’s aunt and cousins — Fran, Minnie & Devyn who live in FL
• And while not officially “blood” relatives, our best friend Awilda and her daughter Alana (who is 10) are most definitely a part of our family. They have lived with us on and off since Alana was four. Awilda even jokes with her girlfriends that they have to meet her parents (us not her real ones) before getting the official girlfriend title.
• Not to be forgotten because they are definitely part of our family are our two dogs, Rocky and Winky and our two cats, Crookshanks and Puss-Puss. One thing we have found since Chloe was born — they are no longer our animals but now belong to our young little Dr. Doolittle.

Jody and I have been together 10 years. We met through our sorority in college and became best friends. (Funny side note — I actually did not even like Jody when she joined. Just goes to show that God has greater plans for all of us!). After fighting for a few months we slowly became inseparable and then best friends. Next thing we knew, we fell in love. After several years we had a wedding with all of our friends and family. Afterwards, we started to think about kids. Jody and I have both always wanted to be parents but wanted to wait until we were settled and financially stable. Just recently my father moved down to FL to be near us. After I got pregnant, we realized that Florida was not the place for us to be gay and raise children. Jody found a great new job in NJ that not only offered benefits for me and Chloe but also allowed me to be a stay at home mom. With that we packed up the family (including the soon to be grandpa!) and headed to NJ. We left a lot of great friends (many who I do consider part of our extended family) but are close to other relatives here. Shortly after arriving here, the law allowing Civil Unions in NJ passed and we knew we had made the right decision.

2. How did you create your family? What advice would you give to other couples taking this route? Any resources you found particularly helpful?

Jody and I have been talking about creating our family since the moment we got together. We wanted to make sure we were going the best route possible for us. We both want several children and we come at the issue with a certain history. My mom is adopted and currently works in the adoption field. Because of that, I have seen her struggle or talk about the struggles of kids that are being adopted. For that reason we decided that we wanted to have a known donor for our daughter. We never wanted her to wonder who her biological father was.

We had joked for several years with Jody’s best friend that he would make a great donor and if he ever wanted to . . . Then suddenly, James told us that he had thought about it a great deal and if were serious he would love to be able to help us create our family. We debated using an unknown donor and even tried once. Jody and I live by the motto that everything happens for a reason. Our first try with the unknown donor didn’t take and I now believe that it was meant for James to help us with our family. The first try when using James as our donor gave us Chloe. Now we can’t imagine her being anyone else. It was also very important for us (because of my mom and the kids she deals with) that Chloe have the ability to know the man that most of the US would call her father. Her uncle James will be involved in her life and she will know that he made it possible for her parents to have her.

Since having Chloe, many of our friends have asked us for advice on the process. The biggest thing I think is to do your research. I used to tease Jody on all the research she did but now I am thankful. There were so many legal hurdles that I had no clue about. Even living in NJ, where gay couples have many more rights, we are still having to use an attorney to make sure everything is covered. Once we actually decided to use James, we had him signed a legal waiver that gave up all his rights to the baby and that he knew that our plan was for Jody and I to raise any child conceived using his sperm. We then had James give the donation directly to the doctor for the insemination (in most states this alone terminates any parental rights of a donor). While I know that many couples using a known donor might try these methods at home for financial reasons, I urge them to be very careful because many rights are implied if not using a doctor as a third party.

Luckily, here in NJ, Jody was on Chloe’s birth certificate the day she was born. However, I realize that is not the case for everyone. Two of our very best friends are playing musical homes flying to and from FL and CA to make sure that they both have equal rights concerning their new son. As stated before, due to Jody’s research we actually relocated states. Even though Jody is already on her birth certificate and all of James’ legal rights are terminated, we chose to still proceed with a second parent adoption here in NJ. We feel that you can never be too safe when protecting our family. For those who are not aware — since a birth certificate is not a “judgement” it can be challenged a lot easier than an adoption order. Our lawyer calls it the “belts and suspenders” — even though it might not be necessary it is always better to be prepared.

Some of the resources that we found most helpful were:

• www.hrc.org (they have a special section on laws per individual state)
• www.familypride.org
• www.gayfamilyoptions.org
• California Cryobank — they were great — even though we didn’t use them for Chloe, we did for the first try and they were easy to deal with. The site gives so much information regarding the potential donor. This cryobank was also the site our other friends used and had a great result.
• www.rainbowfamiliesnj.org
• www.colage.org
• Singer & Fedun, L.L.C. (our NJ attorney)
• A Legal Guide For Lesbian and Gay Couples by Hayden Curry, Denis Clifford and Frederick Hertz
• The Lesbian Parenting Book: A Guide to Creating Families and Raising Children by D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green

Some resources that I also have found that are great for new parents are:

• www.babycenter.com
• www.kidsgrowth.com
• www.cafemom.com
• dealsformommies.blogspot.com – for those money savvy moms — there are some great things! They send out a daily email that Jody and I fight over who gets to read first because they have such great deals on everything from cribs and carriers to cool toys and clothes.
• www.gayparentmag.com
• What to Expect When You’re Expecting, by Heidi Murkoff, Arlene Eisenberg, & Sandee Hathaway

3. What has been the most challenging thing you’ve faced as a parent? How did you handle it?

Our daughter is six months old and in our unbiased opinion (LOL) is completely perfect. We have not faced nearly the challenges that we prepared ourselves for prior to her birth. To be honest, it really has come naturally. Our biggest problem with Chloe has been our relatives fighting over wanting us to visit them with her. While we are fortunate to have me be a stay-at-home mom, it does tighten the purse strings a little. Flights to FL and SC are not quite in the budget every month. Our pediatrician has even joked with us that our second child is going to be a tyrant and that we do deserve it!

4. Have you experienced any negative reactions at daycare, work, a medical office, or elsewhere because you are a two-mom family? Any particularly positive ones? What was your response?

The only negative reaction that we have received so far has been from Jody’s grandparents on her father’s side. They are an extremely religious Catholic couple who believe that Jody and I are living in sin. In a conversation with Jody’s brother while I was pregnant, it was implied that the baby and I would not be welcome in their home. After Chloe was born and we moved up here, they invited Jody over for dinner. When she refused since the baby and I were not welcome there, a heated discussion ensued. Jody informed her grandmother that we were a family and where Chloe and I weren’t welcome, neither was she. She then went on to point out that whether they liked it or not, Chloe was legally her great-granddaughter. Jody invited her grandmother to her parents house to meet the baby and surprisingly she came. While her grandfather still remains aloof, her grandmother has been very warm and caring to Chloe and myself, including calling to check up on her, buying baby gifts and nagging me on when we are having Chloe christened (which in her eyes means that she cares). Although they are coming around, it never would have happened if Jody had not stood her ground.

Before we moved to NJ and while looking for a job, Jody was 100% open with future employers on the reason for moving. One of the reasons was because her former employer, while offering domestic partner benefits in every other state, did not offer those benefits in FL. Her work has actually been one of the most receptive and welcoming organizations I have ever seen. If I did not know better, I would think they were a LGBT organization. Jody’s boss (who is also mayor of a town in NJ) even performed our civil union ceremony for us.

Surprisingly enough, almost everywhere we have turned has been a positive response, from our OB to Chloe’s pediatrician’s office to the MyGym where Chloe and I go for Mommy and Me classes. I think this is because of how matter of fact Jody and I are about it. We do not find it necessary to make a big deal about being gay nor do we hide it from anyone. It is just another aspect of our lives. Chloe has two loving parents who just happen to both be women.

5. You were one of the first couples to register a civil union in New Jersey. Why was it important for you to do so?

The day we both gave notice to our jobs in FL and told everyone we were moving to NJ, it was very hard for us. However, we came home that day to the news that the civil union law had passed in NJ and we knew we were making the right decision. I know that many people are upset that we have civil unions and not marriages. However, I will take any right that I can and then continue to fight for the rest. We believed that it was important to register for the civil union so that our daughter was given the rights of having her parents “married” as well as knowing how much her parents love and are committed to each other. We also thought it was important to show our support for the work that was done on our behalf to have this law passed. I know that numerous couples have “boycotted” the civil unions because they think it fell short by not being marriage. While we are not naive and understand that we definitely need to continue to work towards marriage, we also understand how much farther a civil union takes us than a domestic partnership. Having come from a state where it is illegal for LGBT individuals to adopt, we will take every right possible no matter what it is called.

6. Why did you choose to be part of Family Pride’s OUTSpoken program?

Jody and I are both used to speaking publicly after working for non-profits for several years. We believe that we are typical Americans that just fell in love. For that reason, we believe that it is important to show people that we are just a regular family who love our daughter. We also want to show our daughter that you need to stand up and fight for yourselves and others who may not be able to stand up for themselves.

7. How else, if at all, are you involved in your community or in LGBT activism/politics?

To be honest, we have been so busy with parenthood that we have not become as involved as I would like to be here in NJ. We recently attend a family picnic with the Rainbow Families of NJ and are looking forward to attending more events with them.

As the daughter of a gay man, I really want my daughter to have an outlet to discuss her feelings regarding being the daughter of lesbians. As a teen in a small town in WV, I had no one that I felt I could turn to and it caused me great distress. I worried about him and was constantly afraid he was going to get AIDS because I didn’t truly understand. Even being as educated as I was, I too thought it was mainly a gay disease. I hope that being involved in a gay parenting group will give Chloe a safe place to discuss, vent, ask questions, or whatever she needs.

As the presidential election comes we will volunteer as needed. In FL, we volunteered for SaveDade, the HRC and attended several political rallies, including one for Al Gore and one for John Kerry.

One of the other things I am trying to do is get involved in parenting groups (both online and in person), whether gay or straight, and letting them get to know our family. We had attended a “Valuing our Family” conference at our church in FL and one thing that one of the guest speakers mentioned was that although 10% of the population is gay most people don’t realize that they know someone who is gay because we (the LGBT community) are too afraid to come out of the closet.

8. What’s your favorite: a) family activity; b) children’s book?

Our favorite family activity is just being together. Chloe is not old enough for a game night or things like that yet. We mentioned to my father one night that we were dorks who got excited over just watching our daughter as she learned to roll over, became excited over picking up toys or even petting our dogs — to which he stated that “That was how it should be.” We agree. We take Chloe as many places as possible, even at this age, because we just like being with her.

Our favorite children’s book is a hard one. I LOVE to read and hope to pass that on to our children. We read to Chloe every night and Chloe already has a small library that rivals the children’s section at a small bookstore! Currently we are reading Winnie-The-Pooh —we read her a chapter a night. My favorite children’s book for infant/toddlers is Stellaluna and Jody’s is Love You Forever and we can’t wait to see what will be Chloe’s favorite book. My favorite children’s book for older kids is Bridge to Terabithia and Jody’s is anything by Judy Blume.

9. If you had a parenting motto, what would it be and why?

Put your children first. We believe if you do this, everything else will fall into place. We watch so many people who have children only to push them to the side, complain about them or are excited to pass them off to relatives or school. We enjoy every minute we have with our daughter and if we have to give up something for her — then it is well worth the loss of whatever it was. They are little for such a short time. Enjoy it now because there will always be more time to go to a movie, get your nails done or go out clubbing. There is only a short time that your child will be young and still want you around.