This week’s Family Voices interview is with lesbian moms and lawyers NS and AH, who live in California with their toddler. Below, they talk about their extended family of over 20 nieces and nephews, sleep deprivation, balancing family and work, and more.
As with the previous families highlighted in this feature, they are members of the Family Pride Coalition’s OUTSpoken Families program, and committed to speaking with their local communities and media about their lives and the need for LGBT equality.
1. Tell us a little about your family. Who is in your immediate family? Anything particular you’d like to share about yourselves?
NS: Our family is vast and large. I have 6 siblings and my partner has 3 siblings. We have over 20 nieces and nephews ranging in age from 5 months to 31 years old. At any given time, you will meet one of them because we are very proud of our families and we love to showcase them to rest of the world. In our immediate family is my partner and our 13 month old son. He is the center of our universe and the reason we smile each morning. We are both lawyers who are dedicated to working for and with our indigent clients to seek some sort of justice in this world.
AH: Yes, we are both family-centered which is what drew us together in the first place. Our cultures (Mexican and Belizean) value family above all else and it is what we hope to instill in our children. At any given time, our house is filled with one or another of our family members, both blood-related and otherwise. We like it that way!
2. How did you create your family? What advice would you give to other couples taking this route? Any resources you found particularly helpful?
NS: We were very lucky. After searching through numerous databases we found an ideal anonymous donor. We waited 7 plus years into our relationship before starting our family. It was a process that was deliberate, thought-out and at least one of us read every book known to man or should I say, woman, on parenting! Our only advice is to do what is in your hearts by following your instincts. Read every book you can and then filter out information that feels right to you. We love the Dr. Sears book because it is so practical and there is a book about raising boys that we both thought was dynamic and insightful: Raising Caine.
AH: The biological part of creating our family was relatively easy. What we marvel at most is the psychological bonds that our child has created with numerous people in our lives. He is like a magical little elf that envelops everyone around us into his cocoon. In his short life time (13 months now) he has strengthened, and made beautiful, bonds we previously had, created new ones, and enriched our lives in the process.
3. What has been the most challenging thing you’ve faced as a parent? How did you handle it?
NS: The most challenging is sleep deprivation. We didn’t want our son to “cry it out” so it took a long time to get him to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time (it took over 6 months). We survived and that’s the best we could have hoped for back then when we were delirious and stressed out.
AH: I agree, the sleep deprivation turned us both into two-headed she-monsters. If it hadn’t been for every member of our family who took pity on us, especially NS’ mother, her sister S and my sister A, I don’t know what we would have done! Be patient with yourself and each other, eventually sleep will come!!
4. How has your child/children dealt with having two moms? Have they experienced any negative reactions at school or elsewhere? Any particularly positive ones? What was your response?
NS: Our son loves us more than he can say (smile). He is attached to both of us and although one of us did nurse him, he doesn’t prefer one of us over the other–he is an equal opportunity hugger. One of his first words was “hug.” He just started day care and there are numerous children with same sex parents, so we are -comfortable knowing that his day-care is sensitive to our family structure. We would not have it any other way. On one occasion, a little girl noticed that our son has two moms and she quickly observed that we both picked him up and dropped him off together every single day (quite a challenge for two full-time lawyers!) She wanted to know why all the mommies always come to the daycare but “we never see the daddies.” My partner had a good laugh over that one.
AH: We do get stares every once in a while, but usually only when we travel outside the San Francisco Bay Area. Nothing we can’t deal with, but we are very attuned to our personal safety and his. Overall, we have been fortunate to only have positive reactions to our family. Although people always insist on asking who the father is! (Sigh!) We reply with “the donor is . . . anonymous.”
5. You are a multi-racial family. How does this affect your interactions with your community (the LGBT community or the community at large) and/or your parenting choices?
NS: We are very out—at our local coffee shop, etc., and we are proud beaming parents everywhere we go. In other words, I think just being visible is the key. For example, we were out of town and stayed in Beverly Hills for a family emergency once. Every worker in the various baby stores that we went to seemed mystified by our family—which is shocking given that we were in the metro area of L.A. Suffice it to say, by the time we left, they knew who we were, who our son was, and that he had 2 moms. After that, when we walked into the stores, they said “there’s J and his moms!”
AH: It is very important to us that J have a sense of his mixed heritage. It is a daunting challenge to instill this sense of pride and acceptance in an unaccepting and racist society, but we are determined to do that. I speak to our son in Spanish, we take him to cultural events, and spend as much time as we can with our families so that he has a mirror to who he is. We hope to show him by example who he is and to be proud of that. It can be difficult to find other families like ours, even in the diverse Bay Area, and it takes work to reach out and interact with other parents of color. There are not many resources for multi-racial families but I hope that is changing. It is important to us that our son receive an education that will teach him about all the different cultures in the world, his history, acceptance of difference, and instill in him a sense of concern for social justice issues. I believe our parenting choices have and will continue to center around that larger goal due to our own experiences with racism, sexism, homophobia and all other kinds of bigotry.
6. You are both professionals with careers. How do you balance work and family time?
NS: I had great role models in my mom and dad. They have worked (and continue to work) really hard all their lives, but family was always first. Period. For my partner and I, I just don’t know how we, two workaholics, can ever do the same, but we are still figuring it out. I was musing the other day that I don’t ever recall my parents calling in sick to work—not even to stay at home when I was sick. But I never noticed their absence from home because my siblings were omnipresent and the love my parents gave to me never made me feel as though I was missing a thing. They always came home and cooked dinner. Even when my parents divorced and my dad raised us and worked 2 jobs, he came home, cooked dinner, chatted with us and in the middle of the night, left for his second job. He is a superhero in my eyes. My mom worked hard, but on the weekends, it was our time. We traveled and had fun times. That is how I plan to raise our son. We make sure we do things together and we do not triage. We both go to the pediatrician, we both bathe him each night, we are both present for dinner time, we both went to his swim class (although only one of us was forced to wear a swimsuit and get into the water, aaargh), we both drop him off at daycare. It is very rare that only one of us does one of these things with our son.
AH: I agree with N. My parents also worked like crazy just to survive so we are very privileged that we don’t have the same sort of demands. The demands on our time are self-imposed which is very different. Nevertheless, they are demands and if we want to continue to work for the social good, as well as spend time with our son, we have to spend less time sleeping, and that is just the way it is! Seriously though, we are still figuring things out but it can be done and I have found out that practice makes perfect. We are now able to get out of the house in less than 30 minutes where it used to take us almost 2 hours! (Thank goodness our friends and families don’t get too mad at us when we are perpetually late.) We have also learned to let go of a lot of inconsequential things and have learned to live with a greater degree of chaos in our lives. It’s when you fight this loss of control that things get messy.
7. Why did you choose to be part of Family Pride’s OUTSpoken program?
NS: It’s important to be visible so that people understand that our family is as important and worthy of rights like any other.
AH: Ditto.
8. How else, if at all, are you involved in your community or in LGBT activism/politics?
NS: We attend political events, follow local candidates and try to keep as informed as possible regarding civil rights issues that affects us all. I also serve on the boards of two local minority and women’s bar associations.
AH: I have also served on these boards and I recently joined the Board of Our Family Coalition which is a non-profit organization dedicated to advancing the civil rights of LGBT families.
9. What’s your favorite: a) family activity; b) children’s book?
NS: Waking up each morning, getting our son out of his crib and bringing him to our bed, tickling him, and hearing his pure, sweet laughter. Our favorite book is Buenas Noches Gorila! because it is in Spanish and he loves the sing-song rhythm to the words.
AH: My favorite family activity is spending time with the family, especially our son’s numerous cousins. When they get together, it’s like a happy tornado tearing through! We like Buenas Noches Gorila! because it is about the zookeeper trying to go home at night but all the animals follow him home and try to go to sleep in his bed with him. That’s kind of like our families!
10. If you had a parenting motto, what would it be and why?
NS: Follow your gut. The laws of nature are what govern.
AH: Fasten your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a bumpy night!