Family Voices: First in a Series

This post is the first in a series I will run on Tuesdays through the summer, profiling LGBT families from the Family Pride Coalition’s OUTSpoken Families program.

These families have all committed to speak to their local communities and media about their lives and the need for LGBT equality. They have undergone extensive training through Family Pride on communicating with the press and other ways to be visible. (An OUTSpoken family also appeared on Oprah earlier this year. Watch the clip on the Family Pride Blog.) I’m pleased they’ve agreed to share a bit of their lives within the community of LGBT families and allies here as well.

Over the course of the series, I will alternate between moms and dads and vary the geographic location, to the extent possible. You’ll hear from families of many compositions, backgrounds, ethnicities, and religions, including the only gay dads raising quadruplets.

To begin, Los Angeles mom Erin talks below about her two daughters, their known donor, dealing with family tragedy, a kindergartener who wanted to change the law, favorites from her collection of over 200 children’s books, how cell-phone ring tones can promote visibility, and more.

1. Tell us a little about your family. Who is in your immediate family? How old are your daughters? Anything else you’d like to share about yourselves?
Our immediate family includes me (Mama – 43), Samantha (Mommy – 39), Sophie (newly-minted-7), and Anneliese (3.5). I work at Caltech as an IT business analyst. Sam also works here as a Grant Manager. We have a known donor, David/Daddy, who also now works at Caltech. Anneliese is in day care across the street from the building where both David and I work, and about a three minute walk to Sam’s office. Sophie is finishing up the first grade at our local public school, Sierra Madre School. We are active in the Neighborhood Unitarian Universalist Church in Pasadena, CA. We also volunteer various places, spend time with family and friends, and each other.

2a. How did you create your family?
We used a known donor and, at the urging of our OB/GYN, did the AI process at home. I am the birth mom of Sophie and Sam is the birth mom of Anneliese. With Sophie we did a two-parent adoption, complete with my having to “give her up” prior to the completion of the adoption. Since we live in California, by the time Anneliese came along we were able to go the route of step-parent adoption. We maintain a great relationship with David (Daddy to the girls). He has given up all legal rights to the kids, but was present at both adoption proceedings; his mom Carol (Mimi to the girls) was also present for Anneliese’s adoption.

2b. What advice would you give to other couples taking this route? We’ve given the name of our attorney to every other couple we’ve known taking this route. It was nice having somebody walk us through the whole legal process. But honestly, other than that, most of the advice I have given to other gay and lesbian couples is more generic “becoming a parent” advice rather than specific to our gay and lesbian relationships.

2c. Any resources you found particularly helpful?
We found that our friends who took the route before us were our best resources. What I was surprised at was how difficult it was to find good information about the simple mechanics of inseminating at home with fresh “stuff” from Daddy. Of course, this was over 8 years ago with our first daughter. It is MUCH easier to find info today thanks to my good friend Google.

3. What has been the most challenging thing you’ve faced as a parent? How did you handle it?
We faced two very serious life challenges the year that Anneliese was born. The first was the sudden death of Sam’s mom. The four of us (Sam, me, Sophie, and Sam’s mom Bobbie) had purchased a home together 18 months earlier. We were so enjoying the benefits of three-generation-living. The three adults lives revolved around Sophie with Bobbie/Grambie bathing Sophie each night and putting her to bed. Bobbie was young and vibrant. One night Sophie said good night to her, and the next morning we had to tell her that she would never see her beloved Grambie again. Shortly after midnight Bobbie had told Sam she was having difficulty breathing. In less than an hour we went from a perfect life to getting back into the car at the hospital (somebody had stayed at our house with a still-sleeping Sophie) to go home to a new life without Bobbie. Three days after her funeral it was time again to try insemination with Sam. It sucked so much. But it was the time it worked. After trying for close to two years, suddenly it worked. One day short of 9 months after Bobbie died Anneliese was born; and here was the second very serious life challenge. Sam had to have an emergency crash C-section because Anneliese’s heartbeat disappeared shortly after arriving at the hospital. 23 minutes later she was born and had to be resuscitated. Thankfully, we were at an INCREDIBLE hospital with a Level III NICU. That first day she had three seizures and two platelet transfusions. Long story short, she should not be the thriving, absolutely normal towhead she is today.

So, the challenge was how to deal with these issues. Our oldest daughter has lost one of the most important people in her life and then has two incredibly stressed out parents for well over a year. Anneliese came out of the hospital having to take Phenobarbital. We actually got the go ahead to stop the Pheno on the one-year anniversary of Bobbie’s death, and were able to wean her off over the next month. However, I personally was still having difficulties dealing with all that had happened — watching nurses and doctors screaming and running through hallways and not knowing what was going on was just horrible. I had also attempted CPR on Sam’s mom, so had had enough over the past year, thank you very much.

I made it through those times by accepting the fact that I wasn’t perfect. Sophie was only 2.75 when she lost her Grambie, and 3.5 when her sister was born. She was amazing. I made it through those times talking to her and letting her know when I screwed up. I let her know when I needed to apologize to her. There is one night that will forever stand out. I was tired. Anneliese was two months old, and we didn’t know yet the extent (if any) of her brain damage. Giving her the Phenobarbital each evening was incredibly stressful (tastes horrible). And Sophie wasn’t getting the attention she deserved. She was mad at me one night and told me that she wanted to go live with her day care teacher, Sonia. Goodness, I pouted. I was so tired. I was so mad. I wanted her to feel bad, so I sat there in the middle of her room, and just pouted. The next day I apologized to her. I told her that I was so sorry and that I was especially sorry for just wanting her to feel bad. That sweet girl just said, “I’m sorry too, Mama. I wanted you to feel bad too.” At that point I told her that it was o.k. for her to feel that way because she was just 3 years old. But as a 40 year old, it was not o.k. for me to behave that way.

4. How has your child dealt with having two moms? Has she experienced any negative reactions at school or elsewhere? Any particularly positive ones? What was your response?
Sophie’s final year in day care was in a class of 20 kids. Four of these families have two moms. Our Unitarian Universalist church has many two-dad or two-mom families. But of course she has noticed. A couple of kids at her school have asked her about her Dad and she explains that he doesn’t live with us. What upsets her the most is that we can’t get married.

Last year, when she was in kindergarten, we were at our best friends’ house (two moms with a daughter 5 days younger than Sophie). On our way home that night I thought both girls had fallen asleep when Sophie very quietly asked, “Mama? Mommy? Next time a police officer pulls you over can I ask him to change the law about you two getting married?” After we stopped giggling at the idea that our daughter could start a sentence with “Next time a police officer pulls you over. . .” I told her that police officers don’t make the laws but their job is to uphold them. Her next question, naturally, was, “Then, how do laws get made?” I explained to her that for state laws somebody in the legislature will write up something they want to be a law, and then, if a majority of the legislators vote yes for the law that it will then go to the Governor to sign into law or to veto. I then told her that in fact, in California our legislature had done just that, but that the Governor had vetoed the law. Sophie asked me why. . .and I told her that she would have to ask him. Soon after, we were at home and the conversation had stopped.

The next Monday Sophie got out of school early so she and I drove to the beach to draw pictures. It was a beautiful misty/rainy day. On the way home we got caught in the wonderful (not) LA commuter traffic. As I was driving this little voice asked, “Mama? What’s the governor’s name?” I asked her why she wanted to know. She said, “Because I want to write him a letter asking why you and Mommy can’t get married.” So, I told her that I couldn’t spell his name, but that Dear Governor would work just fine.

Sophie seems so non-pulsed by all this two moms stuff. All those things I worry so much about just seem to slide off of her with no concern. I’m sure that will change.

5. Balancing work, life, and adult relationships can be hard. What do you do when one or both of you has a bad day?
I feel fortunate to be in this partnership with Sam. Sure, we can argue with the best of them. But when it comes to finances and raising our kids — the two things that usually stress most folks out — we are so on the same page. There are days I’ll swoop in and rescue the kids when Sam has had a bad day, and there are times that Sam plays the superhero. We are also very fortunate. We both work at the same place. We commute together. We drop off Sophie at school in the morning together, and then drive down the hill to work together dropping off Anneliese at the Children’s Center across the street from my office. We know our personal strengths and weaknesses and work together just to make it work. We are also fortunate to have resources in our lives that make dealing with life that much easier.

6. Why did you choose to be part of Family Pride’s OUTSpoken program?
My partner and I have always been very outspoken about our family and what makes our family. However, I wanted to do this better. When we saw the notice about the training we decided that we needed to attend.

7. How else, if at all, are you involved in your community? In LGBT activism/politics?
Sam and I are active in many different things, including volunteering with a parent program at the NICU that literally saved our youngest daughter’s life and brain, with our older daughter’s Brownie Troop, at our church, with both girls’ basketball teams, etc. Sam and I decide which of us will focus on various activities. This year Sam has made a huge commitment working for Marriage Equality in our state. She has been involved in training other folks to speak out, provided information at our local Farmer’s Market, gone door to door talking to people about 2008 ballot initiatives.

We see our involvement in each of these activities as opportunities to tell our family’s story, whether that sharing of our story is in the NICU’s Family Connections newsletter, one-on-one with another Brownie mom, just being who we are when I coach Sophie’s basketball team, etc. Heck, I even get the opportunity when my cell phone rings in a meeting playing Ray Charles’s “I Got a Woman” and most of the folks just start to laugh knowing that the ring means Sam is calling.

I must admit, however, that sometimes it is tiring to be the perfect face of lesbian parenting. But I also know that it is important. I have watched people’s opinion change when they have gotten to know us better. There was a woman whose three-month-old daughter started day care at the same time our 3-month-old Sophie started. At a potluck early in the year she said something like, “You know, I think that you and Sam and Meredith and Kate (the other two moms in the class) are great parents. But I still don’t think that gay parenting is o.k.” For some reason, I didn’t say a word, and instead shoveled more food into my mouth. Imagine my surprise a couple of years later when Rosie O’Donnell came out specifically to highlight the difficulties of gay/lesbian adoption in the state of Florida. That week I received a LONG email from the same friend going on and on about what horrible parents some of her straight co-workers were and that Sam and I and the other two mom families in the class were such great parents. I have NEVER brought up that conversation from so long ago because I know that my friend would be so embraced and would literally burst into tears for having ever felt that way. So yes, it is worth it. I look forward to the generation when the parents DON’T have to try so hard to be such perfect parents.

8. Dustin Kight at Family Pride said you had a good story about an e-mail exchange with a contractor. Care to share?
I’ll forward to you what I sent to Dustin, but in a nutshell, the contractor is actually both a friend and an old neighbor. Joe is a home building contractor in every stereotypical way you can imagine. Very male. Very blue collar. Very self-focused. Very crude. And Joe has a huge heart. When we lived two houses down from him and his family, he was always nothing but good to me and my family. Joe forwards emails to a group of folks. He honestly likes to see the dialog that can occur between those who read his emails. Well, he forwarded an email that was copyrighted by Chuck Colson’s Prison Fellowship that pretty much said that once we allow marriage equality, then acceptance of incest will follow shortly. I wrote a reply to Joe telling him I was tired of this, and outlined the reasons why I was tired. I was going to send it only to Joe, but then with my OUTSpoken training quietly whispering in my ear, I decided to reply all and let all these folks that I do not know hear why I find what had been written so very offensive. What was amazing was Joe’s response. He hadn’t realized that I had already replied all, so he took out any identifying mentions of my family, and forwarded it the whole group again, complete with the reply that he had sent me personally.

I truly learned that day the value of being OUTSpoken. . .

9. What’s your favorite: a) family activity; b) children’s book?
Family activity: I think my single most favorite family activity is the Second Sunday Supper Club that we have with four other families (both gay and straight parents). We all go to the same church (Unitarian Universalist) and have dinner, as the name states, on the second Sunday of each month, rotating homes. All of our kids are roughly the same age. These folks are the people we break bread with while sharing the joys and sorrows of life. These are the people that lit candles in church for me during my dad’s last week of life. These are the people that were there when Terri learned just how opposed her mom and sister are to marriage equality. These are the people that laugh together when we screw up as parents, and rejoice when we do a good job. I remember watching my parents sharing dinner with their friends when I was a little girl, and knowing then what great friends my parents had. And I know that my girls are having a blast being around other kids who have parents with the same mindset as their own.

Children’s book: I started collecting children’s books LONG before I had kids, so by the time Sophie came along, I already had over 200 books. My childhood favorites were Ferdinand the Bull and The Little Train That Could. I always loved that Ferdinand was ever-so-strong, yet enjoyed the beauty in life rather than being drawn in by the machismo of the bull fight. And the Little Train That Could. . .what a wonderful message. I remember reading that as a kid and thinking that anything was possible. Today I have favorite authors. Ezra Jack Keats because of the beauty he brings to the urban setting, especially in Apt. 3; Theodor Seuss Geisel because of the social commentary in some of his stories; Sandra Boynton because of her endearing pictures and wonderful words adored by toddlers all over; and lately my real favorite is Todd Parr because he sees beauty in all folks and families. Oh, how I would love to have lunch with Todd Parr and thank him for his work.

10. If you had a parenting motto, what would it be and why?
“Different Mommies have different rules.” It’s a phrase that Sam and I have said to Sophie, and now Anneliese, since the first time Sophie asked, “But So-and-so can do this/have this/eat this, why can’t I?” Just yesterday we were buying the-ever-growing-Anneliese a new pair of shoes and Sophie pointed to a pair of strappy shoes WITH HEELS, and said, “Marjorie has shoes like these. . .” I only needed to look at her, and she laughed and finished the sentence with, “I know, I know. . .different Mommies have different rules.”