An article in the Mail & Guardian newspaper of South Africa asked this week, “Why are pregnant lesbians scary?”
Umm . . . because we’re hormonal and know how to use power tools?
The article itself is a rehash of the Mary Cheney pregnancy and why gay and lesbian parents are as good as any others. Nothing particularly new for regular readers of this blog. It does bring up the point, though, that part of the reason for people’s fear of lesbians is “that they are out of the control of men and are therefore perceived as ‘unfeminine. . . .’ In general, we lesbians are not seen as ‘real women’, we are not actually expected to have wombs, or the ability to produce breast milk. And, obviously, we have rough hands, from constantly tinkering with our motorbikes—certainly no good for nappy changing.”
Again, this is not a new argument, but it bears repeating. I find it endlessly baffling that people fear lesbians’ lack of femininity (real or perceived), and yet bemoan the lack of “masculine” influence in lesbian families. Whatever the truth—about our gender identities and the need for both “feminine” and “masculine” role models—it is varied and subtle, and not served by such contradictory generalizations.
I often encounter surprises from even well wishers. We went to a party filled with my partners coworkers, about a year or so ago, Kristin was probably 3.
She was just getting into makeup (chapstick), purses, being a princess and all that. It was an outdoor barbecue party, but Kristin wanted to get all made up and wear her necklaces, rings, bracelets, pretty shoes, and have her purse with chapstick, etc.
So we were all sitting there outside, everybody chatting and the kids playing when someone commented on how feminine Kristin was, in spite of…..(it was literally said like that and the comment faded off, it was left unsaid, but everybody knew what ‘in spite of’ and then trailing off meant, because others turned to him and nodded enthuastically, ‘yes, I know, she’s very girly’. And comments like that went on.
These people love us and want the best for our family, but even then, there are these unspoken questions about what is needed in regards to raising kids, about gender and about gender behavior. They really obviously were surprised that a girl growing up without a mother was naturally becoming….gasp…a girl.
And these were friends who meant no ill will.
Also, I don’t know how related it is, but I just thought of it, the other day I went to pick Kristin up at preschool and they were all sitting in a circle in the middle of the room singing when I opened the door. One of the little girls turned to Kristin and said, “Kristin, your mom is here.” The other kids glanced and didn’t seem phased at all, but the teachers assistant (the teacher wasn’t in the room) got all embarassed and couldn’t stop giggling. It was the adult who acted like a child and the children who had no problem. I’ll have to blog that, now that I thought about it.
Nice example, Steve. What I said about lesbian moms and masculinity clearly works in reverse for gay dads and femininity.
Steve, you’re so right about kids being okay with situations that adults find positively squeamish. A freind recently overheard her two children playing with a friend in the swimming pool. Her son remarked excitedly that they were going to be spending the night at my place. This sparked some chatter and my friend’s son remarked that I had a husband and my husband’s name was Kerry! We’ve retold that story many times. No judgement, no horror. Just lovely acceptance!