Like most observers of a war that doesn’t directly involve them, I thought I was safe. The “Mommy Wars” pitting employed mothers against stay-at-homes, accusing the latter of betraying feminism, didn’t seem to apply to me. While I was indeed a stay-at-home mom, I thought that by doing so as a lesbian I was transforming the institution, and thus had a special protection against any claims of feminist sell-out.

Now today’s New York Times points out the opinion of playwright and City University of New York professor Sarah Schulman:

As a teacher, she said, she sees a lot of younger gay people, especially women adopting the heterosexual fantasy that even Barbie has distanced herself from — “that someday they will meet the right person and they will get married and they will have children.” She fears that lesbian mothers are embracing a “poverty model” and taking themselves out of the running to be the next George Sand or Emma Goldman.

Oh, please. Let’s stop the lesbian version of the Mommy Wars before it starts. A quick tour around the lesbian-mom blogosphere would show Schulman that many of us are creating our own types of family roles and relationships, not merely imitating a tired heterosexual stereotype. Furthermore, far from stifling our creative juices, motherhood gives many of us an inspirational jolt. One example of both points is the well-written essay collection Confessions of the Other Mother: Non-Biological Lesbian Mothers Tell All. Several of its contributors continue to delight and enlighten us with their blogs on lesbian parenting. Whether their work will be compared to Sands or Goldman is a matter for history to decide, but they are not “taking themselves out of the running.”

While Schulman may be lending credence to the media-hyped “Mommy Wars,” organizations like Moms Rising, the Motherhood Project, and the National Association of Mothers’ Centers (NAMC) are calling for a cease-fire and a refocus on issues that can really help moms, such as improved childcare and healthcare benefits, expanded after-school programs, and more flexible work schedules.

All good things. For me, though, a large part of the burden associated with being a mom stems from my unrecognized relationship to my partner. We pay extra taxes on the health insurance I receive from her employer. This means less for our son’s college-savings account, not to mention the everyday necessities. I cannot contribute to an IRA while staying at home, like women with employed husbands can. This means I may have to go back to work sooner in order to save up for retirement. And we’re among the lucky ones, with a court order stating that we’re both the legal parents of our child.

Despite their claims to be fighting for the rights of all mothers, there is little, if any, information in the above mothers’-rights sites about lesbian moms. Expanded childcare, healthcare, and family leave options are only good, however, if a mom is recognized as a mom and can partake of the options. It’s unfair, too, if some mothers are taxed on those benefits while others are not.

It seems to me, therefore, that there is an opportunity here for both lesbian and straight moms to join together to improve the lot of all—really all—mothers. Part of this will involve working towards parental and relationship recognition for lesbian moms. Part of it will involve addressing common needs.

How do we begin? Visit the above sites, get involved, be out, start a dialogue. I make no claims to brilliant solutions here, but I do know that women working together are a powerful force. Your comments and suggestions are welcome.