Same-Sex Couples in UK Can Now Adopt

Some good news to end the year: Same-sex couples (and heterosexual, non-married couples) in the UK are now legally able to adopt children or become co-parents through in-vitro fertilization. The Adoption and Children Act also gives parents who gave up children for adoption the right to try and trace their children, and to be put in touch, with the children’s permission.

Now if only they’d call same-sex “civil partnerships” marriages. . . . Let’s hope for continued progress towards equal rights in 2006.

Family Pride Guide

The Family Pride Coalition is now offering a free Family Pride Guide: A Guide to Talking With Your Child about Political Attacks on Our Families. Their goal is to help LGBT parents talk with their children about media coverage of LGBT issues, some of which may be negative. They offer suggestions on creating a home and family environment that will support children regardless of any negative comments or images they experience elsewhere. They also offer hints for discussing such matters with your children’s teachers or childcare providers. Worth a look.

Motherhood, Identity, and Being a Lesbian

(Or should that be “Lesbianism, Identity, and Being a Mother”?) There’s a great dialogue about identity going on right now on two other lesbian moms’ blogs. Both Renee and Kwynne offer different perspectives on how being a mother can raise questions about and change one’s sense of self.

How true. Losing my own identity–as a person, not as a lesbian–was one of my greatest fears about having a child. My parents never socialized much or did non-work activities outside the home when I was growing up, either individually or as a couple, and I think that fueled my concerns. I know my folks were simply trying to focus on their kids, but setting a more well-rounded example might have been better. (Guess I turned out all right regardless, though.) Ultimately, I realize that a pure “mom” identity is just an illusion. One of the best things we can do for our kids, I believe, is show them who we are as full people–our interests, activities, and viewpoints will motivate their own, even if simply to help them realize what they don’t want to do. This is tough, of course, especially in the early, most-dependent years, when many of our own hobbies get backburnered and free time is a precious luxury. Still, there are ways to make it work, by making arrangements with one’s partner to each get a night off, for example, or to promise each other that you’ll find a babysitter for a night out at least once a quarter.

Renee and Kwynne also each note that being a mom can make one invisible to other lesbians’ gaydar, whether you’re butch, femme, or somewhere in between. Even within the LGBT community, it’s sometimes hard to remember that we have young ‘uns, too. As Kwynne points out, decorating the stroller with rainbows isn’t always the answer. I’m not sure there is an answer, except for all of us to try extra hard not to make assumptions about anyone we meet. Or just for kicks, assume every unknown mom you see who doesn’t have a husband in tow is a lesbian. Give her a knowing smile. If she’s straight, she’ll just think you’re smiling at her cute child. If she’s not, she’ll be grateful for the recognition.

This has me thinking, too, that another issue of invisibility arises when a child looks much more like one mom. My son is the spitting image of me, with curly red hair. My brown-haired partner gets funny looks sometimes when she’s out with him. When we’re out together, very often people assume our child is all mine. My partner becomes the “invisible” mom. (I’m sure this happens even more with families of mixed racial heritages.) I really hate that.

Are we as lesbians better able than straight women to handle our shifting identities as we transition to motherhood, because most of us have been through at least one period of identity scrutiny (and perhaps change) in the past, as we’ve come out? Or are we tired of all this pondering on identity and find it harder to deal with still more identity issues as mothers? I’d like to think it’s the former, but also suspect it’s as much an individual matter as anything else. My personal anchor is the knowledge that my son looks to me as a guide. If I don’t have a strong sense of self, who will be there to set an example for my son to develop his?

This has been a more philosophical post than most. Thanks to Kwynne and Renee (neither of whom I actually know) for raising some good issues.

Post-Holiday Tips

While there are lots of lists around telling us how to survive the holidays, I thought I’d take a different tack and offer a few suggestions for making the most of your post-holiday time:

• Don’t return anything till after New Year’s. The lines will be shorter, and you’ll be saner. Don’t delay too long, however, or you may miss the cutoff for returns on some items.
  • If you find yourself with unreturnable items, however, you can always sell them on eBay. If the idea of selling there yourself seems daunting, eBay now has a search page so you can find a local Trading Assistant to help you.
• Go through all the envelopes from holiday cards you’ve received, and add to or update your address list, whether it be in your computer, index cards, or a notebook. This will save you time next holiday season, and also be useful for birthdays, etc.
• Transfer any needed dates to your 2006 calendars. If your calendar is electronic, most holidays and birthdays should automatically roll over. Still, there are moveable holidays, planned vacations, and other items you’ll have to add manually. If you use a paper calendar, make sure you buy one soon, if you haven’t already. Here’s a list, which may be useful, of U. S. Federal Holidays. Wikipedia has a longer list of official, unofficial, and state holidays. You may also wish to add National Coming Out Day (October 11), World AIDS Day (December 1), and Gay Pride Month (June).
  • Bonus project: If your kids are of the right age, it can actually be fun to populate a blank paper calendar together, even if you personally live by your PDA. You can buy a bunch of holiday-themed stickers at most craft stores, or just use some colored markers. If you’re really feeling adventurous, buy some blank sticker sheets and print out small photos of friends and relatives to stick on their birthdays.
• Take a big manila envelope, mark it “Taxes 2005″ and set it somewhere prominent. Before you know it, those 1099’s and other tax records will start rolling in, and you’ll be all set to keep them together, in preparation for the “Who deducts the children this year?” game that so many of us lesbian and gay parents play.

Happy Holidays

Happy holidays to you and your families, however you define them.

No posts for a few days while we make merry here at our house.

Gay Weddings in the UK: Quote, Unquote

Civil partnerships between same-sex couples are now legal in the UK. I am celebrating this development with as much joy as I celebrated the first Vermont civil unions (and perhaps more, since I once lived in the UK for two years). It’s wonderful that same-sex couples will now get the same rights, protections, and responsibilities as opposite-sex ones. Still, I am not satisfied. Peter Tatchell of the Guardian puts it well when he says a separate category of union/partnership is akin to apartheid. People would be up in arms if there were separate categories of partnership for whites and non-whites, he notes. Why is a separate category of partnership for gay and lesbian couples acceptable?

Additionally, the BBC and The Times feel they have to put the words “wedding” and “marry” in quotation marks when referring to same-sex ceremonies. Funny, I use the same punctuation when talking about my son “cooking” on his toy stove while I make dinner. It’s kind of like he’s really cooking, but not quite.

So: progress, but not equality. Civil partnerships are at least a significant step up from the oppressive Section 28 ruling that was in force when I lived in the U.K., which prohibited councils and schools from “intentionally promoting homosexuality.” A registered partnership gives same-sex couples in the U.K. far more legal protections than we have here in the U.S. Let’s celebrate the victory, but realize it’s only one step along the way.

Electric Trains

My partner and I spent much of the last two days trying to get a fifty-year-old electric train to run around our Christmas tree (aka our non-denominational holiday bush) for our train-obsessed son. The trains are part of my ancestral set, which belonged to my uncle, then my brother and me. They’re nothing fancy–low-end O-scale Lionel steam locomotives and a few plastic freight cars, but the engines are cast metal and have a nice hefty feel to them.

The trains have been sitting in my parents’ basement for about 25 years. We dusted them off, opened up the engines and poked around, and watched one of them stutter around the corroded, rusted track. The other didn’t seem to want to move, except briefly, and backwards. We finally went to a local train-and-hobby shop, where they told us one engine was probably out of commission for good, but the other would go nicely on new track. We duly bought eight straight pieces and eight curves, hooked them up at home, and presto! Chugga, chugga. The little guy will be ecstatic when he sees them.

Now if we can keep ourselves from diving into model railroading as a hobby, we’ll actually retain what little free time we have. It involves lots of good things that we like, though: electric circuits, model painting, power tools, and a good helping of creativity. Hope our son’s interest continues, so we have an excuse to keep playing.

Brokeback Mountain

My partner and I saw Brokeback Mountain yesterday. All the good things you may have heard about the film are true. Spectacular acting, writing, directing, and cinematography, and a story that needed to be told. I was saddened, however, that we had to drive an hour to an arthouse cinema to watch it–none of the mainstream theaters in our area are carrying it, despite its mainstream cast and director.

It’s not a happy story, with the two protagonists struggling to come to terms with their relationship in a time and place that doesn’t support them. I admire director Ang Lee for not “Hollywoodizing” it into a happy ending, though. Its poignancy conveys more than a trite wrap-up ever could. If you have time over the holidays, leave your kids with a sitter and go see this movie.

Women Who Take Longer to Conceive More Likely to Have Sons

A new study from Maastricht University claims that women who take more than a year to conceive are more likely to produce sons: 58% vs. 51%. For every additional year of “natural” conception attempts, there is an almost 4% higher probability of having a boy. Apparently, women who struggle to conceive are more likely to have viscous cervical mucus. Sperm with Y chromosomes swim faster than those with X chromosomes, therefore moving through the thicker mucus more easily. The study did not, as far as I can tell, look at whether AI or IVF had any effects on cervical mucus or children’s genders.

No 100% guarantees in this game, though, regardless of how you do it.

Christmas Tree Safety

With children in the house, most of us want to be extra-extra careful about household safety (without veering into overprotective paranoia, of course). With that in mind, it’s worth checking out these tips on Christmas tree safety from the National Safety Council. It should go without saying (but I’ll say it just in case) that you should be careful with candles of any denomination or ethnic background. These guidelines from the National Fire Protection Association may help. Among the facts on their site: “Christmas Day was the peak day of the year for home candle fires in 1999-2002. New Year’s Day and Christmas Eve tied for second.”