How to Respond When Meeting Lesbian Moms
October 11th is National Coming Out Day in the U. S. Instead of offering advice on coming out (ably covered by the HRC Web site), I want to flip things around and offer a few hints to people who may be unsure how to react if lesbian moms come out to them.
- Don’t assume that just because we’re lesbians, we’re completely different from other moms. We change diapers. We fix scraped knees. We worry when our teens start to drive. We comfort, we care, we discipline when necessary. We make mistakes like anyone else. We try to learn from them. Above all, we love our children.
- Don’t assume that just because we’re lesbians, we’re exactly the same as other moms. We sometimes get strange glances when we’re in public and our child calls the two of us “Mommy” and “Momma.” We have to meet with each new school and daycare to ensure they will treat our family with the same respect as others. We often went through a different, deliberate process just to have our families and ensure the legal relationship of both of us to our children. We face different financial burdens; for example, if one of us stays home to raise our children, she cannot contribute to an IRA as she could if she was a non-employed mom with a working husband.
- Don’t ask “Which of you is the real mom?” We both are. Maybe one of us bore the child in her womb. Maybe we both adopted the child. Maybe one of us donated an egg that the other one carried. It doesn’t really matter. Both of us are raising the child and committed to her or his well being. That makes us both real moms.
- Don’t ask “Who’s the father?” Maybe there is a known father whom the lesbian couple wishes to acknowledge, and maybe there isn’t. Don’t assume there has to be. (And simply donating a chromasome does not a father make.)
- Lesbian. Say the word. If there’s a need for this term in conversation, use it. (As in the legitimate question, “Do you find people around here are accepting of lesbian moms?”) Don’t euphemize with “your type of lifestyle,” “people in your circumstances,” “women like you,” or similar.
- It’s always safe to refer to a lesbian couple (especially one committed enough to have kids) as “partners.” They may prefer another term–spouses, lovers, wives, etc., and will likely tell you if they do–but “partners” won’t offend anyone. Don’t use “friends,” which trivializes the relationship.
- Don’t let any of the above keep you from inquiring “Do you mind if I ask how you created your family?” “What do you feel are the differences in being a lesbian mom?” or the like. Showing an interest in this way indicates you’re comfortable with the situation, and that’s comforting to us in turn. As with moms of any type, most of us enjoy talking about our families if the questions are asked in a respectful manner.
- Remember that no two lesbian couples are exactly alike, and may approach discussing their families in different ways. (This last point added after a comment on the original post.)
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This list is fantastic, except for #7. No one asks straight moms how they “created their family”. It’s the same question as “who’s the father”, it’s just slightly more oblique.
There should be a #8 on here — Don’t think you’re smarter or cooler than other straight people because you think you’ve found a creative, PC way to ask the same offensive questions everyone else asks the same way.
I certainly see Sadie’s point, and agree that if someone is really trying to ask “Who’s the father,” then asking it in a different way is no better. Personally, though, I don’t mind discussing how my partner and I went about having our son to someone who has a genuine (and not just morbidly curious) interest. At the same time, I studiously avoid using the word “father,” since we used a sperm donor and there is no father. I see this in the same light as I’d see a straight mom discussing her infertility treatments, or an adoptive straight mom talking about the adoption process. Maybe there should be a #8, though: “Remember that no two lesbian couples are exactly alike, and may approach discussing their families in different ways.”
Could you explain to a non-native English speaker the difference in “Mommy” and “Momma”?
“Mom,” “Mommy,” and “Momma” (or “Mama”) are all variations of what a child would call his/her mother. Lesbian parents will often each choose a different term so that their child(ren) can distinguish them. There’s no difference in meaning beyond that, and no standard for which of the parents uses which term.
What are some other names that are often used for two moms. My Partner and I are getting
ready to start a family and are struggling with what we each will go by, and wonder
if momma or mommy were used what happens when they get older and those terms are outgrown
maybe you and your partner could use your name or part of your names, like mommy ali or mama b for example. but whatever you choose, to begin with,dont worry. things will evolve and change on their own just like they would with a straight family. it will happen naturally
Because of my German heritage and because strangers will make reference to: “Mom”, “Mother”, or “Mommy”, we felt those would not work and were too interchangeable.
We chose “mama” and “mutti”. Mutti /moo-tee/ means Mommy in German and is the shortened word of Mutter which means mother.
First, thank you, Mombian moderator gal, for creating this list. So smart, so concise, so useful.
To open the parental naming door even further, I call myself Baba (a diminutive or outright name for father in many different languages), because variants on “mother,” in any language, didn’t quite get at the kind of parent I feel like I am. Which is part mama and part papa. I happen to be the “non-bio mom,” but who knows but whether butch biomoms may even feel thet same?
I feel like it’s a huge, open, ever-evolving topic. And one that also opens even wider as our kids get older and come up with their own names for us, at different times & for different reasons…
[...] This reminds me of what I wrote last fall on both “How to Respond When Meeting Lesbian Moms,” and how to influence the “unbiased but unknowing.” I love LesbianDad’s “docent” analogy, though. Not all of us want to take on this role, but for those of us who do, the term fits perfectly. [...]
How would I respond to meeting a lesbian mom? Like I would any parent regardless of their sexual orientation, with respect and kindness and a general curiosity of who they are on the inside and how they contribute their spirit on the outside.
I would love to know about their child, their experiences in parenting, maybe ask them opinions what they think of a certain dance school their child is attending or a new toy that is on the market. Pretty much a basic conversation between two parents who are just getting to know one another.
If I was to develope a closer relationship with someone then more personal questions may be asked if that is where the conversation is mutually going.
I understand there are obviously those who are not as open sighted to family’s that “appear out of the norm” and maybe for some asking questions right off may be their well intentioned way of understanding a lifestyle they are generally and respectfully interested in.
One can usually tell by the tone of such questions if it is indeed genuine and well intentioned from just plain rude and judgemental.
One further point from a reader: Don’t assume that just because they are two women who are life partners and both moms to the same child,
they are lesbians. Bisexual women may choose to live and parent together, but not consider themselves lesbians.
I find this conversation very helpful and I appreciate the information. Although I am married to a man (and Mama to two children), I feel very connected to lesbians/bisexual women.
I have family and friends who are in long term lesbian relationships; some with children and some not. In fact my Aunts will be having a marriage ceremony this October in NJ, where they live. YAY!
Since I have always felt this connectedness I have always been able to “know” when I see two Moms and their family but never knew exactly what to say. The reason I want to “say” anything at all is because I want to show my support and possibly gain friendships.
This post and commentary was helpful. Thank you!